We have all been hurt, and at some point, most of us come to recognise the need to let go—not because what happened was acceptable, but because holding on starts to feel heavier than it should.
Still, forgiveness is rarely easy. It often feels like something we try, struggle with, and return to over time.
One of the most widely studied ways of understanding this process is the REACH Forgiveness Model, developed by psychologist Everett Worthington.
What Does Forgiveness Mean?
Forgiveness is often misunderstood. It does not mean forgetting what happened, excusing harmful behaviour, condoning injustice, or automatically rebuilding a relationship. Likewise, forgiving someone does not mean abandoning healthy boundaries or placing yourself back in an unsafe situation.
Instead, forgiveness is an internal process that changes how we respond to an interpersonal hurt. While the memory of the event may remain, the emotional grip it has on us gradually begins to loosen.
Worthington distinguishes between two forms of forgiveness: decisional forgiveness and emotional forgiveness (Worthington, 2006). Decisional forgiveness involves making a conscious choice to stop seeking revenge or acting with hostility toward the person who caused harm. Emotional forgiveness, however, goes a step further by replacing resentment, bitterness, and anger with emotions such as empathy, compassion, or understanding.
While forgiveness cannot erase painful experiences, it can reduce the emotional burden they continue to carry.
But if forgiveness is more than simply making a decision, how does it actually happen?
Understanding Forgiveness Through the REACH Model
Worthington first became interested in forgiveness while working with couples whose relationships remained stuck despite improvements in communication and conflict resolution. He realised that unresolved resentment often prevented genuine healing, prompting him and his colleagues to develop an intervention specifically focused on forgiveness.
The result was the REACH Forgiveness Model, a five-part framework that has been widely studied and supported by research findings (Wade et al., 2014). Studies have found that the model is associated with increased forgiveness alongside reductions in anxiety and depressive symptoms, as well as improvements in overall psychological well-being (Ho et al., 2024).
Rather than presenting forgiveness as a quick decision, the REACH model describes it as a series of psychological shifts that help individuals move from emotional pain toward emotional healing.
Understanding the Process of REACH
R – Recall the Hurt
The first step involves honestly acknowledging the hurt without becoming consumed by it.
People often respond to painful experiences in one of two ways: repeatedly reliving them or avoiding them altogether. Neither approach is particularly helpful.
The REACH model encourages recalling the event as objectively as possible while resisting the urge to define yourself solely by what happened or to reduce the other person entirely to their harmful behaviour. Healing begins with recognising the reality of the hurt rather than denying or suppressing it.
E – Empathize
Empathy is perhaps the most challenging stage of the process.
This does not mean excusing harmful behaviour or suggesting that the offender’s actions were acceptable. Instead, empathy involves attempting to understand the circumstances, emotions, or life experiences that may have influenced the person’s behaviour.
Interestingly, neuroscience offers support for this process. Studies suggest that forgiveness engages brain systems involved in empathy, perspective-taking, and emotion regulation. By considering another person’s perspective, individuals may become less consumed by anger and better able to regulate the emotional distress associated with the offence.
Importantly, empathy should never be mistaken for accepting abuse or remaining in unsafe relationships. Understanding someone’s behaviour is not the same as justifying it.
A – Offer an Altruistic Gift
Worthington describes forgiveness as an altruistic gift: something freely offered rather than earned.
Many of us can recall a time when we hurt someone and were met with understanding instead of condemnation. Reflecting on those moments reminds us that forgiveness is something we have likely received ourselves.
This stage invites us to extend that same compassion to another person, not because they necessarily deserve it, but because offering forgiveness may ultimately support our own healing.
C – Commit to Forgiveness
Forgiveness is rarely accompanied by an immediate disappearance of painful emotions.
For this reason, the REACH model encourages making a deliberate commitment to forgive. This may involve writing the decision down, sharing it with a trusted person, or simply acknowledging it privately.
Commitment serves as an anchor. When resentment resurfaces—as it often does—it reminds us that forgiveness was not based on a fleeting emotion but on a thoughtful choice to move forward.
H – Hold On to Forgiveness
Perhaps the most important stage is recognising that forgiveness is not linear.
Painful memories can return unexpectedly, and moments of anger may reappear even after genuine forgiveness has begun. This does not mean the process has failed. Rather than starting over, the REACH model encourages individuals to return to the commitment they have already made.
Holding on to forgiveness is therefore less about forgetting the past than choosing, again and again, not to let it dictate the present.
Last Notes
The REACH model offers a useful way of understanding forgiveness not as a single decision, but as a series of psychological shifts that unfold over time. It highlights that moving on is rarely about forgetting or excusing what happened, but about how we come to relate differently to the experience itself.
In this sense, forgiveness is less about reaching a final state and more about gradual change, where the intensity of hurt slowly shifts, even if the memory remains.
References
Wade, N. G., Hoyt, W. T., Kidwell, J. E., & Worthington, E. L. (2014). Efficacy of psychotherapeutic interventions to promote forgiveness: A meta-analysis. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 82(1), 154–170. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0035268
Worthington, E. L., Jr. (2006). Forgiveness and reconciliation: Theory and application (1st ed.). Routledge. https://doi.org/10.4324/9780203942734
Ho, M. Y., Worthington, E. L., Cowden, R. G., Bechara, A. O., Chen, Z. J., Gunatirin, E. Y., et al. (2024). International REACH forgiveness intervention: A multisite randomised controlled trial. BMJ Public Health, 2, e000072. https://doi.org/10.1136/bmjph-2023-000072
Everett Worthington – Forgiveness Research and Resources: http://www.evworthington-forgiveness.com/