Do you find yourself asking someone for their opinion before making even the smallest decision? Do you replay your messages in your mind wondering, “Was I misunderstood?”, question yourself when someone replies late, or feel the urge to ask “Was it good?” after doing something? These behaviors may seem ordinary in daily life, yet they are shaped by powerful psychological dynamics.
The need for constant approval is often described simply as a lack of self-confidence. However, this perspective oversimplifies the issue. For many people, seeking approval is not a weakness but rather a learned survival strategy that once served a protective function. In this article, we will explore the roots of the need for approval and examine whether it is truly a sign of insecurity or a learned pattern of behavior.
What Is The Need For Approval, And What Is It Not?
The need for approval can be defined as basing the value of one’s thoughts, emotions, and behaviors largely on feedback from others. A crucial distinction must be made here:
Seeking approval is healthy; constantly needing approval means losing one’s inner compass.
Human beings are social creatures and naturally desire acceptance. As Baumeister and Leary (1995) emphasized, the need to belong is a fundamental psychological motivation. The problem arises when individuals invalidate their own evaluations and make others’ reactions their sole reference point.
At this stage, approval seeking is no longer a choice but feels like a necessity. When approval is not received, the person may feel uneasy, anxious, and increasingly worthless.
A Learning Process Rooted In Childhood
The foundations of constant approval seeking are often laid in childhood. Especially in families where love is conditional, children may develop core beliefs such as:
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“I am loved only if I behave correctly.”
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“If I make mistakes, my value decreases.”
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“I must please others.”
For these children, approval is not merely appreciation; it represents emotional safety. Over time, they learn to suppress their own needs, to be compliant, and to prioritize pleasing others. At that stage of life, this is a strategy that protects them.
In adulthood, however, the same strategy loses its function. The individual struggles to recognize personal boundaries, has difficulty identifying their own desires, and continuously gives more than they receive in relationships. This is the point at which the need for approval becomes problematic.
Insecurity Or A Learned Behavior?
The answer to this question actually includes both. The need for constant approval eventually fuels insecurity, but in many cases insecurity is not the starting point. The starting point is the learning:
“If I behave this way, I will be accepted.”
In other words, a person does not seek approval because they are insecure; they become dependent on approval in order to feel safe. Over time, this behavioral pattern becomes automatic, and the individual continues it without even questioning its origin.
From the perspective of schema therapy, this pattern is associated with the schemas of approval seeking and self-sacrifice (Young, Klosko, & Weishaar, 2003). When individuals tie their self-worth to others’ validation, their sense of self becomes externally dependent.
Social Media And The Digitalization Of Approval
Today, the need for approval is not only reinforced in interpersonal relationships but also in the digital world. Likes, comments, and follower counts make value measurable.
Being visible on social media gradually becomes equated with “existing.” Especially among young adults, approval is no longer seen as an option but as a psychological necessity. This further strengthens an already present need for validation.
The Cost Of Needing Approval
Individuals who constantly seek approval often:
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Struggle to set boundaries
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Experience intense guilt when they say “no”
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Suppress their own needs
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Feel emotionally exhausted in relationships
Although they may appear understanding and accommodating from the outside, internally they often struggle with feelings of worthlessness and inadequacy. This is because their self-worth is continuously dependent on others’ reactions.
Conclusion
The need for constant approval is not merely a sign of insecurity. It is often a learned, automatic pattern of behavior that once served a protective purpose. In adulthood, however, this pattern weakens the individual’s connection with their authentic self.
The essential question one must ask is:
“Am I doing this because I truly want to, or because I want to be approved?”
True psychological strength lies in validating one’s own emotions even when not everyone is pleased. It is the ability to stand firm when the applause fades. And yes, this is a skill that can be learned.
References
Baumeister, R. F., & Leary, M. R. (1995). The need to belong: Desire for interpersonal attachments as a fundamental human motivation. Psychological Bulletin, 117(3), 497–529.
Beck, J. S. (2011). Cognitive Behavior Therapy: Basics And Beyond (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.
Deci, E. L., & Ryan, R. M. (2000). The “what” and “why” of goal pursuits: Human needs and the self-determination of behavior. Psychological Inquiry, 11(4), 227–268.
Leary, M. R., & Baumeister, R. F. (2000). The nature and function of self-esteem: Sociometer theory. Advances In Experimental Social Psychology, 32, 1–62.
Young, J. E., Klosko, J. S., & Weishaar, M. E. (2003). Schema Therapy: A Practitioner’s Guide. Guilford Press.