In our daily lives, most of us exhibit small control behaviors without even realizing it. Wondering why a message is late, feeling uneasy when our plans change, or wanting everything to be clear and predictable… While these situations may seem ordinary, they can actually point to a deeper psychological need: the need to feel safe.
In psychology, this phenomenon is often explained by the concept of intolerance of uncertainty. This concept refers to a person perceiving uncertain situations as threatening and exhibiting low tolerance for them. According to research, intolerance of uncertainty plays a significant role in both the emergence and persistence of anxiety and worry (Bomyea, 2015).
From this perspective, the need for control is actually less a matter of “perfectionism” or “meticulousness” and more a coping strategy our minds develop in the face of uncertainty. So, does this strategy truly make us feel safe, or do we unknowingly become part of a cycle that perpetuates anxiety?
The Psychological Mechanism of the Need for Control
The human brain naturally prefers predictability. This is because predictability is evolutionarily linked to safety. In contrast, uncertainty can be perceived as a potential threat. Therefore, when uncertainty increases, the mind attempts to manage the situation by exerting control.
Intolerance of uncertainty is not specific to a particular situation; rather, it emerges as a common process across many anxiety disorders. Research indicates that this structure serves as a shared risk factor across anxiety disorders (Talkovsky & Norton, 2016).
In daily life, this may manifest in the following behaviors:
- A constant need to make plans
- Repeatedly imagining possible scenarios
- Overthinking what others might think
- Feeling anxious even in minor uncertain situations
The common thread among these behaviors is an effort to reduce uncertainty.
The Control Cycle: Short-Term Relief, Long-Term Burden
According to the cognitive-behavioral model, the need for control operates within a specific cycle. An uncertainty arises—for example, you don’t receive a reply to a message. Then an automatic thought appears: “There must be a problem.”
This thought increases anxiety, and to reduce that anxiety, you may engage in control behaviors—checking your phone frequently, sending another message, or creating scenarios in your mind.
This behavior provides short-term relief. However, in the long term, the mind learns the message: “Uncertainty is dangerous and must be controlled.” As a result, the cycle repeats itself.
The Limits of Control: Reality or Illusion?
The need for control often rests on an unspoken assumption: “If I control things enough, I can prevent negative outcomes.” Yet reality is more complex.
A significant part of life is inherently uncertain. We cannot control what others think, fully predict the future, or account for every possibility. At this point, the effort to control can become more of a burden than a solution, as we begin to invest energy in areas that are beyond our influence.
Mental Flexibility: Learning to Let Go of Control
The goal is not to abandon control entirely, but to develop a more flexible relationship with it. Research shows that cognitive-behavioral interventions can reduce intolerance of uncertainty, which is associated with improvements in anxiety levels (Talkovsky & Norton, 2016).
To build this flexibility, small steps can be helpful:
- Creating small situations where you can tolerate uncertainty
- Waiting briefly instead of reacting immediately
- Questioning automatic thoughts
The following questions can support this process:
- Do I really need to control this situation?
- What happens if I don’t control it?
- Have I handled uncertainty before? How did I cope?
Such questions slow down automatic responses and encourage a more balanced perspective.
Conclusion
The need for control is not, as we often assume, a sign of strength; it is a reflection of our search for safety in daily life. Trying to control uncertainty may provide comfort in the short term, but in the long term, it can become a mechanism that sustains anxiety.
Therefore, the real issue is not about controlling life entirely, but about how we relate to the things we cannot control.
Perhaps asking ourselves these questions could be a meaningful starting point:
- What can I actually control?
- What am I trying to control but cannot?
- Can I stay with the uncertainty a little longer?
Because sometimes the true sense of safety lies not in eliminating uncertainty, but in our ability to live with it.
References
- Bomyea, J., Ramsawh, H., Ball, T., Taylor, C., Paulus, M., Lang, A., & Stein, M. (2015). Intolerance of uncertainty as a mediator of reductions in worry in a cognitive behavioral treatment program for generalized anxiety disorder. Journal of Anxiety Disorders, 33, 90–94. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.janxdis.2015.05.004
- Talkovsky, A. M., & Norton, P. J. (2016). Intolerance of uncertainty and transdiagnostic group cognitive behavioral therapy for anxiety. Journal of Anxiety Disorders, 41, 108–114. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.janxdis.2016.05.002