When someone distances themselves from you, it can hurt more than you expect. It’s not so much their place in your life, but the feelings their absence stirs within you. Are you trying to fill the emptiness in your heart with their presence, or are you seeking back the value, attention, and approval they once gave you?
The human mind often judges the worth of something not by its true value, but by how difficult it is to attain. In psychology, this phenomenon is called the scarcity effect.
The scarcity effect occurs when an object or person becomes inaccessible, causing the mind to perceive it as more valuable than it actually is (Cialdini, 2009). Widely utilised in marketing and behavioural sciences, this concept applies not only to material things but also strongly influences emotional relationships. Especially in ended relationships, situations like abandonment or rejection trigger the mind to create an illusion through this effect: “The one who left was very valuable.” Yet this assigned value often stems not from the person’s true qualities, but from the fact they no longer belong to you.
The mind confuses love with lack. When you believe you miss the person who left you, your mind may actually be setting a trap, chasing after something it can no longer reach.
The Mind’s Scarcity Traps
Being rejected or distanced by someone activates an alarm system in the mind. This is unconsciously interpreted as “not being accepted.” Evolutionarily, being ostracised equalled death — being cast out of the tribe meant vulnerability and extinction. Though today physical danger may be absent, the psychological system still operates on these primal codes: “I’m not loved, therefore I am not valuable” (Crocker & Park, 2004).
It is precisely at this moment that the scarcity effect kicks in. The mind suddenly elevates the value of the person who no longer wants you. However, this increased “value” does not come from what they contributed to you but from your inability to have them anymore. They may have genuinely loved you for who you are or never loved you at all. Yet the mind idealises them in an attempt to regain lost attention. What you feel at this point is no longer love but obsession.
What you actually miss is not the person but the “validated” self that existed through their presence. When you ask, “Why didn’t they choose me?” the real question in your mind is: “Why am I not good enough?” But the answer to this question is not found in them. No one can provide it. Because this answer lies not in the outside world but only within your own inner self.
From Seeking Approval to Self-Worth
Here, the concept of self-validation comes into play — the ability to affirm your own worth from internal references rather than external sources (Neff, 2011). Someone not loving or wanting you does not diminish your value. Yet the mind resists believing this. From childhood, we learn a self-worth system dependent on external approval: “If my mother loves me, I am good; if my teacher praises me, I am smart; if my partner desires me, I am enough.”
The greatest trap of scarcity effect in relationships is this: idealising the one who left and confusing the value they gave you with your own worth. Real value is shaped not through others’ eyes but through your own inner gaze.
The Key to True Value and Healing
The pain you feel when someone leaves your life is not always due to love for that person. Sometimes their absence triggers confrontation with an inner emptiness. Your longing for their attention may echo the value you have not given yourself.
The mind easily confuses love with lack. Recognising this confusion is the first step towards healing. True healing begins not with someone else’s presence but when you start to see yourself through your own eyes. It is crucial not to allow your mind to deceive you during this process. What you thought was love might have only been an illusion that made you “feel valuable.”
When you become aware of the scarcity effect, you face this truth: what you really miss is the connection you haven’t formed with yourself. Trying to merge with someone else’s attention, you search for the part of you that remains incomplete. But completion starts within, not outside.
This journey is not easy. Facing losses, seeing inner voids, rewriting past codes—all take time. But in the end, the place you arrive at is not one validated by others, but one affirmed by your own heart. It is where external approval fades and your inner voice first echoes. It is the only place where true healing begins.
References
• Cialdini, R. B. (2009). Influence: Science and practice (5th ed.). Pearson.
• Crocker, J., & Park, L. E. (2004). The costly pursuit of self-esteem. Psychological Bulletin, 130(3), 392–414. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-2909.130.3.392
• Neff, K. D. (2011). Self-compassion: The proven power of being kind to yourself. William Morrow.
• Brown, B. (2010). The gifts of imperfection: Let go of who you think you’re supposed to be and embrace who you are. Hazelden.
• Swann, W. B. (1983). Self-verification: Bringing social reality into harmony with the self. In J. Suls & A. G. Greenwald (Eds.), Psychological perspectives on the self (Vol. 2, pp. 33–66). Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.