Moving Closer to Someone, Moving Away from Ourselves
Sometimes, moving away from ourselves in a relationship does not begin with a big decision. It can happen in small moments, such as going somewhere we do not want to go, saying “It’s not important” when we feel hurt, or staying quiet when we think differently. At that moment, it may seem more important not to upset the other person, start an argument, or spoil our time together.
Thinking about another person, being flexible, and sometimes putting our own wishes aside are natural parts of relationships. However, when the same person keeps doing this, they may begin to find it difficult to know what they want.
Perhaps we can ask ourselves this question: What happens to our connection with ourselves when we try to stay close to someone else?
Trying to Stay Connected
In our relationships, we want to feel understood and accepted. We want to know that we have a place in another person’s life. So, it is understandable that we try to protect our connection. Sometimes, we may worry that something we say will create distance, that we are asking for too much, or that saying “no” will hurt the other person.
In the past, people may have reacted badly when we disagreed. They may not have taken our needs seriously, or they may have become less caring when we had different opinions. After experiences like these, putting ourselves second may feel more familiar. Staying quiet, agreeing, or first trying to understand what the other person wants may once have helped us keep a relationship.
So, when we find it difficult to express our needs today, we can try to understand what makes it hard, instead of blaming ourselves and asking, “Why can’t I set boundaries?”
Being Flexible and Leaving Room for Ourselves
Giving up something we want does not always mean that we are moving away from ourselves. Sometimes, we change our plans for someone we love, take on more responsibilities during their difficult times, or adjust our wishes to make a decision together. When we freely choose these actions, they can be part of feeling close.
What matters is whether we also have room to make a different choice.
Can we say when we do not want something? Is there room for our needs when we need more support? Or does the relationship mostly depend on us being understanding?
Noticing whether there is room for us, too, can help us understand our place in the relationship.
After the Things We Do Not Say
Sometimes, we do not understand our feelings during a conversation. After saying “okay,” we may realize that we do not really want to do something. When a meeting ends, we may feel more tired than we expected. A sentence we did not say may stay in our mind.
We may also notice a tight jaw, find ourselves holding our breath, or want to move away. None of these signs alone can tell us exactly what is happening in our relationship. But they can be a starting point for paying more attention to our experience.
What just happened? What did I want to say? How close was my answer to what I really wanted at that moment?
Sometimes, connecting with ourselves again begins with noticing our experience, before we are ready to act differently.
Boundaries Can Be Part of a Conversation
When we think about setting boundaries, we often imagine a clear “no.” But there are other ways to make room for ourselves in a relationship.
“I don’t want to answer right away. Can I think about it for a while?”
“I want to see you, but I also need to rest today.”
“I said it wasn’t important, but now I realize that I felt hurt.”
These sentences may not always be easy to say. Afterwards, we may feel guilty or worried, or feel that we need to explain more. These feelings do not mean that expressing our needs is wrong. Doing something different from what we are used to can also be difficult.
At the same time, expressing a need does not mean that it will always be met in the way we want. The other person also has wishes and boundaries. Making room for ourselves includes talking about these differences and looking for a way forward together.
The Room We Have in a Relationship
It is important to notice our needs, but it is also important to notice how the other person responds when we share them. Can we have different opinions in this relationship? Can we talk about our hurt feelings? Can we come close to each other again after a disagreement?
Difficult moments and misunderstandings can happen in any relationship. However, if our needs are repeatedly treated as unimportant, or if we face threats or punishment when we disagree, the problem is more than how we express ourselves. What happens in the relationship and the support available to us also matter.
One person’s effort alone cannot decide how close a relationship can become.
Staying Connected to Ourselves When We Are Together
Being close to someone may not mean always wanting the same things or never disappointing each other. Sometimes, closeness grows when we continue to listen to each other, even when we are different.
We do not have to know every need right away or express ourselves perfectly every time. Sometimes, a small beginning is enough: returning to an earlier answer, sharing a small preference, or giving ourselves time before making a decision.
The next time we are about to say, “It doesn’t matter to me,” we can pause for a moment:
Does it really not matter, or do I need a little time to understand what I want?