In life, all we want is to be good and happy (Dönmez, A. and Güler, M., 2011). But sometimes life throws such events at us that we feel lost in those. It is as if we have fallen into the middle of the sea and we have no place to go or a branch to hold on to. At those moments, someone asking the question “How are you?” reminds us that we are in the middle of that sea again. While one side of us wants to ask for help and tell how afraid we are of drowning in that sea, the other side hesitates to ask for that help. Maybe because we see how difficult our situation is, maybe because we are worried that the person who’s asking doesn’t want to help, he was just being nice, maybe because we do not want to upset or tire the other person (Aydın et al., 2017)…
In those times we find ourselves saying “I am fine” (Göcen, G., 2013). In fact, we are not, and while one side of us desperately wants to express it, the other side comes to the fore because of those maybes, and we automatically find ourselves saying “I am fine”. As we continue to say it, a part of us tries to believe what we say with hope. We begin to feel okay for a while. Maybe even happy. And as this state of well-being continues, our life becomes easier because we have forgotten that we are in the middle of that sea and have let ourselves go with the flow of that water. And it helps us to maintain our normal lives.
However, there comes a moment when it reminds us that we are in the middle of the sea again. This time, that sea scares us more than before. Because now, our bodies have started to weaken as time passed. And with this, that feeling of being lost makes itself felt even more intensely. At those moments again, someone asks: “How are you?” And we answer “I’m fine” with the same maybes. And with every “I’m fine”, that sea turns into an ocean.
At those moments, we don’t want to show how everything is so hard for us. Because expressing that painful truth makes us realize how difficult our situation is. And as this continues, we become alienated from life, the people that we love, and even ourselves. At that very moment, we turn to ourselves and ask “How am I?” And it is like hearing the sound of a ship from distance in the middle of the ocean.
In fact, it is the sound of help that we extend to ourselves. A single question shows us what we can do to reach that ship. It is actually a beginning. With this, we start swimming. As we swim, we not only hear the sound of that ship, but we can also see it. It is no longer just a hope, and with this, we continue swimming and eventually reach that ship.
A single question allows us to take control of our lives back into our own hands. So how does this happen?
We have coping methods that we have learned or been taught to cope with the difficult events we experience (Kaya, A. and Bozkur, B., 2017). Saying “I am fine even when you’re not” is actually one of them. Saying “I’m fine” means suppressing, not seeing, and ignoring the feelings and thoughts that come with that difficult event (West, AE, 2018).
If we don’t look at that side, we don’t see a problem and then we can say there is none. Not looking at that side, pushing them to the deepest, most secluded corners of our minds only helps us to maintain our “normal” lives for a while. However, our “normal” has also changed with this difficult event that develops in our lives.
And if we see those feelings, if we notice those thoughts, we need to see our new normal. That’s why we continue to push them to the farthest corner we can. As we continue to push, our arms get tired, our energy runs out.
Right at that moment, we look for a new method. Sometimes this method is to try to eliminate them completely. But no matter how much you pluck them, they show themselves again in secluded corners like the weeds that constantly grow on the road. As we pluck them and try to throw them away, they deepen their roots and strengthen their place.
Then we realize that this method doesn’t work and this time we leave it completely by itself, we turn our backs on them and walk away. But over time they take up more and more space there and start to take over our “normal” (Winefield, HR et al., 2012).
And then we have no choice but to see them completely. Asking what kind of a weed is that, what else is growing next to it is the first step to uprooting those weeds and turning them into a garden.
A single question we ask ourselves helps us take control of our problems, our minds, and our lives. However, being able to ask ourselves that question and honestly tell ourselves how we feel gives us courage.
To accept our new normal, to organize our lives with it, and most importantly to create space for ourselves. This space expands over time and when this question comes from another voice, we realize that we have the courage to honestly tell how we feel.
And even though that question comes with those maybes, we can take steps to be okay by saying “I am not okay” with them.