In today’s world, many relationship problems actually stem from how poorly the pre-marital stage is managed. Healthy individuals first take the time to get to know one another, assess their compatibility, and then decide to marry. Unfortunately, in many parts of our society, this order is often reversed. People start truly getting to know, understand, and try to adjust to each other only after they get married. This reversal often paves the way for frustration, disappointment, and ultimately, unhappy marriages (İlhan & Işık, 2019, 1431).
In family counseling sessions, couples often repeat similar phrases:
“He wasn’t like this when we were dating.”
“We used to understand each other so much better before marriage.”
Such statements reveal an important truth — that the dating period has shifted from a genuine process of getting to know someone into one of consumption and shared entertainment. Instead of building meaningful communication as the foundation of their relationship, many couples focus primarily on spending time together. Yet, a healthy dating experience is less about having fun and more about understanding; less about sharing moments and more about truly getting to know one another (İlhan & Işık, 2019, 1440).
Misunderstanding The Meaning Of Dating
In our society, dating is often reduced to a series of activities — spending time together, having fun, going out, watching movies, or sharing a meal. While these activities may create pleasant memories, they do little to help people truly understand one another. Dating culture is not simply about “being together”; it is about getting to know each other deeply. It requires observing the other person’s character, values, emotional responses, and overall outlook on life (Aydın & Aktaş, 2024, 765).
Unfortunately, most people in the dating phase rarely focus on meaningful questions such as:
• How does this person behave under stress?
• How do they handle anger in moments of conflict or frustration, like in traffic?
• Do they take responsibility and make up for their mistakes?
• What is their relationship like with their family, especially their parents?
• What are their views on important topics such as gender, marriage, children, religion, or education?
These are the kinds of questions that truly reveal a person’s nature. Yet, people often get caught up asking simpler, surface-level questions:
“Are we seeing each other often enough?”
“Are we going to the places I like?”
“How attentive is he or she to me?”
At this point, the relationship stops being a process of discovery and turns into a habit of sharing. Instead of genuinely getting to know one another, partners spend time together without building anything meaningful — they consume the relationship rather than construct it (Aydın & Aktaş, 2024, 777).
The Influence Of Social Patterns
Society has created several misleading patterns when it comes to relationships. One common belief is that “the longer you date, the better you get to know each other.” Yet, both my research and counseling experience suggest otherwise. When the dating phase drags on, the relationship often turns into a habit — even a cycle of emotional consumption. Over time, excitement fades, expectations grow, and by the time marriage becomes a topic, both partners are already emotionally exhausted.
Understanding a person does not depend on how long you date but on how consciously you observe. If the dating process is mismanaged, it doesn’t matter whether it lasts a month or ten years — true understanding will never be achieved. That’s because the relationship model is built on pleasure rather than learning (Kaplan & Öztürk, 2023, p.85).
At the same time, societal pressure also shapes relationships. Phrases like “It’s time to get married,” “Don’t date for too long,” or “You’re getting older” can push individuals toward unhealthy decisions. The goal of dating should never be rushed by social expectations, yet it shouldn’t be allowed to drift aimlessly either. Finding that balance is the cornerstone of a conscious and healthy relationships process (Kaplan & Öztürk, 2023, 86).
Healthy Dating: Getting To Know Each Other And Value Alignment
A healthy dating process goes beyond emotional connection; it also involves alignment of values. Relationship compatibility, character, patience, anger management, communication style, and sense of responsibility are key factors that determine the future of a relationship. Can a person apologize when they make a mistake? Can they problem-solve instead of avoiding crises? The answers to these questions reveal the true quality of a relationship.
During dating, individuals naturally try to present their best selves to each other. However, this can sometimes overshadow reality. What truly matters is observing a person in their most authentic moments — when they are stressed, upset, or frustrated. It is in these moments, not during times of comfort, that character is revealed (Peker, Cingil, & Yazıcı, 2025, 200).
One of the most common mistakes in relationships is viewing dating as a period of sharing rather than getting to know each other. People marry without truly understanding their partner and then struggle to adapt, often resulting in conflict, unhappiness, and short-lived marriages.
Genuine understanding comes not from emotional sharing alone, but from recognizing values, thoughts, and boundaries. What sustains a relationship in the long term is not romance, but mutual respect and compatibility.
Therefore, dating should be understood correctly:
• Dating is not about changing someone, but about getting to know them as they are.
• The length of dating determines direction, not the quality, of the relationship.
• What matters is not how long it lasts, but how consciously and effectively it is managed.
Let us remember: a healthy marriage begins with a well-managed process of getting to know each other. Dating is not merely spending time together; it is an opportunity to understand someone you could build a future with. When approached with this awareness, relationships shift from being a cycle of consumption to a process of construction (Peker, Cingil, & Yazıcı, 2025, 201).
References
Aydın, A., & Aktaş, G. (2024). Causes of violence in dating relationships: A scale adaptation study. Dokuz Eylül University Journal of Social Sciences, 26(2), 762–784.
İlhan, T. S., & Işık, Ş. (2019). Marital life experiences and perceptions of marriage in the early years of marriage: Problems, challenges, and needs (pp. 1430–1448).
Kaplan, G., & Öztürk, S. M. (2023). The relationship between digital dating violence, gender perception, and internet addiction among youth. Akdeniz Journal of Women’s Studies and Gender, 68–91.
Peker, A., Cingil, T., & Yazıcı, Z. (2025). Examining the relationship between internalized sexism and attitudes toward dating violence in close relationships among women. Journal of Women’s Studies, 181–208.