Let us recall that initial moment of witnessing a major achievement of a close friend, a long-dedicated colleague, or a family member. A genuine smile appears on the face, arms open warmly for an embrace, and words of congratulations flow out. Yet at that exact second, a difficult-to-define, fleeting pang is felt in the center of the chest. Even someone far from being a bad person, who sincerely wishes the best for their loved ones, can experience this feeling. Immediately suppressed by society, attempted to be disciplined, and hidden even from oneself, this emotion is the pure, primal, and inevitable “silent envy.” In this article for the readers of Psychology Times, we will explore this contradiction of human nature—one of the most shameful yet universal—through its underlying scientific and existential mechanisms.
The Primal Mechanism Remaining in the Shadow of Shame
While social sciences and psychology literature focused on positive emotions and healing processes for many years, they generally placed the dark or “unacceptable” sides of human nature within the parenthesis of pathology. Envy, however, from psychoanalytic theory to evolutionary psychology, is one of the most fundamental mechanisms of adaptation and self-preservation of the human mind. Melanie Klein, in her work Envy and Gratitude, states that envy is an angry begrudging directed at the beauty or success possessed by the object, taking root at the earliest developmental stages. According to Klein, envy differs from emulation; while emulation carries a desire to covet and reach what the other possesses, envy wishes for what the other has to be devalued or for the pain created by one’s own deficiency to subside.
Leon Festinger, the founder of Social Comparison Theory, posits that people define their own worth, abilities, and social status not through objective criteria, but by comparing themselves to similar others. The most critical detail in Festinger’s theory is the emphasis on “similarity.” It is quite unlikely for a person to feel envy toward an unattainable global star or a historical figure. However, the success of a friend of similar age, similar educational background, and raised in a similar social environment is perceived directly as a threat in the mind. Because their success inevitably begs the question: “Why couldn’t I do it?”
Neurobiological Mirror: Why Does Another’s Joy Cause Pain?
Functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) studies conducted over the last decade show that processes of social rejection and comparison follow the same pathways in the brain as physical pain. In a groundbreaking study conducted by Hidehiko Takahashi and his team, participants were asked to read stories of individuals with similar profiles who were more successful than themselves, while their brain activity was examined. The findings were striking: facing the superiority of someone we compare ourselves to activates our brain’s dorsal anterior cingulate cortex (dACC). This region is the exact same center that processes pain when our finger is cut or when we suffer a physical blow.
In other words, that fleeting pang felt in the presence of a loved one’s success is not a metaphorical feeling; it is the biological result of the brain coding a threat to its self-perception as “physical pain.” While the mirror neuron system simulates the other person’s joy, the self-matching mechanism notices its own deficiency. The brain interprets this condition as a form of social status loss or resource inadequacy. Therefore, feeling a pang at the same moment we rejoice in a loved one’s success is not hypocrisy or malice; it is the clash of two different systems operating simultaneously at a neurological level.
Social Comparison and the Shaking of Self-Worth
Abraham Tesser’s Self-Evaluation Maintenance Model provides an excellent theoretical foundation for understanding this conflict. According to Tesser, two main variables determine whether another person’s success will create pride or a threat within us: the closeness of the relationship and how important the domain in question is to our self-definition.
If a close friend achieves great success in a domain we have no interest in and do not define ourselves by (for example, in painting when we do not paint), we take pride in their success (“Reflection Effect”). However, if the domain in which our friend succeeds is one upon which we have built our own life, identity, and claims (for example, if both of us are academics and they win a prestigious fellowship), according to Tesser’s model, as closeness increases, the felt threat and envy increase exponentially. In this scenario, we feel as though our friend’s light has left us in the shadow rather than illuminating us.
Cultural Divide: Guilt in the East, Inadequacy in the West
The way silent envy is experienced and expressed varies across geographies and societal structures. Considering the readership of Psychology Times in both the United Kingdom and Turkey, the cultural background of strategies for coping with this emotion becomes even more meaningful.
In individualistic societies with high emotional restraint, such as the United Kingdom, the pang felt in the face of another’s success generally results in deep “inadequacy” and “inward comparison.” The person interprets this as their individual failure and steps back, maintaining a polite distance. In collectivist geographies like Turkey, where kinship/friendship ties are intricate, the situation is more complex. Because emotional expression and expectations of intimacy are high, the feeling of envy immediately generates severe “guilt.” The person considers themselves morally defective for feeling this toward a sibling or a dear friend, making exaggerated displays of joy to suppress the feeling. Yet, like every suppressed emotion, this pang seeps into the relationship through passive-aggressive behaviors, sudden minor tensions, or unexplainable cooling.
Facing Envy: Transitioning from Suppression to Acceptance
This silent pain is among the least uttered emotions in therapy rooms—one that clients hesitate most to express. Because society preaches that love and friendship must be pure, asserting that a relationship containing even the smallest speck of jealousy is “fake.” Yet the human mind is not black or white; it is entirely possible to love someone deeply while simultaneously coveting an opportunity they possess, or even being shaken by the sense of deficiency it creates.
The first step in dealing with this emotion is to read it as a “human signal” rather than viewing it as a “moral defect.” The moment the mind feels envy, it is actually delivering this message: “There is something there that is also valuable to you, that you desire, but have not yet reached.” When properly analyzed, envy is a mirror held up to one’s potential, suppressed desires, and the aspects of life that remain incomplete.
When we notice that momentary pang settling in our chest upon another’s success, asking the following question requires courage instead of self-judgment: “What did this success remind me about my own life?” The answer is usually not about the other party, but entirely about our own unfinished processes. Our friend’s success has simply reminded us of where we stand.
In conclusion, the fear of remaining in our own shadow while witnessing another’s light is profoundly human. The issue is not to eliminate this feeling entirely—which is neurologically and evolutionarily hardly possible—but to prevent it from poisoning us and eroding our relationships. Accepting that one-second micro-pang we feel while rejoicing in someone’s success means embracing the contradictory nature of being human. A mind focused on lighting its own lamp will not remain in darkness due to the shine of another.
EDUCATOR-AUTHOR
ŞÜKRAN BAŞAK CEYHAN
Kaynakça
- REFERENCE
- Festinger, L. (1954). A theory of social comparison processes. Human Relations, 7(2), 117-140.
- Klein, M. (1957). Envy and Gratitude: A Study of Unconscious Sources. Basic Books.
- Takahashi, H., Kato, M., Matsuura, M., Mobbs, D., Suhara, T., & Okubo, Y. (2009). When your gain is my pain and your pain is my gain: Neural correlates of envy and schadenfreude. Science, 323(5916), 937-939.
- Tesser, A. (1988). Toward a self-evaluation maintenance model of social behavior. Advances in Experimental Social Psychology, 21, 181-227.