Whose Thoughts Are You Thinking With?
Hello, “dear you.” I thought calling you a reader might create distance between us. So, if you agree, I’d like to address you as “dear you.”
We had talked about autumn and the many memories it brings. While drowning in dozens of memories and thoughts, a new question arose in my mind: Do all these thoughts that emerge in my mind really belong to me?
Sometimes you wake up one morning, and a thought appears in your mind. So familiar, so seemingly yours… You think, “Yes, this is me, this is how I think,” without questioning it. But who built that “I”? Was it you, or the thousands of voices that spoke before you?
Perhaps someone told you as a child, “You must succeed,” and from that day on, you considered resting laziness, and breathing and calming down a weakness. Perhaps your mother said, “Don’t show your feelings too much, or you’ll lose your value,” or “You are a woman; you should speak little,” and ever since, you have hesitated to show your feelings and express yourself. Perhaps your teacher said, “A woman should be dignified,” and you mistook silence for maturity.
Society taught you that being a woman means silence, patience, and moderation. Even in romantic relationships, you thought that taking a step back was grace. You learned that to be loved, you must “not be too much,” and perhaps without even realizing it, you began prioritizing the boundaries of others over your own desires. Your boundaries and desires disappeared. You became a shadow.
If you become a shadow, it means you have been invaded — a silent invasion. The words of others begin to live in your mind as if they were your own thoughts, and they grow gradually. You can no longer distinguish your inner voice from them, and without realizing it, you slowly lose your own voice in the crowd.
One day, suddenly, a voice whispers inside you:
“Does this thought really belong to me, or is it someone else’s hum?”
A Psychological Perspective on the Hums in Your Mind
In psychology, internalizing the hums of others is called internalization. People unconsciously adopt values and judgments from their surroundings as part of their own identity. This is an inevitable developmental process; the real problem begins when these values are assumed to be “mine” without question. Then you start thinking not about what you believe, but about what you are supposed to believe.
Psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott describes this with the concept of the false self. The false self is a mask created to meet the expectations of the environment. The true self remains deep inside because approval from the outside world often comes with silence. Women often wear this mask in romantic relationships — selfless, understanding, patient — but most of the time, they have suppressed their own voice.
While trying to exist according to society’s definition of the “right woman,” their true selves slowly become invisible.
The concept of conformity in social psychology also explains the societal aspect of this process. In Solomon Asch’s experiments, individuals were seen agreeing with an incorrect idea under group pressure. People find conforming to the majority safer than seeking the truth.
You do this sometimes too; you stay silent because you fear being “too much.” Social approval replaces inner freedom.
Many women see their emotional labor in romantic relationships as a “natural duty,” but often cannot distinguish whether it is their own desire or a learned role. The mind internalizes this role; the sentence “this is who I am” eventually turns into “this is who I must be.”
Here, the fine line between authenticity and conformity disappears. The true self struggles to breathe beneath the masks.
Yet sometimes, you live for years without ever hearing that voice, because silence is mistaken for peace. But this silence is actually an effort to suppress existence.
Finding the True Owner of the Hum
Living with thoughts that are not your own creates an invisible fatigue in the human soul. This fatigue often hides in that question mark you cannot explain: “Why do I feel this way?”
Mental freedom begins with the courage to notice this gap. When a thought comes to your mind, pause for a moment and ask yourself:
“Is this really my thought, or something I was taught?”
This small pause is the threshold of breathing and awareness. The voices of others gradually fade, and you start hearing your own. Perhaps this voice is weak, uncertain, newborn — maybe even like a whisper. But it belongs to you, and every time it is heard, it grows stronger, clearer, and takes root.
The real you emerges not by silencing the voices of others, but by understanding which voice does not belong to you.
Finding yourself does not distance you from society; on the contrary, it allows the discovery of your soul.
Because when you free yourself from the thoughts of others, you are truly “you” for the first time.
At that moment, dear you, the silent invasion ends. The hums in your mind cease, and what remains is a melody that calms your soul and makes it dance: your voice.
“Dear you,” even for a moment, allow yourself and the true melody in your mind. Let your soul dance in harmony with your melodies instead of getting lost in the hums.