In our daily lives, we often encounter people who complain. This person may be your friend, a family member, or even yourself. In this article, although it is not a scientific definition, I will discuss the term ‘complaining’, which is frequently used in everyday language, in relation to ‘passive-aggressive communication’.
So, let’s take a closer look at the word ‘complaining’.
“Complaining is a form of indirect expression developed in response to stress or internal conflict, and it is often considered a type of passive-aggressive behavior.”
– Eysenck, M. W. & Keane, M. T. (2015). Cognitive Psychology: A Student’s Handbook. Psychology Press.
It is easy to fall into negative thinking due to troubling global events, economic difficulties, relationship issues, or work-related stress in the world. But constant complaining is not as innocent as it seems. Although most of us have experienced this form of expression, do we understand it well enough? Why do people complain? What are the consequences of complaining?
Why do we complain?
The act of complaining is not a direct but an indirect form of communication. When people are ignored or criticized, they may suppress their feelings, and complaining can be a way out for the individual. At the same time, complaining can be a way of expression for individuals who have difficulty in defining and making sense of their emotions.
We have said that the act of complaining can manifest itself in situations that do not meet our expectations, when we are dissatisfied. However, this may be caused not only by the chaos of daily life but also by unresolved emotions or internal overwhelm. So this action may be a deeper cycle rather than an ordinary reaction.
In addition, people may have seen that their emotional needs, such as being understood, validated, supported, etc., are not met when they express them directly. But they may have often experienced that they receive more attention, understanding, or affection when they complain. This pattern may have been learned through past experiences or by observing others.
The individual’s complaining may have taken place through learning – not only around the self, but also with the influence of the environment. The role of the environment in the individual’s behavior should not be forgotten, and we should not ignore the possibility that it may have been formed through modeling.
Constant complaining is a passive expression of the desire to control the environment.
“People often try to regain a sense of control by engaging in behaviors such as complaining when they feel helpless.”
— Aaron Beck, Cognitive Therapy and the Emotional Disorders (1976)
The individual wants a sense of order and reliability in their inner world. When the individual cannot see their life in order, or feels disregarded and powerless, they may try to express themselves through complaining because they avoid confronting their feelings or environment. In short, complaining is an unhealthy and indirect way of communication.
What are the effects of complaining on the individual and the environment?
Although complaining provides short-term relief, the individual may face more difficulties afterwards, as the root of the problem is not addressed. The individual may soothe a situation that is in their power to change for a short period of time through complaining. However, in the end, they have not made an effective attempt.
As a result, the individual may become more depressed and pessimistic. This can lead to anxiety, outbursts of anger, and even depression. Despite all the complaining, they have not found a permanent solution, and this helplessness can lead to low self-esteem. The person may not feel empowered, and in this case, they may try to get relief by complaining again, making the situation more complicated.
This action of the individual not only affects them, but also greatly affects their environment. The individual’s pessimistic outlook also affects their environment and may prevent the individual from establishing the intimacy they actually desire.
An individual who expresses themselves through complaining may not be understood by the people around them, and therefore the desired bond may not be established. Thus, the person has difficulty in establishing intimacy. The person who drags their environment into this negativity may cause the other person to withdraw or become defensive. The desired secure bond cannot be established.
The environment may start to complain about the individual, and it may become more difficult to establish healthy communication. Therefore, the individual affects both themselves and their environment in a negative way, and the peaceful environment sought gradually disappears.
What should the individual do in this situation?
The first thing we need to develop in order to recognize that a problem is a problem is awareness. A person who has developed awareness can realize when they are engaging in complaining, and understand how damaging it is to their environment and to themselves.
The individual who observes themselves can see in which situations, or when they are struggling with which feelings, they exhibit this behavior and can take responsibility for changing it.
In addition, with the developing awareness, they should try to get to the root of the problem and try to understand their inner intention. They can observe that the situation is caused by unmet emotional needs. For example, they may be experiencing fatigue inside and may be expressing it outwardly by complaining. By recognizing themselves and their needs, they can now better see the root of the problem and strive to change this behavior.
In addition to developing awareness, the individual should also make an effort to establish healthy communication. They should be more constructive and clear when expressing themselves. They should aim to give healthy feedback by making constructive requests, without judging themselves or others.
References
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Yeditepe University. (n.d.). Too much complaining is annoying and harms the brain.
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John Gottman, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (1999)
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Beck, A. (1976). Cognitive Therapy and the Emotional Disorders. Penguin.
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American Psychiatric Association. (2011). The American Journal of Psychiatry, Volume 168.
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Rosenberg, M. (2003). Şiddetsiz İletişim: Bir Yaşam Dili. PuddleDancer Press.
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Burleson, B. R. (2003). The Experience and Expression of Emotion: Implications for Social Communication. Cambridge University Press.
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Martin Seligman, Learned Helplessness Theory, 1975
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John Gottman, The Four Horsemen of Relationship Apocalypse, 1999
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Alice Miller, The Drama of the Gifted Child, 1979
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Marshall Rosenberg, 2003
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Rosenberg, M. B., Nonviolent Communication, 2003