Human relationships, especially romantic ones, have always been a main topic in philosophy, literature, and psychology. Naturally, everyone wants to connect, love, be loved, and feel valued. However, there is a big paradox in modern relationships. Sometimes, giving unconditional attention and strong loyalty does not create deep love. Instead, it makes the other person lose interest quickly. Why does our generous behavior, which often ignores our own value, fail to create passion or deep connection? The answer to this question lies in a universal mental bias from consumer psychology known as the IKEA Effect.
In its most basic scientific definition, the IKEA effect is the tendency of people to highly value objects they helped create or build, even more than the object’s actual market value (Norton, Mochon, & Ariely, 2012). Classic studies showed that people gave more value to a simple paper origami they folded themselves or a basic piece of furniture they built than to perfect items made by experts. Humans attach deep psychological meaning to things that reflect their own hard work. So, how does this concept explain romantic attraction and connection between two people?
The beginning of a romantic relationship is a time when partners discover each other, test personal boundaries, and build a shared space of trust. If one partner puts all their emotional effort into the relationship right away and gives their time and attention without asking for anything in return, they stop the other person from helping to build the relationship. Just like a piece of furniture delivered fully assembled, the relationship becomes an easy object for the other person to consume.
Effort Justification and Emotional Investment
At this point, the theory of effort justification comes into play. According to this basic theory of social psychology, people find goals much more attractive and valuable when they have to struggle, pay a price, or work hard to achieve them (Aronson & Mills, 1959). This mechanism works perfectly in relationships, too. If someone does not face uncertainty, push their limits, or make emotional investments to win someone’s heart, their mind struggles to call that feeling love. If there is no effort involved, the mind has no reason to protect and elevate that emotion.
Another factor that explains this process is the investment model introduced to the literature by Rusbult (1980). Rusbult proved that deep commitment to a romantic partner does not only depend on the instant pleasure or satisfaction from the relationship. The real deciding factor is the amount of investment made in that relationship, such as the time spent, sacrifices made, shared secrets, and tears shed. If one side gives themselves completely and easily, the other side does not feel the need to make their own investment. Because there is no investment, the fear of losing the partner does not develop, and a deep connection cannot form.
In this situation, the partner who receives easy attention simply becomes a passive taker who satisfies their ego. They might feel sympathy or gratitude towards you, but they will never fall in love with you. Love is not a gift box; it is a shared building site.
Scarcity, Dopamine, and Romantic Desire
In addition, on a neurobiological and evolutionary level, the human mind is programmed to value things that are rare and hard to get. This is known as the scarcity principle. Research on mating strategies and how people show their availability shows that being available all the time drastically lowers a person’s perceived value as a mate (Jonason & Li, 2013).
If a person is always ready, replies to every message instantly, and shapes their life around their partner, the other side does not see them as a mystery to discover or a peak to climb. Instead, they see them as a guaranteed background feature. If there is no expectation and no effort, there is no dopamine release. Without dopamine, romantic passion cannot grow.
Conclusion
In conclusion, the psychological literature shows us a very clear truth. A healthy, passionate, and lasting romantic relationship is an active construction where both sides lay the emotional bricks together. Giving your attention, kindness, and heart generously is certainly a good thing. However, if you do this without giving the other person a chance to build, while erasing all your boundaries and losing your individuality, you will destroy the foundation of that relationship before it even starts.
People do not just want to be loved. They also want to feel they deserve that love and want to know they fought for it. If you take away someone’s right to put effort into you, you cannot expect them to see you as highly valuable at the end of the day.
“If you give someone a perfect house with the door wide open, everything clean, and the key in the lock, they will not hesitate to break its window at the first chance. People mourn the brick they carried on their backs with sweat, not the comfortable armchair they got for free.”
References
• Aronson, E., & Mills, J. (1959). The effect of severity of initiation on liking for a group. The Journal of Abnormal and Social Psychology, 59(2), 177–181.
• Jonason, P. K., & Li, N. P. (2013). Playing hard-to-get: Manipulating one’s perceived availability as a mate. European Journal of Personality, 27(5), 458–469.
• Norton, M. I., Mochon, D., & Ariely, D. (2012). The IKEA effect: When labor leads to love. Journal of Consumer Psychology, 22(3), 453–460.
• Rusbult, C. E. (1980). Commitment and satisfaction in romantic associations: A test of the investment model. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 16(2), 172–186.