There is a peculiar moment most of us recognize, even if we rarely stop to think about it. We have finished everything we needed to do. Nobody is asking anything of us, and a few free minutes lie ahead. Instead of feeling relieved, we reach for our phones. Not because we are waiting for an important message or looking for something in particular. Sometimes, we unlock our screens almost automatically, as though doing nothing were a problem that needed to be solved. We tend to think of rest as something that helps us return to our responsibilities. We take breaks to study better, relax to feel better, and spend our free time in ways that are supposed to benefit us. But what if we do not want to achieve anything? What if we simply want to sit for a few minutes, without a plan or the expectation that we should feel different afterward? Perhaps the problem is not that we no longer know how to fill our time, but that we have become uncomfortable with time that does not need to be filled.
When Our Own Thoughts Become Too Much
In 2014, psychologist Timothy Wilson and his colleagues published a series of experiments in “Science” exploring how people respond to being alone with their thoughts. Participants were asked to spend time alone without phones, books, or other sources of entertainment, trying to occupy themselves with their own thoughts. Many found the experience surprisingly difficult. In one variation, participants could administer a mild electric shock to themselves if they wished. Some chose to do so rather than continue sitting alone with their thoughts. This finding is sometimes interpreted as proof that people prefer pain to their own thoughts. That conclusion goes too far. Not everyone chose the shock, and the study does not establish that people generally prefer pain to solitude. What it does suggest is that being alone with our thoughts, without external stimulation, can be much less enjoyable than we expect. Without an external task to direct their attention, many participants struggled to find a satisfying way to spend the time. Perhaps we have become so accustomed to having something capture our attention that we have forgotten what to do when nothing demands it. The phone offers an easy solution. One movement is enough to fill the silence. But there is a difference between wanting to look at something and feeling unable to tolerate a moment in which there is nothing to look at.
Boredom Is More Than a Lack of Entertainment
We often experience boredom as an empty space that needs to be filled as quickly as possible. Psychological research, however, suggests that it is more complex. Eastwood and colleagues (2012) describe boredom in terms of difficulty engaging attention in a satisfying activity. We can be busy and still feel bored, or have plenty of options available without finding any of them engaging enough. Boredom emerges when we want to become mentally engaged but struggle to find something that satisfies that desire. Sometimes, it signals that we need more challenge, meaning, or connection with what we are doing. If we are accustomed to content that changes every few seconds, waiting in a queue can feel unusually long. When nearly every free moment is filled with music, videos, or messages, silence can become uncomfortable. This does not mean that phones or digital content are inherently harmful. They can entertain us and connect us with others. The question is what happens when entertainment stops being a choice and becomes an automatic response to every moment without stimulation. When we can no longer wait a few minutes without checking a screen, perhaps the issue is not simply boredom. We may have become less comfortable with experiences that offer no immediate reward.
A Mind That Wanders When We Finally Stop
Being without external stimulation does not mean that our minds become empty. When we step away from an immediate task, our thoughts often begin to wander. We revisit conversations, remember old experiences, imagine future possibilities, or encounter worries we have kept in the background. Killingsworth and Gilbert (2010) investigated mind-wandering in the everyday lives of more than 2,000 adults. Using mobile experience sampling, they found that participants’ minds wandered approximately 47% of the time they were sampled. Mind-wandering was also associated with lower reported happiness. This does not mean that all mind-wandering is harmful. Free-flowing thoughts can support creativity, planning, and reflection. Nor does the association prove that wandering thoughts cause unhappiness. Still, the findings raise an important possibility. When we are left alone with ourselves, we do not always encounter the peacefulness we expect. Sometimes, we encounter unresolved feelings and questions that everyday busyness keeps in the background. Perhaps this is one reason why watching another video can feel easier than sitting without one. The video does not have to be particularly interesting. It only has to spare us the task of deciding what to do with our thoughts.
When Even Free Time Becomes a Task
There is another reason we may struggle to simply be: we have learned to justify our time. When we study, we want good grades. When we exercise, we want progress. When we read, we want to learn something useful. Even rest is often evaluated according to how much it restores us and how much more we can accomplish afterward. Goals can help us organize our lives. The problem begins when every activity needs a result and every moment must justify its existence. Rest then becomes another responsibility. We search for the best relaxation technique and judge our breaks by how productive or refreshed we feel afterward. Within this way of thinking, sitting on a balcony without a phone or taking a walk without a destination can seem pointless because these activities leave no clear result to measure. But not everything we do has to serve something else. A conversation with a friend does not have to become an opportunity to exchange useful information. Reading does not always have to expand our knowledge. Sometimes, we can listen to music without turning it into background noise for another task. Perhaps we have not forgotten how to rest. Perhaps we have simply become accustomed to believing that every moment that asks nothing of us must still serve a purpose.
We Do Not Have to Escape Every Empty Moment
The answer is not to abandon our phones or turn silence into another test of self-discipline. That would only make rest another task we have to perform successfully. Instead, we can begin by noticing our reactions. When we reach for our phones while waiting for someone, we can ask ourselves whether we genuinely want to see what is on the screen or whether we simply want to avoid the feeling that nothing is happening. We can take a walk without headphones or allow ourselves a few minutes without a plan. These moments will not necessarily feel pleasant every time. Boredom may appear, and silence may feel unfamiliar. There is no need to treat this as a success or failure. The point is not to learn how to spend time without stimulation perfectly. It is to regain a sense of choice: to reach for something because we want it, rather than because every moment without content has become uncomfortable. Sometimes, we will open our phones and find something that makes us laugh or connects us with someone we care about. Other times, we will put them aside and allow a few minutes to pass without anything noteworthy happening. And perhaps nothing worth telling anyone about will happen at all. We will not become more productive or necessarily arrive at a profound realization. We may simply sit, look through a window, and notice that it has started to rain. That does not mean we have wasted our time. Perhaps we have simply allowed a small part of it to be nothing more than what it is.
How to Practise Simply Being
Start with three minutes: Put your phone aside and spend three minutes without a specific goal. You do not have to meditate or empty your mind. Simply allow yourself to be where you are.
Notice the impulse: The next time you automatically reach for your phone, pause and ask yourself: Am I genuinely looking for something, or am I trying to escape the silence? Becoming aware of the impulse is enough.
Do not interrupt boredom immediately: Allow yourself to stay with the feeling a little longer. You might notice a thought, remember something, or simply continue waiting. That is enough, too.
These are not exercises in perfect self-control. They are opportunities to recognize our habits without judging ourselves. The aim is not to make every quiet moment meaningful, but to become more comfortable with moments that do not need to mean anything at all.
Kaynakça
- Eastwood, J. D., Frischen, A., Fenske, M. J., & Smilek, D. (2012). The unengaged mind: Defining boredom in terms of attention. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 7(5), 482–495.
- Killingsworth, M. A., & Gilbert, D. T. (2010). A wandering mind is an unhappy mind. Science, 330(6006), 932.
- Wilson, T. D., Reinhard, D. A., Westgate, E. C., Gilbert, D. T., Ellerbeck, N., Hahn, C., Brown, C. L., & Shaked, A. (2014). Just think: The challenges of the disengaged mind. Science, 345(6192), 75–77.