Infidelity is when one partner commits to another person, romantically or sexually, outside of the relationship (Blow, A. J., & Hartnett, K., 2005).
What are the Types of Infidelity?
-
Physical infidelity: This is the first type that comes to mind when infidelity is mentioned. Sexual intercourse with someone other than one’s partner falls into this category.
-
Emotional infidelity: This is romantic intimacy and deep emotional bonding with someone outside of one’s relationship.
-
Online infidelity: Secret correspondence and flirty messages exchanged on social media are signs of online infidelity.
(Glass, S. P. & Wright, T. L., 1992)
What Symptoms Should We Pay Attention to?
There are many signs of infidelity, but it’s not right to conclude it’s a scam based on a single symptom. First and foremost, accurate observation and open communication are essential. The most common signs include increased secrecy, defensive responses to even simple questions, increased time spent on the phone, and a decrease in physical or emotional closeness (Shackelford, T. K. & Buss, D. M., 1997).
Reasons for Infidelity
-
Feeling abandoned or neglected by the partner
-
Having attachment issues
-
Acting impulsively due to anger toward the partner
-
Wanting revenge
-
Boredom with monotony/needing change
-
Emotional or physical needs are not being met in the relationship
-
Avoiding conflict
-
Hesitating about intimacy
-
Having self-esteem issues
-
Showing narcissistic tendencies
(Allen, E. S. & Atkins, D. C., 2005)
What are the Implications of Attachment Theory?
Individuals with different attachment styles may exhibit infidelity in different ways and with different motivations:
People with a secure attachment style generally tend to communicate openly in their relationships. Because they can share their emotional needs with their partners, they have less need for external validation. Research shows that securely attached individuals have much lower rates of infidelity. They also have a higher capacity to recover from infidelity, as secure attachment plays a protective role in coping with relational difficulties (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2007).
Anxiously attached individuals live with a fear of abandonment and rejection. This fear, and the accompanying need for approval, can sometimes lead them to seek emotional or physical closeness outside the relationship. Therefore, anxiously attached individuals are at risk for both infidelity and being cheated on (DeWall et al., 2011).
Avoidantly attached individuals are uncomfortable with intimacy and place a high value on their freedom. Because they maintain emotional distance from their partners, they may seek to meet their physical or emotional needs outside the relationship. Infidelity can often become a strategy to maintain their independence (Birnbaum, 2010).
People with disorganized attachment styles desire closeness but fear rejection. These conflicting desires can lead to inconsistent behaviors, driving them to both seek and avoid closeness; infidelity can be seen as an expression of this internal conflict (Lyons-Ruth & Jacobvitz, 2008).
Attachment styles shape not only tendencies toward infidelity but also the way infidelity is experienced:
-
Securely attached people may exhibit healthier coping mechanisms after infidelity.
-
Anxiously attached people struggle with feelings of worthlessness, abandonment, and trauma.
-
Avoidantly attached people may be more distant and normalize infidelity.
-
People with disorganized attachment styles, on the other hand, may experience intense internal conflict because they simultaneously experience both a need for closeness and a fear of rejection. Therefore, experiences of infidelity can be more traumatic and complex than those with other attachment styles.
(Lyons-Ruth & Jacobvitz, 2008; DeWall et al., 2011)
After the Infidelity
-
Open communication: The first step is to share mutual feelings and try to understand the reasons for the infidelity. Even if reconciliation isn’t possible, addressing any questions is crucial for the psychological well-being of the person who was cheated on.
-
Couples therapy: Before determining the course of the relationship, consult a couples therapist who specializes in this field. These sessions can provide couples with insight into whether the relationship will continue or end.
References
Allen, E. S., & Atkins, D. C. (2005). Women’s infidelity and its association with relationship quality and psychological distress. Journal of Family Psychology, 19(1), 1–10.
Birnbaum, G. E. (2010). Attachment orientations, sexual functioning, and relationship satisfaction in a community sample of women. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 27(5), 735–757.
Blow, A. J., & Hartnett, K. (2005). Infidelity in committed relationships II: A substantive review. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 31(2), 217–233.
Buunk, B. P., Park, J. H., Zurriaga, R., Klavina, L., & Massar, K. (2018). Sexual jealousy across cultures: The role of mate preferences and relationship norms. Evolutionary Behavioral Sciences, 12(4), 292–307.
DeWall, C. N., Lambert, N. M., Slotter, E. B., Pond, R. S., & Finkel, E. J. (2011). Attachment and infidelity: A test of mediating mechanisms. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 28(4), 407–428.
Glass, S. P., & Wright, T. L. (1992). Justifications for extramarital relationships: The association between attitudes, behaviors, and gender. Journal of Sex Research, 29(3), 361–387.
Lyons-Ruth, K., & Jacobvitz, D. (2008). Attachment disorganization: Genetic factors, parenting contexts, and developmental transformation from infancy to adulthood. In J. Cassidy & P. R. Shaver (Eds.), Handbook of attachment: Theory, research, and clinical applications (2nd ed., pp. 666–697). Guilford Press.
Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2007). Attachment in adulthood: Structure, dynamics, and change. Guilford Press.
Shackelford, T. K., & Buss, D. M. (1997). Susceptibility to infidelity in the first year of marriage. Journal of Research in Personality, 31(2), 193–221.