Throughout the years, the stories I have listened to, the internal wars I have witnessed, and the common ache carried in the soul of almost every individual raised in these lands point to a single focal point: Boundaries. Yet, we don’t particularly like this word. In our language, when we say “boundary,” a defense mechanism often kicks in, as if we are building walls of ice or turning our backs on those closest to us. Especially in a culture where love is perceived as “becoming one” or even “getting lost within each other,” attempting to set a boundary is often punished with labels like “ingratitude” or being an “unfilial child.” However, the clearest truth I have seen in my professional journey is this: If a person has no space to call their own, they no longer have a true “self” to offer to anyone else.
The Mask Of Love: Sacrifice
In our society, “sacrifice” is considered the highest virtue. Our mothers won’t eat so we can be fed; our fathers won’t buy clothes so we can be dressed. While this appears to be a magnificent act of compassion at first glance, there is often a heavy price on the other side of the coin: Emotional Indebtedness. The phrase “I worked my fingers to the bone for you” is not just a declaration of love; it is often a silent clause in an invisible contract. Once this sentence is heard, the child’s or spouse’s right to draw their own boundaries is effectively revoked. The thought, “Since so much was done for me, I must give up being myself,” is anchored into the subconscious. This is exactly where sacrifice ends and violation begins. If everyone in a house is living for one another but no one can be “themselves,” there is no healthy bond; instead, there is “enmeshment.” In such structures, it is unclear where one person ends and the other begins. Decisions are not made through free will, but rather through the filters of “Will my mother be upset?”, “What will my father say?”, or “What will people think?”
Saying “No” Is Not A Disconnection, But A Protection
I have observed countless times that the moment people struggle with the most is when they say “no” to their families or loved ones for the first time. In that moment, guilt hits the person like a sledgehammer. Saying “I can’t come to Sunday breakfast” feels as if it were a crime equivalent to severing all family ties. Dear reader, if you feel that familiar ache while reading these lines, know this: Your boundary is where the other person’s inadequacy begins. Refusing to allow someone to enter your life space without permission is not due to a lack of love for them, but out of respect for yourself. In a healthy family, an individual saying “I want to be alone today” or “I want to make this decision alone with my spouse” should be accepted as a natural need, not an act of rebellion. However, in our geography, a boundary is generally perceived as an attack. Youth whose rooms are entered without knocking, adults whose marriages are micro-managed, parents who try to run their children’s lives even after retirement… This scene may be familiar to us, but “familiar” does not mean “healthy.”
The “Local” Way Of Setting Boundaries
So, within this tightly woven cultural fabric, how do we create space for ourselves without destroying anyone? I would like to share a few fundamental steps that my experience has taught me:
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Guest the Guilt but Do Not Submit to It: When you set a boundary, that feeling of guilt will surely knock on your door. Invite it in; say, “I feel uncomfortable right now because I am doing something I’m not used to.” But do not back down because of that feeling. A boundary is nourished by consistency and only becomes normalized for the other party through repetition.
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Clarity is Kindness: Vague expressions like “Maybe I’ll come” or “We’ll see” leave room for the other party to intervene. Lack of clarity gives false hope and leads to eventual disappointment. The sentence “I am tired tonight and I prefer to stay home” is much more compassionate than “maybe” because it defines the limits clearly.
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Separating Emotion from Responsibility: Supporting your loved ones and dedicating time to them is valuable. However, taking responsibility for their emotions (being unhappy because they are unhappy, or changing your decision because they are angry) is not your job. Every adult is the owner of their own emotional world.
Protecting Your Own Garden
Dear reader, remember that the fences defining the boundaries of a garden are not there to crush the flowers inside, but to protect them and ensure they grow healthier. A healthy boundary between you and your family does not distance you from them; on the contrary, it makes your relationship more honest, more breathable, and more sincere. Accustoming yourself to being “violated” eventually leads to an accumulation of internal resentment. That anger will, sooner or later, reflect back on your loved ones. True and lasting love can only flourish between two free and integrated individuals. Today, ask yourself: “Which ‘yes’ am I saying when I actually want to say ‘no’?” Your answer will be where you begin to heal.