Human relationships are not just about the moments experienced. Each relationship, each experience, leaves various traces on a person’s body and mind. In this context, attachment theory was developed by John Bowlby. According to this theory, individuals develop certain attachment styles with their early caregivers based on the consistency of their behavior. The theory explains how the bond they develop as a result of communication with their caregiver affects romantic relationships in adulthood and how it manifests in different situations later on. According to this theory, attachment is not only about the bonds formed, but also a biological system that supports survival. Therefore, even if a relationship ends, the attachment system may not immediately shut down and may remain active for a while. The individual may continue to mentally maintain the relationship with various symptoms and situations, and it may begin to affect the individual’s life (John Bowlby, 1979).
Attachment Styles: Why Doesn’t Everyone Love the Same Way?
According to attachment theory, individuals develop different attachment styles in early life based on the consistency of their caregiver’s behavior. These attachment styles are secure, anxious, and avoidant. The anxious attachment style is characterized by intense separation anxiety experienced in romantic relationships. Individuals with an anxious attachment style need intense closeness with their partners in romantic relationships to avoid this anxiety. The reason for this need for closeness is the individual’s need to soothe their anxiety and feel safe. Furthermore, even if the person’s current relationship ends, the attachment system can remain active, and the mental and emotional bond can continue for a long time. In a way, the individual can continue to maintain this bond and feelings with the remnants of the ended relationship and continue to emotionally invest in a relationship that no longer exists (Ari, 2021).
The Attachment System in Action
The search for closeness and the response to separation are important components of the attachment system. When an individual is separated from someone they are attached to and does not receive the closeness they expected from their partner for various reasons, they experience intense stress, felt both physically and psychologically. Following a breakup, the person experiences intense restlessness, constant thinking, generating explanations within themselves, and a desire to reconnect. This is a natural consequence of the inconsistency in the early relationship with the caregiver. Therefore, missing someone after a breakup doesn’t always carry an emotional meaning. This feeling of longing can sometimes simply arise as a result of an attachment system that hasn’t yet closed (Soysal et al., 2005).
The Chemistry of Love: Why Can’t the Brain Let Go?
From a neurobiological perspective, attachment processes are also linked to the reward system. In romantic relationships, spending quality time with a loved one increases the release of neurotransmitters such as dopamine and oxytocin. As a result, the individual experiences positive feelings such as intense pleasure, security, and happiness. These positive feelings are also biologically reinforced by the body. Therefore, when a breakup occurs, this neurochemical cycle is interrupted, and the release of attachment-reinforcing neurotransmitters like dopamine and oxytocin stops. Consequently, the individual may experience a kind of withdrawal and may encounter situations similar to addiction processes in substance use, such as craving and withdrawal symptoms (Attachment Theory and Psychopathology, 2006). This process can intensify both emotional attachment and longing.
Not Everyone Heals the Same Way: Attachment Styles and Separation
Not every attachment style is pathological. Individuals with a secure attachment style may exhibit more consistent behaviors in their relationships and may cope with the aftermath of a breakup in a healthier way, regaining emotional regulation. Individuals with anxious and avoidant attachment styles may experience rumination, dwelling on the past, and idealization more frequently after a breakup. These experiences can lead to perceptions in the person’s mind that the relationship has not ended (Keskin & Çam, 2007).
Ended Relationships, Unending Attachments
In conclusion, relationships may end, but this doesn’t necessarily mean that attachment and emotional regulation will immediately return to normal. The human mind, especially, tends to linger on unfinished experiences. Therefore, some relationships, even though physically ended, may continue to exist psychologically, causing the individual to experience the process more intensely and for a longer period. We can liken this to extinguished cigarette butts that leave a trail. So, sometimes what we miss in relationships isn’t the person themselves, but the bond we formed with that person.
References
- Ari, F. A. (2021). BİLİŞSEL ŞEMALAR VE BAĞLANMA. Nevşehir Hacı Bektaş Veli Üniversitesi SBE Dergisi, 11(4), 1823–1834. https://doi.org/10.30783/nevsosbilen.987946
- Attachment Theory and Psychopathology. (2006). In Düşünen Adam (Vols. 19–1, pp. 24–39). https://arsiv.dusunenadamdergisi.org/ing/DergiPdf/DUSUNEN_ADAM_DERGISI_a06781127a0c4e75acecca9bff89ce7e.pdf
- Bowlby, J. (1979). The Bowlby-Ainsworth attachment theory. Behavioral and Brain Sciences, 2(4), 637–638. https://doi.org/10.1017/s0140525x00064955
- Keskin, G., & Çam, O. (2007). BAĞLANMA SÜRECİ: RUH SAĞLIĞI AÇISINDAN LİTERATÜRÜN GÖZDEN GEÇİRİLMESİ. https://dergipark.org.tr/tr/pub/egehemsire/article/635613
- Soysal, A. Ş., Bodur, Ş., İşeri, E., & Şenol, S. (2005). Bebeklik dönemindeki bağlanma sürecine genel bir bakış. Klinik Psikiyatri, 8, 88–99. https://jag.journalagent.com/kpd/pdfs/KPD_8_2_88_99.pdf