Some periods don’t pass. Although time passes, childhood does not stay behind as much as it is thought. The roots of our behavior, the way we establish relationships, and even our inner conversations; sometimes have a look, sometimes a silence, sometimes an echo of a sentence we heard in our childhood. Childhood experiences are not just a part of the past, but the most basic layer that draws the spiritual map of the present.
Recent research in psychology has shown how early childhood relational experiences — especially the initial bond with a caregiver — shape an individual’s emotional and social functioning throughout life. At this point, especially developmental approaches such as attachment theory, object relations theory and self psychology are powerful keys to explain why childhood does not “end”.
The First Traces of Attachment: Bowlby and the Developmental Map
John Bowlby’s (1969) attachment theory, which he theorized, suggests that the relationship that develops between the baby and the caregiver builds the individual’s basic sense of trust in the world and other people. According to Bowlby, this “first bond” established in childhood is the prototype of attachment patterns that will last throughout life.
The secure formation of this bond is possible only if not only physiological but also psychological needs are met consistently. When this consistency does not develop, the individual enters adulthood with anxious, avoidant or disorganized attachment styles. And these styles find resonance in romantic relationships, friendships and even professional life in adulthood.
Winnicott and the Fragility of the True Self
According to Donald Winnicott, the “good enough mother” for the child means much more than meeting his physical needs. A caregiver who reflects the child’s emotions, existence, tempo and boundaries allows him to form his “true self”. If this mirroring does not occur, the child is forced to develop a “misleading self” according to the expectations of his environment.
This misleading self can cause the individual to experience identity confusion in the following years, to not be able to say no, to constantly seek approval and to continue their social role by suppressing their emotions. Such patterns are one of the most common nuclear structures in the therapeutic process.
Childhood Traumas in Adulthood: Symptoms and Reflections
Childhood experiences are indelible; they manifest themselves in adulthood with different masks.
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The fear of abandonment in a relationship is actually a trace of attachment anxiety experienced in childhood.
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The need for excessive control is a continuation of a defense mechanism that the child develops when he has no control over his world.
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The dependence of self-worth on external approval results from the fact that the child has learned conditional rather than unconditional ways to achieve love.
These psychological patterns are integrated into the personality structure over time and the individual repeats a story that he was exposed to in the past rather than living his own story.
Is Transformation Possible?
Yes. Our attachment system is not fixed. Studies in neuroscience show the brain’s lifelong plasticity (neuroplasticity). This means that even if an individual has not been able to establish secure connections in childhood, he can transform this pattern through relationships and psychotherapeutic processes that he has established in adulthood.
Therapy is not only a process of solving problems, but also a process of encountering, repairing and re-establishing relationships with the inner child. In this context, psychotherapy offers a space for rewriting that does not allow the past to interfere with the present.
Result
Childhood does not pass away; it changes, transforms or grows. But it always stays somewhere inside us.
Our behaviors, relationships, choices and fears… They all come from the place where we once said we were children.
However, this past does not have to define us. Understanding, recognizing and working on this is the first step in transforming the past.
“Childhood is not a country, but a path we always pass through.”
References
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Ainsworth, M. D. S., Blehar, M. C., Waters, E., & Wall, S. (1978). Patterns of attachment: A psychological study of the strange situation. Lawrence Erlbaum.
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Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and loss: Vol. 1. Attachment. Basic Books.
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Bowlby, J. (1982). Attachment and loss: Retrospect and prospect. American Journal of Orthopsychiatry, 52(4), 664–678.
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Cassidy, J., & Shaver, P. R. (Eds.). (2008). Handbook of attachment: Theory, research, and clinical applications (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.
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Hazan, C., & Shaver, P. R. (1987). Romantic love conceptualized as an attachment process. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 52(3), 511–524.
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Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2016). Attachment in adulthood: Structure, dynamics, and change (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.
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Winnicott, D. W. (1960). Ego distortion in terms of true and false self. In D. W. Winnicott, The maturational processes and the facilitating environment (pp. 140–152). Hogarth Press and the Institute of Psychoanalysis.