Many of us have seen making others happy, being called “good people”, and quickly meeting needs as virtues. But haven’t we, at some point, felt drained, misunderstood, unappreciated, or disappointed? Self-care, one of the fundamental concepts in psychology, steps in precisely here: being able to say “me first” is an inseparable part of being a healthy individual. However, societal norms often attach a negative connotation to this concept. So, is saying “me first” selfish, or is it the key to psychological well-being?
Psychological Foundations of Being Able to Say “Me First”
Healthy individuals are aware of their own feelings, thoughts, and needs. Being able to set our personal boundaries, say “no” to others, and make time for ourselves helps us maintain our emotional resilience, self-confidence, and balance in relationships. As psychologist Abraham Maslow emphasized in his hierarchy of needs, to be beneficial to someone else, we must first meet our own basic needs.
The Difference Between Selfishness and Healthy Individuality
Selfishness means a person only considers their own desires, wishes, and interests; they are insensitive to the feelings, rights, or needs of others. When we talk about selfish individuals, we are referring to people in relationships, work life, and/or family who constantly prioritize their own gain, lack empathy, or are unwilling to share. This approach can lead to social isolation, unreciprocated help, and eventually loneliness.
Healthy individuality, on the other hand, involves recognizing one’s own needs while also respecting the rights of others. This means that while protecting their own space, they do not overstep the boundaries of others. These individuals manage to consider both themselves and others, thus building more balanced and satisfying relationships.
Excessive Giving: The Dangerous Face of Good Intentions
The exact opposite of being selfish is being “excessively giving”. Constantly trying to please others, disregarding one’s own boundaries, or being unable to say “no” is an easily appreciated approach, but one that leads to psychological exhaustion in the long run. Excessive giving paves the way for burnout, anger outbursts, self-resentment, feelings of worthlessness, and even depression. This is because the individual inwardly feels misunderstood and always in the “giving” position.
The important thing here is to find balance. Living only for ourselves can lead to losing our surroundings; living only for others can lead to losing our own self. A psychologically healthy individual is one who can create a balance between “giving” and “receiving” in their relationships.
Pleasing Others or Being the Leader of Your Own Life?
Our culture’s excessive glorification of “sacrifice” and “selflessness” can prevent many people from having enough say in their own lives. However, research shows that individuals who neglect themselves develop lower self-esteem and are more prone to anxiety and depression. People who prioritize their own needs and can set boundaries, on the other hand, build healthier relationships and can genuinely support others.
The simplest example: do you get the most out of your electronic devices when their batteries are full or when they are almost depleted? When we constantly give with selflessness and sacrifice, forgetting ourselves, we operate on 1% battery, on the verge of exhaustion. However, when we pause to listen to ourselves and meet our own needs, we can act with a full battery, whether for our own goals or to lend a helping hand to others. The support we give to our family and friends without depleting ourselves can deepen and strengthen our relationships with them while also contributing to our own happiness.
Prioritizing and Valuing Yourself Is Not Selfishness
Let’s not forget: making time for yourself, considering your needs, saying “no”, or refusing a request is not selfishness. Protecting our own well-being benefits others more than it harms. Because a full “self” can give more to its surroundings. As long as this balance doesn’t tip too far; let’s not focus only on ourselves or only on others.
Conclusion: If You Are Not First in Your Life, Who Will Be?
Many of us can feel selfish when we say “me first”. There is a fine line between being able to say “me first” and selfishness. Saying “me first” means remembering to meet our own needs just as we rush to meet the needs of others.
Prioritizing ourselves, considering our needs and feelings, setting personal boundaries, and being able to say “me first” from time to time are fundamental conditions for a healthy state of mind, satisfying relationships, and truly being a “good person”. Neither excessive selfishness nor excessive self-sacrifice. True balance lies in being able to make space for ourselves first, then for others.
The path to being a psychologically strong, happy, and productive individual begins with nurturing ourselves. To summarize a conversation I had with my very valuable former supervisor: no matter how much we feed those around us, they will continue to be hungry, and in this process, if we take responsibility for feeding them and don’t feed ourselves, we will become exhausted and disappear… If you want to truly contribute to those around you and to yourself — because our contributions to others are very valuable for a meaningful life — first learn to consider your own needs and boundaries, because you are always at the center of your life.