What if the biggest thing we lack in our lives isn’t actually what we don’t have, but rather what we believe we’re lacking based on what others have?
We turn on our phones one morning and within minutes we’re inside dozens of lives. One person’s trip, another’s new job, one’s relationship, another’s changing body… It all flashes before our eyes at once. Even before we hang up the phone, we return to our own lives. Perhaps just minutes ago we were in a perfectly normal mood and feeling good, but suddenly we find ourselves questioning: “Why don’t I look like that?”, “Why is my life as good as theirs?”, “Why am I not as successful as them?”
Perhaps the problem isn’t that others look or are better than us. The problem is that we use their lives as a benchmark for our own.
Because, in reality, we often witness only a few moments that other people choose to show us, not their entire lives. Moreover, we compare all the shortcomings, difficulties, or failures of our own lives to a few beautiful moments in someone else’s life. So why is our mind so prone to doing this?
We look to others to understand ourselves.
Leon Festinger argues that people tend to compare themselves to others. This can be explained by the Social Comparison Theory, put forward in 1954. According to Festinger, people may sometimes use the people around them as a point of reference to evaluate their own ideas, abilities, and achievements.
Actually, this situation isn’t inherently negative. We all sometimes look around to find the answer to the question, “Where am I?” Benefiting from the experiences of a successful person or drawing inspiration from a friend’s work ethic can be part of a healthy form of comparison.
The problem arises when, as a result of the comparisons we make, we constantly begin to see ourselves as less than adequate.
When we look “upwards”
When we compare ourselves to people we perceive as more attractive, fitter, wealthier, or more successful than ourselves, this is called upward social comparison. While such comparisons can sometimes be motivating, our self-esteem and self-worth can be negatively affected when feelings of inadequacy become constant.
In particular, social media makes this process continuous and more visible. This is because social media shows us only selected moments of people’s lives, not their entire lives. We don’t know the disappointments a person has experienced, the years of effort they’ve put in, or what happened just minutes before that photograph was taken. Nevertheless, our minds can easily interpret the image they see as the entirety of reality.
What I find most striking here is this: Sometimes, what we’re comparing isn’t actually the person’s life, but the life they show us. We need to think and evaluate things from this perspective as well. We even evaluate our bodies based on the perspective of others.
Social comparison isn’t limited to material wealth or success. Body image and appearance also play a significant role, in particular.
We can look at someone’s face, body, or clothing style and start searching for something we see as lacking in ourselves. When filters, lighting, and poses are also used, unrealistic standards can emerge.
Then, when we look in the mirror, we want not ourselves, but the “ideal” image that has formed in our minds.
I think it’s important to ask ourselves this question at this point: “Do I really dislike myself, or do I feel inadequate because I constantly compare myself to others?”
Should we stop comparing altogether?
Frankly, I don’t think that’s very realistic. It’s impossible to completely eliminate the human mind’s tendency to compare. The main point is not to let comparison control us and to prevent negative emotions from surfacing.
To begin, we can try comparing ourselves not to the lives others portray us to have, but to our own past. Instead of saying, “They are better off or more advanced than me,” it might be more meaningful and achievable to ask, “Where was I a few months ago, and where am I now?”
Unfollowing or muting social media accounts that constantly make us feel inadequate can be a simple but effective start. Because these images that our minds are exposed to every day can negatively affect the opinions we form about ourselves.
Another important point is to personalize the concept of success. Our lives don’t have to progress at the same pace as others. Just because someone else achieved a goal at 20, and we reach it at 30, certainly doesn’t mean we’re less successful. Life isn’t a race, and everyone’s starting point and life circumstances are different.
And perhaps most importantly, I think the language we use towards ourselves needs to change.
If we don’t tell a friend they’re struggling, “You’re inadequate,” then we shouldn’t say the same thing to ourselves.
In fact, when we reach a healthy point and see the success of others, we realize that this doesn’t mean we’ve lost our own potential.
Perhaps the first step to ceasing to negatively compare ourselves to others isn’t to stop looking at other people’s lives altogether; it’s to become aware of the language we use to describe ourselves when we look.
Another person’s beauty certainly doesn’t diminish my own. Someone else’s success doesn’t mean my failure. Just because someone’s life is progressing differently than mine doesn’t mean I’m falling behind.
We all have different times, starting points, and stories in our lives.
So the next time we look at someone else’s life and think, “Why am I not like them?”, perhaps we should pause for a moment and ask ourselves another question:
“Instead of trying to live his life, how can I make my own life more meaningful?”
Because perhaps what we need isn’t a better life; it’s to stop looking at our own lives through someone else’s eyes.
Kaynakça
- Bonfanti, R. C., Melchiori, F., Teti, A., Albano, G., Raffard, S., Rodgers, R., & Lo Coco, G. (2025). The association between social comparison in social media, body image concerns and eating disorder symptoms: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Body Image, 52, 101841. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.bodyim.2024.101841
- Fardouly, J., & Vartanian, L. R. (2016). Social media and body image concerns: Current research and future directions. Current Opinion in Psychology, 9, 1–5. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.copsyc.2015.09.005
- Fardouly, J., & Vartanian, L. R. (2015). Negative comparisons about one's appearance mediate the relationship between Facebook usage and body image concerns. Body Image, 12, 82–88. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.bodyim.2014.10.004
- Festinger, L. (1954). A theory of social comparison processes. Human Relations, 7(2), 117–140
- Vogel, E. A., Rose, J. P., Roberts, L. R., & Eckles, K. (2014). Social comparison, social media, and self-esteem. Psychology of Popular Media Culture, 3(4), 206–222. https://doi.org/10.1037/ppm0000047