“The storm hit. Not far away—quite near and fierce—it hurled me and pushed me to another edge. The cliff I kept returning to pulled me down once again. Being tossed around was exhausting, and it was never something I wanted. But I knew that what pushed me was beyond my control. I had been thrown off course many times before,” my client said, as we focused on the idea of holding on.
This need to hold on was not merely about attaching to a person or a situation, but also about the search for balance and continuity within one’s own inner world. At this very point, the emotional oscillations and shifts in identity perception characteristic of borderline personality disorder structure came to mind; for individuals with borderline personality disorder live in a constant swing between an intense desire for attachment and a fear of abandonment (American Psychiatric Association [APA], 2013).
In borderline personality disorder organization, such emotional oscillations cause deep wear and tear—both within the self and in relationships. One day they may feel profound love and attachment, and the next, intense anger or the urge to withdraw from the same person. These ups and downs drain not only the people around them, but especially the person themselves.
Each swing is accompanied by an inner storm; thoughts, emotions, and the body all go into alarm mode at once. Failing to find something to hold on to during these storms creates a deep sense of emptiness, as if their sense of self and emotional ground had been uprooted, leaving no safe inner space to stand on. Over time, this emptiness can turn not only into psychological but also physical exhaustion, leaving the person feeling drained both emotionally and bodily (Linehan, 1993; Fonagy & Bateman, 2008).
The roots of this emptiness often stretch back to early childhood. The first bond a child forms with caregivers lays the foundation for all future relationships with the world. In an environment where love, attention, and care are inconsistent, where emotional needs are unmet or rejected, a child struggles to develop secure attachment. They long for closeness and acceptance while harboring a deep fear that the person they are attached to will one day leave or hurt them. Such conflicting experiences lay the groundwork for borderline personality disorder organization in adulthood, for the person seeks a safe harbor yet perceives every harbor as a stormy sea. In this way, attachment wounds do not remain mere relics of the past but become wounds that repeatedly open in present-day relationships (Fonagy & Bateman, 2008).
In therapy, these attachment wounds are readdressed within the experience of a safe relationship. For many with borderline personality disorder, the therapist becomes the first consistent, nonjudgmental, and emotionally available figure they have encountered. This safe space allows the person to recognize their emotions and notice the emotional oscillations they experience in relationships. At this point, “holding on” is not just leaning on someone else but building one’s own internal anchors. Over time, the person discovers that they can remain standing even in the midst of storms, and that sometimes the safest place to hold on to is their own inner strength. Thus, the recurring cycles of the past gradually break, giving way to more balanced, sustainable relationships (Bateman & Fonagy, 2016).
Because some wounds do not heal through words alone, but through relationships that are re-lived and re-felt. When the traces of the past seep into the heart of the present, the goal is not to erase them but to learn to make peace with them. And sometimes, the hand to hold onto grows not outside, but within.
References
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American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed.). American Psychiatric Publishing.
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Fonagy, P., & Bateman, A. W. (2008). The development of borderline personality disorder—A mentalizing model. Journal of Personality Disorders, 22(1), 4–21. https://doi.org/10.1521/pedi.2008.22.1.4
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Linehan, M. M. (1993). Cognitive-behavioral treatment of borderline personality disorder. Guilford Press.