Anger is an emotion that can be felt at both ends of a spectrum. At one end, it can be quietly suppressed; at the other, it can be expressed explosively. However, anger is not a destructive emotion solely because of the way it is expressed. What truly matters is that anger serves as a powerful signal telling us that something is not going well.
This signal often indicates unmet needs or violated boundaries that necessitate change. Before initiating such a change, it is important to ask ourselves: What actually makes me angry? Developing emotional awareness around this question forms the foundation of effective anger management.
What Actually Makes Me Angry?
The reason for asking ourselves this question is not because feeling anger is abnormal, but because understanding its real source allows us to change it. Instead of viewing anger as merely an emotion, focusing on its true origins and questioning what the underlying problem is can help manage it.
Moreover, identifying the root cause of our anger is crucial for determining what needs to change and how to effect that change. This often reminds us of our neglected boundaries, needs, and values. Therefore, understanding the real cause of our anger leads to healthier outcomes both for ourselves and for our relationships.
Although the destructive side of anger is frequently emphasized, anger also has a constructive side. For this reason, anger is not merely a threat. On the contrary, it is an opportunity to identify and develop aspects of ourselves that need improvement. Recognizing the underlying reasons for anger turns it from being just a reaction to a situation or a person into an inner guide for emotional awareness and transformation.
Is It Possible to Break the Cycle of Anger?
Suppressing anger or expressing it uncontrollably does not solve the problem that provokes it. Although expressing anger through unproductive methods may provide temporary relief, suppressing it and remaining silent do not lead to change. Change begins with ourselves.
In fact, true change occurs not by trying to change the other person but by altering our own steps. The first step is often to notice the issues in our own reactions and try a different behavioral pattern. Therefore, instead of expressing anger through ineffective methods, it is much more effective to change the behavioral patterns at the root of the problem and to develop new ways of responding.
Taking such new steps paves the way for expressing anger in a healthy manner and for transforming the relationships damaged by anger.
Deciding to implement new steps while managing our anger can be challenging. The underlying issue that angers us also exerts pressure on us to continue with old methods. Resisting this pressure is difficult, and setbacks are possible. However, along with wanting change, we can learn to manage our feelings of guilt and anxiety.
Consider this example: When we continuously respond to a family member’s anger-provoking behavior by shouting, that person will not change their behavior. As long as we do not change our own pattern of shouting, both sides will continue to feel the same discomfort.
By changing our own actions, we can step out of this discomfort. This action might be, for example, choosing not to stay in the same environment. Despite the pressure from the other side to continue our old behaviors, carrying out the act of change makes it possible to break the anger cycle. This, in turn, creates space for a new and healthier form of communication in the relationship.
How Can We Break Out of the Anger Cycle?
Expressing anger in unhealthy ways does not usually reduce the likelihood of similar situations occurring again. In relationships, anger is often the result of repetitive steps and is part of a cycle. You may recall experiencing the same argument cycle repeatedly within a relationship.
In such arguments, where people express their anger in the same way, the outcome rarely changes. The way to break this cycle is not by trying to change the other person but by changing our own steps. Instead of shouting or suppressing our feelings, expressing them openly and calmly, clearly defining our boundaries, and stating our needs without placing responsibility on the other person can be our new steps.
This not only transforms anger from a destructive or explosive force but also opens the door to healthy communication and more genuine change in our relationships.
Conclusion
Anger is, in fact, a valuable signal pointing to a problem that disturbs us. By recognizing the real cause of this issue, we can understand in which areas we need to make changes.
In this way, anger management ceases to be about suppression and becomes a process of awareness and transformation. Anger thus becomes a powerful guide directing us toward more emotionally aware choices, healthy communication, and more balanced relationships.
References
Lerner, H. (1999). The Dance of Anger (S. Gül, Trans.). Varlık Yayınları. (Original work published in 1985)