Introduction
Today, the inconsistency between what individuals say and what they do is considered not merely an individual inconsistency, but also one of the notable psychological dynamics of the modern age. Especially in social relationships, it is observed that the gap between how individuals express themselves and how they actually behave is widening. This situation not only undermines interpersonal trust, but can also lead to fragmentation in an individual’s self-perception. So why do people fail to live the lives they describe? Is this simply a matter of “inconsistency,” or does it point to a deeper identity problem?
The Psychology Of Self-Presentation
The difference between how individuals present themselves and how they actually behave is explained in psychology through the concept of “self-presentation.” Individuals may express themselves through an idealized version in order to be accepted, liked, and perceived as valuable in social environments (Goffman, 1959). In this context, the discourse that emerges often reflects not the individual’s real-life experiences, but the identity they aspire to have. In other words, individuals describe not who they are, but who they wish to be.
Social Approval And Identity Conflict
In modern society, the increasing need for social approval makes this gap more visible. Especially in environments where social comparison is intense, individuals tend to construct narratives that portray them as more successful, experienced, or strong. However, when these narratives are not supported by behavior, an “identity conflict” gradually emerges. According to Higgins’ (1987) self-discrepancy theory, as the gap between the actual self and the ideal self increases, psychological distress also intensifies. This may lead to feelings such as inadequacy, worthlessness, and inner discomfort.
Avoidance Behavior And Responsibility
Another important dimension of the gap between behavior and discourse is avoidance behavior. Some individuals make promises, create plans, or claim to adopt a certain identity in order to create a positive impression in the moment; however, they avoid engaging in behaviors that would sustain these claims. This is often rooted in difficulties with taking responsibility, fear of failure, or feelings of inadequacy. While this may help the individual feel better in the short term, it leads to a loss of trust in relationships in the long term. Repeated inconsistencies create unpredictability and insecurity for others.
The Strategy Of Saving The Moment
Another notable aspect at this point is what can be called “saving the moment” behavior. Individuals may make statements that they will not actually follow through on in order to appear more acceptable within a social context. For instance, showing strong enthusiasm for a planned meeting but later withdrawing, or presenting an unexperienced situation as if it has been experienced, falls into this category. While such behaviors may provide short-term social acceptance, they pave the way for relational disconnection in the long run.
Cognitive Dissonance And Reality
Furthermore, these inconsistencies can affect the individual’s relationship with reality. Over time, individuals may begin to believe the narratives they construct. This can be explained by the theory of cognitive dissonance. According to Festinger (1957), individuals attempt to reduce the inconsistency between their thoughts and behaviors either by changing their behaviors or by restructuring their thoughts. When behavioral change is difficult, individuals often reshape their narratives to tolerate this inconsistency. This may gradually distance the individual from their own reality.
The Challenge Of Continuity
Another dimension of the modern identity problem is the lack of continuity. Developing a coherent sense of self requires individuals to establish a meaningful connection between their past, present, and future. However, constantly changing narratives and behaviors that do not align with these narratives can undermine both the individual’s internal consistency and their reliability in social relationships. At this point, the individual may become “unpredictable” not only to others but also to themselves. This weakens internal integrity and may lead to superficial social bonds.
Conclusion
The gap between behavior and discourse, although it may appear as a simple inconsistency on the surface, is often closely related to identity development, self-perception, and the need for social approval. In the modern world, individuals may feel caught between who they are and who they aspire to be, attempting to fill this gap through discourse. However, unsustainable narratives eventually lead to both individual and interpersonal difficulties.
Therefore, an important indicator of psychological well-being is not only how individuals express themselves, but also the extent to which these expressions align with their behaviors. Developing a genuine and coherent sense of self forms the foundation for establishing healthier and trust-based relationships both with oneself and with others.
References
Festinger, L. (1957). A theory of cognitive dissonance. Stanford University Press.
Goffman, E. (1959). The presentation of self in everyday life. Anchor Books.
Higgins, E. T. (1987). Self-discrepancy: A theory relating self and affect. Psychological Review, 94(3), 319–340.