Nowadays, parents do not rely solely on the methods they observed in their own families when raising their children; they also pay attention to advice from books, experts, and social media. This abundance of information can be guiding on one hand, but it can also create confusion. While the attitude of “I’ve raised so many kids” is misleading, can advice from books such as “Never hold your children” or “English education is mandatory from age two” really be correct? Are parenting books truly a compass for parents, or do they act as a source of pressure?
Benefits of Parenting Books
It is completely natural for parents to feel alone, directionless, and unsure of what to do while raising a child. The desire to be a good and competent parent, striving to do one’s best with proper education and support, often leads parents to seek help from parenting books. These books not only reassure parents that they are not alone, but also show that the challenges they face are not personal but universal, providing a sense of relief. They simplify scientific research into everyday language, increasing parental awareness.
For example, a three-year-old child may begin screaming and throwing themselves on the floor when refusing to share toys. The mother decides to apply the “naming emotions” technique she learned from a book. In a calm tone, she says, “I see you’re very angry right now, and I understand that.” This simple step helps the child express themselves and recognize their emotions. Seeing their anger acknowledged, the child calms down relatively quickly and becomes more receptive to the mother’s suggested solutions. This small example demonstrates how the methods offered by parenting books can be applied in daily life and empower parents.
Risks of Over-Reliance on Books
Since books provide general information based on scientific research, trying to apply every suggestion to every child can be problematic. Every child is different, and when the methods described in books are applied rigidly, a child’s individual needs may be overlooked.
Strictly following what a book says can suppress a parent’s own instincts. Conflict may arise within the family. The mentality of “the book says so” can clash with family dynamics or the child’s personality.
Separating Right from Wrong
While some books are based on scientific principles, others may simply reflect personal opinions that have become trendy. Parents need a critical filter: Is this information really suitable for my child? Does it align with our family culture?
For example, strict advice such as “do not allow the child to get used to being held” can undermine a child’s sense of security according to modern psychology. A child should build trust with their family, not feel alone, and only after understanding this feeling can they begin to develop themselves. Some experts argue that rigid recommendations in books can negatively affect the child, while others believe that setting certain boundaries is necessary for discipline and security. This shows that not everything we read should be considered entirely correct.
For instance, a four-year-old child may throw a tantrum when refusing to share toys with a sibling, and the mother applies the “naming emotions” technique from a book: “I see you’re very angry right now, and I understand that.” However, in this case, the child does not listen and continues to express their anger even more intensely. This illustrates that a method is not universally effective. Some children may recognize their emotions yet still struggle to change their behavior, emphasizing the need for parents to develop different strategies, understand their child’s individual needs, and approach situations flexibly.
Guilt and Feelings of Inadequacy
The “ideal parent” profile depicted in books does not always match real life. Due to work demands, economic challenges, or family dynamics, it may not be possible to implement all recommended methods perfectly. In such cases, parents may begin to feel inadequate, thinking, “I must not be a good mother/father.” This can affect the energy conveyed to the child and create tension within the family. It is important to remember that no book mandates strict adherence.
Balancing Knowledge and Intuition
The healthiest approach is to neither completely reject the knowledge gained from books nor follow it blindly. Books can guide, but parents are the ones who truly observe and understand their child’s needs. A method may appear logical in a book, but if the child resists, a different approach may be required. Parents should rely on their parental intuition while using book knowledge as a supporting guide. Maintaining ongoing communication, listening, understanding, and being ready to develop solutions together with the child is key to finding the best path.
Books as Compass, Not Map
In conclusion, parenting books are valuable guides for parents, but the ultimate decision still rests with the parent. Books can act as a compass, but the journey is shaped by each child’s unique needs. Therefore, raising children with the help of books gains meaning when the books are seen not as sacred rulebooks but as flexible tools to support parenting.