Many children sacrifice their true selves, desires, and even dreams just to earn love and approval from their parents. Especially in success-oriented societies like Turkey, children grow up believing that being a “good child” is measured by grades, career choices, or social status. This leads them to encounter the concept of conditional love at an early age.
When love is given as a reward, the child internalizes the message:
“I am loved not for who I am, but for what I achieve.”
Conditional Acceptance and Identity Development
According to Carl Rogers (1961), the development of a healthy sense of self depends on unconditional positive regard. However, many parents unintentionally hinder this process by tying their affection to the child’s behavior.
When a child fails to meet parental expectations, the fear of rejection or disappointment leads them to suppress their authentic self. Over time, this suppression lays the foundation for the formation of a false self (Winnicott, 1960).
The false self emerges when the child starts to embody not their own desires, but the version of themselves that their parents want to see.
In the Shadow of Family Ideals: Career Choices and the Pressure to Succeed
“I chose that department to make my parents happy,” or “They just want to be proud of me”—these are among the clearest reflections of conditional love.
According to Ryan and Deci’s (2000) Self-Determination Theory, psychological well-being depends on the fulfillment of three basic needs: autonomy, competence, and relatedness.
When families suppress these needs—for instance, by directing their child toward a career outside their interests—it leads to a loss of intrinsic motivation and reduced life satisfaction.
Such children often say, “I achieved what they wanted, but I’m not happy.” Because for them, success has stopped being a path to freedom—it has become a struggle not to lose love.
Ironically, they have never truly learned what success really means.
On the Edge of Love: The Need for Approval and Its Traces in Adulthood
Individuals who grow up with conditional love often become dependent on external validation in adulthood. They seek the approval they never received from their parents in romantic relationships, at work, or in social settings.
This can lead to people-pleasing behaviors, high anxiety levels, and low self-esteem (Assor, Roth & Deci, 2004).
In such cases, an internalized “parental voice” constantly whispers:
“Will this make them happy?”
Thus, even when individuals believe they are making independent choices, they are still trapped in the same childhood cycle of “earning love.”
Psychological Consequences: The Invisible Wound
The emotional burden of failing to please one’s family affects not only childhood but the entire life span.
Research shows that conditional parental regard is associated with depression, anxiety, and perfectionism in adulthood (Soenens et al., 2010).
Such individuals constantly ask themselves, “Am I good enough?”—avoiding risks or self-expression for fear of making mistakes.
This inner conflict eventually turns into emotional exhaustion and alienation from the self.
Conclusion: Love Has No Conditions
Parental love is the foundation of a child’s psychological security. However, when this love becomes conditional, children start striving to earn it—when in fact, love is not something to be earned, but something to be given freely.
Parents should see their children not as extensions meant to fulfill their own unmet dreams, but as independent individuals capable of realizing their unique potential.
No achievement can ever replace a child’s need to feel loved.
The ultimate truth parents must remember is this:
“Success lies not in meeting expectations, but in having the courage to carve your own path.”
References
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Assor, A., Roth, G., & Deci, E. L. (2004). The Emotional Costs of Parents’ Conditional Regard: A Self-Determination Theory Analysis. Journal of Personality, 72(1), 47–88.
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Rogers, C. (1961). On Becoming a Person. Houghton Mifflin.
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Ryan, R. M., & Deci, E. L. (2000). Self-Determination Theory and the Facilitation of Intrinsic Motivation, Social Development, and Well-Being. American Psychologist, 55(1), 68–78.
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Soenens, B., Vansteenkiste, M., Luyten, P., Duriez, B., & Goossens, L. (2010). Maladaptive Perfectionism as an Intervening Variable between Parental Psychological Control and Adolescent Depressive Symptoms. Journal of Family Psychology, 24(3), 358–365.
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Winnicott, D. W. (1960). Ego Distortion in Terms of True and False Self.