By nature, human beings are inclined to form relationships and attachments as part of their effort to make sense of life. Romantic relationships, in particular, constitute one of the domains in which the need for belonging is experienced most intensely and, at the same time, most vulnerably. In the Triangular Theory of Love, Robert Sternberg identifies three fundamental components: intimacy, passion, and commitment. Within this framework, commitment refers to maintaining the relationship, loyalty, long-term planning, and the assumption of responsibility. From past to present, certain transformations have occurred in the structure and stability of romantic relationships. Although multiple factors contribute to relational instability, the most frequently encountered—and often cited—phenomena in recent times are infidelity, cheating, and being cheated on. In order to understand the meaning of infidelity, it is first necessary to comprehend the concept of fidelity. According to Aruoba (2015, p. 146), fidelity is “the act of reserving a place within oneself for another person and consistently preserving that space for them.” In this sense, safeguarding that inner space allocated to the other entails both emotional responsibility and commitment.
Types Of Infidelity
Although infidelity is a complex phenomenon with multiple components, it can be categorized into different types based on its manifestations (Weeks & Keçe, 2019, pp. 37–38):
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Impulsive Infidelity: A momentary pursuit of excitement or curiosity, without emotional involvement.
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Physical Infidelity: Occurs due to sexual dissatisfaction or problems; it is primarily focused on sexual activity and may or may not involve an emotional connection.
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Mental Infidelity: No emotional or sexual relationship has yet been established; however, the need for and intention toward such a relationship begin to emerge cognitively.
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Revenge Infidelity: The sole purpose is to retaliate against a partner who has cheated; it typically involves only sexual engagement.
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Online Infidelity: In an era where digital communication permeates all aspects of life, online infidelity has emerged as a new form, involving emotional or sexual relationships established through internet-based communication.
Causes Of Infidelity
Numerous studies have examined the underlying causes of infidelity from past to present. Lusterman (1998) identifies the following factors:
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Insufficient understanding of what constitutes an emotional relationship.
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Inadequate communication of emotions and needs between partners.
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Unmet emotional needs (feeling lonely within the relationship and seeking another person).
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Inability to respond to the partner’s needs and interests.
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Failure to resolve problems collaboratively.
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Not truly knowing one’s partner (e.g., being unaware of certain sexual issues).
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Unrealistic expectations regarding the nature of marriage.
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Disappointment arising from partners being in different developmental stages.
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Sexual curiosity toward someone other than the partner.
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Problems stemming from cultural and ethnic differences.
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Sexual addiction.
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Boredom or monotony emerging in the course of the relationship or marriage.
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The loss of excitement and enjoyment once present in the relationship and the subsequent search for these feelings elsewhere.
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Neglecting relational responsibilities while attempting to manage daily obligations.
In many studies, the causes of infidelity have also been examined through a gender-based lens. Norment (1998a, 1998b) addressed the differentiation of these causes according to gender. According to Norment, the reasons for men’s infidelity include:
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Seeking excitement.
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Experiencing momentary gratification.
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Ego enhancement.
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Desire for revenge.
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Dissatisfaction with the course of the relationship.
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Feelings of emotional emptiness.
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Ambition or competitiveness.
According to Norment, the reasons for women’s infidelity include:
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Perceived neglect.
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Desire to be with someone of higher socioeconomic status.
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Desire for revenge.
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Seeking excitement.
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Enhancing self-esteem.
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Desire for romantic experience.
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Sexual dissatisfaction.
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Feeling overwhelmed by household responsibilities and excessive duties.
Infidelity As A Complex Phenomenon
Infidelity is a phenomenon that cannot be reduced to a single cause. Clinical observations and empirical research indicate that it emerges through the interaction of both individual and relational factors. At the individual level, low self-esteem, novelty seeking, impulsivity, and attachment-related difficulties are associated with infidelity. In particular, individuals with an avoidant attachment style may engage in relationship-sabotaging behaviors as a means of distancing themselves from emotional intimacy. At the relational level, factors such as poor communication, unmet emotional needs, and insufficient conflict-resolution skills come to the forefront. However, an important distinction must be made here: the presence of relational problems does not justify infidelity. Cheating, under any circumstances, remains an individual choice and responsibility.
Psychological Effects Of Being Cheated On
Following infidelity, individuals may experience a wide range of emotions simultaneously. The most commonly reported reactions include anger, sadness, disappointment, feelings of worthlessness, and insecurity about the future. During this process, the betrayed individual may not only experience distress toward the partner but also undergo a deep questioning of their own self-concept. Frequently encountered thoughts include:
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“What did I do to deserve this?”
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“What does he/she have that I don’t?”
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“Am I not enough?”
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“I will never be able to trust anyone again.”
These cognitions are often reinforced by cognitive distortions such as personalization, overgeneralization, mind reading, catastrophizing, and black-and-white thinking, thereby strengthening the individual’s negative core beliefs.
Coping With Infidelity
Being cheated on can become one of the most painful experiences an individual may endure, both at the moment it occurs and throughout the subsequent process. As the meanings attributed to the partner, shared expectations, and the sense of trust are profoundly shaken, a grief-like process may also emerge. In this state of disrupted connection with reality, repetitive questions continue to occupy the mind. It is important to understand that these reactions represent a normal response to an abnormal situation. From a clinical perspective, rather than suppressing emotions, acknowledging and labeling them is considered the first step toward recovery. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) approaches aim to help individuals identify automatic thoughts arising in response to the event and restructure them with more realistic alternatives, while also addressing relationship dynamics and supporting the reconstruction of self-worth. In this process, it is essential to help the individual reframe the experience as independent from their self-worth and to internalize the understanding that responsibility for infidelity belongs solely to the person who engaged in the behavior.
References
Düzgel, A. Doktora Tezi.
Weeks, G.R. ve Keçe, C. (2019). Aldatma ve Sadakatsizlik: İlişkilerin Çıkmaz Sokakları. Ankara: Pusula Yayınevi.
Lusterman, D. D. (1998). Infidelity: A Survival Guide. Oakland, CA : New Harbinger Publications.
Norment, L. (1998a). Infidelity: Why men cheat. Ebony, 54(1), 116-123.
Norment, L. (1998b). InfidelityII: Why Women Cheat. Ebony 54(2), 148-152.