“S/He’s too young to understand.”
Perhaps the most misleading phrase we can say about a grieving child. Research shows that child grief is as real and profound as in adults, but it often looks different (Dyregrov, 2008). A child’s grief is shaped by age, developmental stage, personality, and the level of emotional support they receive.
How Children Understand Death
Jean Piaget’s cognitive development theory and Maria Nagy’s (1948) studies on children’s perception of death reveal that understanding evolves with age:
-
Ages 3–5: Death may be seen as temporary or reversible. Phrases like “went to sleep” can reinforce the false belief that the person will return.
-
Ages 6–9: Children begin to grasp the permanence of death but may still believe it was caused by their actions (“Was it because I was bad? Did I do something wrong? Is it my fault?”).
-
Age 10 and above: Death is understood as a biological end, and grief responses resemble those of adults.
These developmental understanding differences make age-appropriate language and explanations essential when talking to children about loss.
The Hidden Face of Childhood Grief
Children don’t/can’t always verbalize their grief. Some express it through play, drawings, or changes in behavior (Webb, 2010).
Common reactions include:
-
Regression: Returning to earlier behaviors such as bedwetting or thumb-sucking,
-
Behavioral changes: Irritability, withdrawal, decline in school performance,
-
Separation anxiety: Reluctance to be away from caregivers,
-
Repetitive play: Using stories or figures in play that symbolize the loss constantly.
These reactions are a natural part of the grieving process and often diminish with time and consistent emotional support.
What Children Need
John W. Worden (1996) identified four key tasks of mourning for children:
-
Accepting the reality of the loss,
-
Experiencing the pain of grief,
-
Adjusting to life without the deceased,
-
Maintaining a healthy, ongoing connection to the person’s memory.
To support these tasks, children benefit from:
-
Honesty: Clear, age-appropriate explanations such as “Grandpa died because he was very sick.”
-
Emotional expression spaces: Play therapy, art, and storytelling
-
Routines: Stability provides a sense of safety and predictability
-
Role models: Adults who share their emotions in a healthy way show that grief is a normal process
The Role of Adults
-
Avoid euphemisms that may confuse or frighten (“went to sleep” can create fear of sleeping).
-
Listen without rushing to fix or minimize feelings.
-
Validate emotions (“I see you’re feeling sad”) rather than dismissing them.
-
Remember that grief comes in waves. A child who seems “fine” one day may feel deep sadness the next.
Conclusion
Child grief is just as real as in adulthood; the difference lies in how it is expressed. Helping children understand their loss, recognize their feelings, and find healthy ways to cope shapes not only their immediate well-being but also their long-term resilience. Every grieving child deserves a safe heart to hold the memory and a caring adult to walk beside them without judgment.
References
-
Dyregrov, A. (2008). Grief in Children: A Handbook for Adults. London: Jessica Kingsley Publishers.
-
Nagy, M. (1948). The Child’s Theories Concerning Death. Journal of Genetic Psychology, 73(1), 3–27.
-
Webb, N. B. (2010). Helping Bereaved Children: A Handbook for Practitioners. Guilford Press.
-
Worden, J. W. (1996). Children and Grief: When a Parent Dies. Guilford Press.
-
Silverman, P. R. (2000). Never Too Young to Know: Death in Children’s Lives. Oxford University Press.