Unrequited love… A concept praised passionately in literature for centuries, repeated endlessly in songs, and often appearing as a symbol of an intense emotional bond, an irresistible love. Yet, from a psychological perspective, unrequited love is not merely a romantic feeling—it is often the reflection of our early relationships and developmental processes into adulthood.
Separation–Individuation: The Story of Psychological Birth
The separation–individuation theory developed by Margaret Mahler and her colleagues (Mahler, Pine & Bergman, 1975) helps us understand the “psychological birth” of an individual. According to Mahler, during the first months of life, the infant exists in a symbiotic unity with the caregiver. At this stage, the infant does not perceive itself as a separate being from the mother; safety, peace, and the continuity of life are synonymous with the caregiver’s presence.
From the sixth month onward, the process of separation–individuation begins. This process is explained through four subphases:
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Differentiation (5–10 months): The infant begins to distinguish itself from the caregiver.
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Practicing (10–16 months): Motor skills develop, and the infant ventures out to explore the world.
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Rapprochement (16–24 months): While gaining independence, the infant feels the need to return to the caregiver at times.
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Individuation and Emotional Object Constancy (24–36 months): The child can emotionally sense the caregiver’s presence even when they are physically absent.
These phases are not limited to childhood; a similar “closeness–distance” dynamic is often reenacted in romantic relationships.
The Role of Parenting Attitudes
Mahler’s theory emphasizes that the caregiver’s attitudes during the separation–individuation process shape the individual’s later relationships.
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Overprotective parent: Prevents the child’s attempts at separation, creating anxiety around independence. In adulthood, this may lead to an overly dependent attachment style, intolerant of separation.
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Distant or neglectful parent: Fails to support separation experiences; the caregiver’s emotional absence may cause the child to code separation as “abandonment.” In adulthood, this may manifest as avoidance of closeness or maintaining emotional distance.
Unrequited Love and Attachment Styles
Attachment theory (Bowlby, 1969; Hazan & Shaver, 1987) shows that early parent–child relationships transform into attachment styles in adult romantic relationships.
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Anxious attachment: Found in individuals who constantly question their partner’s love, fear separation intensely, and display clingy behaviors. Unrequited love is experienced more intensely here; love becomes an almost existential need.
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Avoidant attachment: Seen in those who perceive closeness as a threat, maintain emotional distance, and prioritize independence. Unrequited love is rarer here, but when it occurs, it is marked by strong inner conflicts.
Mikulincer & Shaver (2016) state that anxiously attached individuals view their partners as a “source of emotional security,” and thus develop high levels of stress and obsessive thoughts when faced with the possibility of separation.
The Psychodynamic Meaning of Unrequited Love
From a psychodynamic perspective, unrequited love is not merely “a great passion,” but rather a re-enactment of an incomplete developmental process. A separation–individuation process insufficiently supported in childhood may transform into a search for emotional wholeness through the partner in adulthood. Therefore, individuals experiencing unrequited love tend to see their partners not only as “lovers” but also as substitutes for the early caregiver figure.
Healthy Individuation and Mature Love
When psychological development is supported healthily, the individual can balance autonomy and closeness needs. In romantic relationships, this balance allows for loving without being overly dependent or excessively distant, and for tolerating separations without collapse.
Leaving the intensity of unrequited love to the pages of romantic literature, and moving toward more balanced and secure attachment patterns in real life, is the key to preserving psychological well-being.
References
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Mahler, M. S., Pine, F., & Bergman, A. (1975). The Psychological Birth of the Human Infant: Symbiosis and Individuation. New York: Basic Books.
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Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and Loss: Vol. 1. Attachment. New York: Basic Books.
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Hazan, C., & Shaver, P. (1987). Romantic love conceptualized as an attachment process. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 52(3), 511–524.
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Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2016). Attachment in Adulthood: Structure, Dynamics, and Change. Guilford Press.