When we talk about wanting to be in a relationship, our dream is almost always the same: a safe space where we can build a strong bond filled with peace, love, and trust. John Gottman, a psychologist, spent over 40 years observing couples to discover how this dream can become a reality. His research led him to develop a 7-story structure for an ideal relationship.
Just as a sturdy home has a foundation, walls, and a roof, relationships also stand on such a structure. Let’s take a tour of this house together.
1st Floor: Love Maps
Love maps refer to knowing your partner’s inner world. Partners can get to know each other by asking the right questions. The better we know the other person, the stronger the foundation we build. For example:
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Who is their closest friend?
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What kind of childhood did they have?
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What do they like and dislike?
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How do they prefer to relax after a stressful or tiring day?
Asking such questions helps create and strengthen love maps. In a healthy relationship, partners know each other well.
2nd Floor: Share Fondness and Admiration
Sharing appreciation, admiration, and the qualities you value in each other creates a small but powerful force that makes both partners feel valued. When partners look for each other’s mistakes less and share their affection and care more, the relationship grows stronger.
According to research, it takes at least five positive interactions to neutralize the impact of a single negative comment. That’s why you should never hesitate to express the good.
3rd Floor: Turning Toward Each Other
In relationships, partners make constant bids—big or small—to connect.
For example, when one looks at a dog sticking its head out of a car window and says, “That’s so cute,” responding with “Yes, it really is!” builds connection. Or, when a partner talks about something upsetting, instead of immediately offering a solution, showing understanding first can make them feel heard.
Regardless of how big or small the bid is, if one partner responds positively, the bond strengthens. Seeing and meeting each other’s needs is essential.
4th Floor: Positive Perspective
The first three floors help build a strong friendship between partners, while this floor is about how partners view their relationship. Having a positive outlook strengthens the bond.
This doesn’t mean ignoring problems; it means interpreting your partner’s intentions in a positive way. In healthy relationships, couples are not quick to criticize or blame. Believing that you’re on the same team strengthens the partnership from the inside out.
5th Floor: Managing Conflict
Research shows that 69% of conflicts between couples are never fully resolved, meaning only 31% can be solved. In other words, some issues will always remain. What matters is using respectful and flexible language during disagreements.
A strong relationship is built when couples:
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Speak about themselves and their needs without using a blaming tone,
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Soften conflicts instead of escalating them,
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Stay calm and seek compromise,
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Accept the influence they have on each other.
6th Floor: Making Life Dreams Come True
Shared dreams move a relationship forward.
In strong relationships, partners create safe spaces to talk openly about themselves, their dreams, values, desires, and goals. Examples include:
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Taking up a new hobby together,
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Creating a bucket list,
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Talking about where they’d like to live in the future,
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Making long-term plans.
Even simply dreaming together can strengthen the “we” feeling between partners.
7th Floor: Creating Shared Meaning
A relationship is stronger when partners share life purpose, goals, values, and meanings.
Shared meaning is created through rituals, roles, traditions, and beliefs that meet each other’s needs. The more shared meaning in a relationship, the richer and more satisfying it becomes. Examples include:
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Preparing breakfast together every Sunday morning,
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Using nicknames for each other,
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Setting household rules together.
In short, creating a unique culture sets your relationship apart and builds deep bonds.
The Roof: Trust and Commitment
While every floor of the Sound Relationship House is important, trust and commitment are the structural columns that hold the house together from the foundation to the roof. If one column weakens, every floor is at risk. That’s why trust and commitment should be felt at every stage of the relationship.
In a healthy, supportive relationship, two people love each other freely and help one another nurture that love so it can continue to grow.
Conclusion
A healthy and supportive relationship doesn’t form on its own or happen overnight; it is built brick by brick and strengthened through trust, commitment, and intentional effort. By nurturing each floor of the Sound Relationship House and repairing the layers that need attention, couples can create a safe, loving, and lasting partnership.
References
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Gottman, J. M., & Gottman, J. S. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York: Crown Publishers.
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Gottman, J. M., & Gottman, J. S. (2015). 10 Principles for Doing Effective Couples Therapy. New York: W. W. Norton & Company.
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Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2012). What Makes Love Last? How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal. New York: Simon & Schuster.