When do you feel most alive? In which moments do you realize that you are actually directing your own life? Sometimes, instead of feeling like we are fully living our lives, we may feel like an observer watching from the outside. One day follows another, decisions remain small, and some paths seem to reach their end on their own.
Meanwhile, we often simply adapt. We wait, postpone, or say, “let it stay like this for now.” We seem to wait for an external force to push us into making a choice. This situation may not always feel uncomfortable; in fact, it can even feel safe. Because making a choice means preferring one path and giving up all other possibilities.
The Illusion Of Safety In Non-Decision
For this reason, sometimes not choosing, or feeling as if we are not choosing, feels easier. As long as we do not decide, we feel as if we are not making mistakes. However, we need to recognize that even this is a choice. As life continues, we leave ourselves in a state of uncertainty. In fact, this is the result of choosing not to take action. Even in moments when we think we are not acting, we are choosing to remain one step behind in our own lives.
So why does making a choice feel so difficult? Although it may appear as indecisiveness from the outside, it is actually a tendency to avoid the burden that comes with choosing. Choosing one option means giving up all other possibilities. This creates not only a sense of loss but also the possibility of making mistakes and experiencing regret.
At this point, the mind searches for a way to protect itself. In the short term, postponing a decision or completely avoiding it feels safer. Because as long as the mind does not make a decision, it does not perceive itself as having made a mistake. However, this sense of safety does not remain in the long term. The sense of control a person believes they have over their own life gradually weakens, and they begin to feel less like an active agent in their own existence.
The Paradox Of Control and Perceived Agency
Psychology explains this situation through concepts such as perceived control and decision avoidance. As a person refrains from making choices in order to protect themselves from possible outcomes, they begin to feel less influence over their own life. Over time, this can evolve into thoughts such as “I can’t change anything anyway” or “this didn’t happen because of me, it just happened.” In doing so, the person traps themselves in a paradox: while trying not to lose control by avoiding decisions, they fail to realize that they are actually losing control in the process.
This situation is often not limited to major, life-changing decisions, but rather appears in quieter, less noticeable ways in everyday life. Saying “it’s not the right time” instead of expressing something that bothers us at work, avoiding a conversation in a relationship even when we feel emotionally distant, and many other “silent” choices are different forms of avoidance. In such moments, there are always seemingly valid reasons: “It’s not the right time,” “Maybe it will be better if I wait,” “Perhaps things will improve over time.” Through these thoughts, instead of making a decision, we wait for the decision to form on its own. Since this does not feel like an active choice, it often does not feel like something consciously done. On the contrary, it feels as if it was bound to happen this way and could not have been otherwise.
Responsibility and The Path To Active Living
From an outside perspective, this situation is often interpreted as “coping” or “adapting to circumstances.” Many individuals therefore describe themselves as “mature,” “patient,” or “adaptable.” However, what is actually happening is simply leaving life to unfold on its own. Because making a choice is not only about initiating change, but also about taking responsibility for the consequences of that change. Responsibility, in turn, brings uncertainty, risk, and the possibility of making mistakes.
As a result of all this, people tend to find it safer to remain within the options presented to them rather than actively shaping their lives. Over time, they move away from asking themselves what they truly want and instead begin to accept whatever comes their way as sufficient. At a certain point, life ceases to be a path shaped by choices and becomes a process that is merely observed from the outside.
At this stage, in order for a person to take a more active role in their own life, it becomes important to take small and conscious steps. Instead of drifting aimlessly in the sea of life, recognizing one’s own desires, reviewing postponed decisions, and consciously acknowledging even small acts of taking responsibility in choices can be the first steps in this process. Taking responsibility can often feel challenging, no matter where we are in life. However, accepting the outcomes that come with responsibility allows a person to feel their influence over their own life once again. When we learn that there are no purely “good” or “bad” decisions, and that we can embrace their outcomes as we embrace ourselves, we begin to feel present in our own lives.
Among all of this, what truly matters is not making the right choices or achieving perfect outcomes. What matters is having the courage to make choices and seeing oneself as worthy of doing so. A person does not build their life through flawless decisions, but by embracing the responsibility and consequences of those decisions.
References
Kahneman, D. (2011). Thinking, Fast and Slow. New York: Farrar, Straus and Giroux.
Schwartz, B. (2004). The Paradox of Choice: Why More Is Less. New York: HarperCollins.
Seligman, M. (1975). Helplessness: On Depression, Development, and Death. San Francisco: Freeman.
Rotter, J. (1966). Generalized expectancies for internal versus external control of reinforcement. Psychological Monographs, 80(1), 1–28.
Baumeister, R., & Vohs, K. (2007). Self-regulation, ego depletion, and motivation. Social and Personality Psychology Compass, 1(1), 115–128.
Iyengar, S., & Lepper, M. (2000). When choice is demotivating. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 79(6), 995–1006.