Have you ever looked at your partner and felt that he or she is very much like a person from your past, especially from your family? Or have you ever thought that you have found that feeling in someone that you have always wanted but never had?
If not, you can ask yourself these questions now before reading this article. In this article, we will look at what the ‘Fate Motif’ is and how it can shape marriage, one of the biggest decisions in our lives.
Gülseren Budayıcıoğlu defines the concept of the fate motif as “A map of life drawn with the experiences we gain in early childhood and the emotions that emerge as a result of these experiences. In other words, it is possible to say that the fate motif is the core of life. Each of us draws a path for ourselves with the lessons we learn from life, and then we try to protect the emotions we know and recognize in our lives in order not to deviate from that path we have learned.” (Budayıcıoğlu, 2019) These familiar emotions that we try to protect in our lives can be love and excitement, but they can also be feelings of hate, worthlessness, and inadequacy. Sometimes the compassion you received from your mother can be the main emotion you find in your partner, while the value you never received from your mother can be the main element that affects you in your partner. If you grew up in an environment where you were not sufficiently cared for, not understood, or left alone, you may automatically choose a partner who fulfills these feelings. However, the concept of a fate motif does not always work this way. When you spend a long time in a family where there is not enough love and violence, you may see the concept of family in this way, and when you start a family, you may have a married life where love is insufficient and violence is shown.
Now let’s imagine the opposite situation. Imagine that you are passing on the love and possessiveness that you see, or the violence and pessimism that you see. Then this can become an endless transmission that continues for generations. These transmissions can sometimes cause personality disorders and affect not only the relationship with the partner but also social relationships. It can change an individual’s view of themselves, their attitude towards life, their level of psychological stability, their expectations, and even their physical health.
Let’s take an example with you. As a boy, you grew up with a mother who supported you since you were little by constantly showing affection, protecting and caring for you, and helping you in every way. She was the most perfect person in the world for you. Then you met a woman who was optimistic, compassionate, helpful, and always there for you. You got married to this person and everything was going so well that you couldn’t imagine, and then after a while, you realized that there was something wrong in your sex life with your wife and that your relationship with her was dominated more by feelings of compassion and value than by feelings of desire. At this point, we can actually see a person who married his mother. The individual has put a new mother in his/her home with the motif of fate.
We can also see this in an individual who is trying to feel the affection, appreciation, understanding, value, and labor that he/she always wanted to see from his/her mother by receiving it from his/her partner.
To give another example, there are people around us who are not happy in their relationships or who have been harmed in their relationships, but still cannot end the relationship and continue it. When we consider these people within the framework of the fate motif, we can say that we are likely to see that there is no happiness in the environment/family in which the person grew up. The person has defined the concept of family as a structure where there is no happiness, where there is psychological and/or physical violence, and which is shrouded in a sense of inadequacy. With this definition, he/she can only have a family if he/she marries a person who can adapt to this structure. In other words, he/she will actually continue her own destiny motif with the family she has established.
So what should we do for this?
First of all, take two pieces of paper and write a description of your own family on one and a description of the characteristics of the family you have created on the other. After writing, compare them. If there are certain expectations, perspectives, and needs that complement each other, you can address them.
If there are problems between you and your partner that you can’t resolve or you don’t understand why, you can have a conversation with your partner about the structure of the environment in which he or she grew up. You can find some points by talking to him/her about how the word family was defined in his/her childhood. This can bring solutions for both how you should behave and the negative situations you are experiencing between you.
Being aware of this issue can help you solve some of the problems that you cannot get out of your perspectives in your bilateral relationship. You may even be able to shed light on details you never realized.
Reference
Budayıcıoğlu, G. (2019, Kasım). Kader motifimizi nasıl değiştirebiliriz?