One of the most invisible yet potent issues in modern society is our deep-seated need for “others” to approve of our actions. It is as if the steps we take to move forward are entirely dependent on the applause of an audience. But who are these “others”? Why do they hold such authority over our lives? Or, perhaps the more vital question: Why do we allow them so much power?
The Roots Of Attachment and Performance
From a psychological perspective, the roots of this need often reach back to childhood attachment experiences. Experiences such as conditional love (“I will love you if you do this”), overly critical parenting, or emotionally inconsistent care can lead an individual to link love and acceptance to performance. A child growing up in such an environment eventually learns this: “I am not valuable for who I am, but for what I do.”
In adulthood, this learning manifests as a constant search for external validation. The individual waits for feedback from the outside world to feel accepted. However, during this process, something internal slowly withers: the sense of self-efficacy—the capacity to say “I am enough” to oneself.
The Inner Critic and The Social Media Cycle
The need for validation often works in tandem with a powerful inner critic, or the “inner judge.” This judge ensures the individual already feels inadequate, prompting them to seek external approval for a brief moment of relief. Yet, this relief is never permanent. Soon enough, the feeling of inadequacy returns, and the cycle begins anew.
Today, we witness the most visible form of this cycle on social media. People constantly find themselves comparing their lives to others. Questions like “How do I look in their eyes?” or “Am I good enough?” begin to occupy the mind. All these questions share a common flaw: their answers are always sought externally.
Developing Internal Reference Points
Is it possible to break this cycle? The first step is awareness. Asking the question, “Am I doing this because I truly want to, or because I want to be approved?” opens the door to rethinking one’s relationship with oneself. Most of the time, these automated behaviors continue simply because they go unnoticed.
Secondly, it is crucial to develop internal reference points. This means defining one’s own values, priorities, and boundaries. It is neither possible nor necessary for everyone to approve of you. Accepting this truth gradually weakens the dependency on external validation. Another vital point is recognizing the inner judge and transforming the language we use with ourselves. Questioning that voice that constantly criticizes and induces inadequacy, and replacing it with a more understanding and supportive inner voice, strengthens psychological resilience.
Embracing Imperfection and Self-Connection
Perhaps, for the first time, we need to stop looking at ourselves from the outside and try looking from within. We must learn to see our flaws not as a “to-do list” of errors to be fixed, but as a natural part of being human. To accept that everyone stumbles, errs, and learns… Because a human being is most exhausted when judged from within.
Being constantly on edge, fearing mistakes, and questioning every step eventually damages the relationship one has with oneself. Yet, growth does not stem from being perfect; it comes from being able to connect with our imperfections. In a world where the voices of others are so loud, hearing your own is not easy. Social media, societal expectations, and cultural norms often whisper how we “should” be. As we lose ourselves in these voices, recognizing our own needs and boundaries becomes increasingly difficult.
The Power Of Conscious Self-Relationship
At this very point, establishing a more conscious relationship with oneself becomes paramount. Noticing what you feel, understanding what you need, and making choices accordingly… These are small but powerful steps. Every moment of awareness slightly loosens the grip of external dependency. At the same time, accepting that it is impossible to be liked by everyone is a liberating step. Striving for universal approval can lead to the violation of one’s own boundaries. Sometimes, being able to say “no,” or even risking being misunderstood, is a vital component of a healthy self-perception.
And perhaps most importantly: Centering your own experience. Before wondering what others think, we must ask: “What do I feel?”, “What does this mean to me?” These questions help an individual rediscover their own internal compass. External validation is fleeting. It may be here today and gone tomorrow. But a solid and compassionate relationship with oneself is far more permanent.
Perhaps the goal is not to be “enough” in the eyes of others, but to learn how to stand by yourself in your own eyes. And perhaps real strength is found not in the moments we are applauded, but in the moments we value ourselves when no one is watching.