Narcissism, I see you!
“One night we went out to dinner, he noticed I was cold and gave me his jacket. I thanked him, accepted it, and thought how kind he was. Everything was so wonderful… But then how did my identity begin to crumble? How did I not realize it?”
Do you have similar stories in your life? I remember a movie line like this: “While I was trying to deal with you, all my good qualities changed.” Has this sentence ever resonated somewhere in your heart? If you’re in a situation where guilt is active, if you feel trapped by intense feelings of guilt, there’s a high probability you’re dealing with a narcissist.
After the narcissist tells you, “I see you,” the first feeling you experience is that you exist in their eyes, a confirmation of their own existence. The narcissistic nature’s connection with you often centers on visibility, which confuses self-esteem. Think of it this way: They saw you before you even knew them, and you were right to find this visibility meaningful, caring, and valuable until it put your self in a state of psychic distress. But once you start noticing, visibility takes on a different meaning, and the question becomes, “If I see it in myself, can I handle it?”
In fact, in all these areas of struggle, analysis is always emphasized. We try to clarify the situation by analyzing it, making sense of it. This analytical perspective interacts inversely with the concept of narcissism. Paradoxically, the more you try to analyze the reflections of narcissism, the deeper you sink. A solution you don’t often hear, the opposite of analysis, is this: analyzing everything isn’t always a valid approach; sometimes a behavior simply represents that behavior. Sigmund Freud’s words may be a reminder here: “Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.”
So, have you heard of the concept of Amor Fati? Amor Fati is a term Nietzsche frequently uses in his works. It means loving one’s fate, loving one’s destiny. Philosophically, you can only make a leap after true acceptance. Accepting what is opens you to new options. If we perceive acceptance here as remaining within the confines of your confines, we fail to apply this concept. According to Amor Fati, an example of true acceptance is to distance oneself from this communication with the narcissist, despite the emotional investment and pain, and to accept that this relationship will not exist. What breaks the narcissist is to cease exposure as proof that you have potential without them. The primary goal of this is to ensure that what the other person understands and perceives remains outside your field of sensitivity. Your priority should be yourself. If you fail to protect and understand your own potential, your existential self, the damage to that self will be far greater.
There’s a triangle we encounter frequently in the clinic: Rescuer, Victim, and Blamer. These three represent the points of the triangle. If we adopt the role of savior in a pathological situation or person, we eventually become the victim and, after being victimized, the blamer. The person you’re supposed to save here is yourself; take their own hand. There’s a moment when we need to remember we have two hands. Seize that moment.
There are two extremes in the dialogue with a narcissist: either to hide and remain unseen, or to become visible and triumph. This visibility is also where “Narcissism, I see you” begins. The saving grace for narcissism is to cease exposure. The paradox here is the connection between visibility and ceasing exposure. Visibility (awareness) leads to action. The action of visibility is to move away. “Migrate.” Therefore, choosing these two scenarios, however difficult, is a victory: become visible to yourself (awareness, self-compassion, choosing yourself), and stop exposure by taking action. When you do this, you have completed the first and most challenging step. In fact, this is how you migrate. You migrate from the person, from the relationship, and this is where you first meet yourself. We may not yet realize it at this stage; pain, fatigue, and confusion predominate, but you have embarked on the journey to meet yourself. Congratulations!
There will be encounters with narcissism in many different areas of life. If you become impervious to manipulation and uncontrollable by the other person, the narcissist experiences a “narcissistic ego injury.” This occurs when the other person can no longer control you. Be careful here! This injury can inflame the person’s game and force you into emotional and mental turmoil. Therefore, it’s essential to end the game completely. Exiting the game already means emigrating. So far, we’ve discussed the dating aspect, and we’ve exited that game. We’ve emigrated. The moment this exodus begins, the entire process opens up another new stage, a mourning phase, and then a door to post-traumatic growth.
So, doesn’t narcissism appear in many different areas of life? For example, in work life… social life… a narcissistic manager at work, a friend in your social circle, etc. I hear you ask, “How does stopping exposure work in this first instance?” What about work life? Yes, in these cases, cutting exposure may not be the first option. If other life priorities make it more logical to stay in the job, then it might be possible to adjust our permeability. Despite your exposure, you can manage by keeping your permeability (semi-permeable) low. Remembering the Amor Fati philosophy can be helpful here, too.
A non-toxic, healthy system represents a shared space. A shared struggle, a shared dream, a shared healing space… Transforming, developing, and healing together is invaluable. This is true in life partnerships, in team strategies at work, and in group friendships. Relationships blossom where one doesn’t undermine the other’s sense of self… Instead of constantly wearing oneself down to cope, one should say, “We did a good job together.”
Then it’s good… Then it’s great…