According to psychology, love is a state that emerges from the interaction between biological drives and emotional bonds. At a neurobiological level, intense feelings of pleasure, intimacy, and bonding are formed through the effects of chemicals such as dopamine, oxytocin, and serotonin. However, beyond this chemical makeup, love is like a complex labyrinth—with an uncertain outcome—where an individual reshapes their self-perception, past experiences, and attachment styles, redefining their self-boundaries every single day.
Love often manifests as a space where one experiences their desires, needs, and emotional expectations at their peak. Yet, this intensity does not always point to a healthy attachment. Today, love is frequently defined by expressions like “I can’t function without them” or “I can’t live without them.” At first glance, these statements may be perceived as indicators of strong love and deep devotion. But here, we must ask: Is this passion, or is it captivity?
From a psychological perspective, such expressions represent a risky definition where the individual surrenders their life satisfaction and self-worth entirely to another person.
Two Separate Worlds Or A Single Shadow?
Distinguishing between the concepts of attachment (commitment) and addiction (dependency) is the sole foundation of a healthy life. Although these two terms are often used interchangeably in society, there is a vital difference between them.
Attachment is a form of communication where two separate individuals maintain their sense of self while respecting each other’s freedom. In this dynamic, two minds and two hearts are in mutual interaction. Individuals may need each other, but this need does not turn into an existential necessity like breathing.
Love addiction, by contrast, involves seeing the partner’s love as an “intensive care unit.” For the addicted individual, the relationship becomes the sole center of life, while other roles (work, friendships, personal growth) gradually fade away. The partner’s approval is no longer a preference but the single most important factor determining the individual’s self-worth. This leads the person to feel inadequate, incomplete, or even like a “nobody” outside the relationship, endangering their future.
Echoes Of Childhood: Attachment Styles
No addiction is accidental. According to John Bowlby’s Attachment Theory, the initial contact established with a caregiver during childhood draws the blueprint for our adult romances, friendships, and environmental interactions.
If our needs were met inconsistently as children, we might cling tightly to our partners in adulthood with an anxious attachment style, wanting to be the only person in their life. The desire to control the partner’s every moment or the inability to tolerate being apart for even a second are results of these childhood echoes. Here, the individual is not searching for their partner, but rather seeking—and longing to find—that secure base from their childhood.
“Healthy relationships are like the two pillars of a temple. They support the same roof (the relationship), but they do not stand fused together.”
Dependent relationships, however, are like two playing cards leaning against each other; if one is pulled away, the other inevitably collapses. The addicted person perceives the partner’s interest in other hobbies as rejection and tries to assert their presence by maintaining constant contact. Over time, they extinguish their own light and try to be illuminated by their partner’s light, completely colonizing the partner and seeing the partner’s success as their own.
In reality, love is not about negating oneself; on the contrary, it is the courage and choice to remain oneself. In a healthy relationship, two people do not become “one body”; they walk side by side as two whole individuals, resisting life’s challenges together.
Preserving The Inner Voice
The fundamental condition for healthy attachment is the individual’s ability to protect their own goals, values, and inner voice. Idealizing a partner as a flawless masterpiece or sacrificing one’s entire personality for them is not self-sacrifice—it is self-destruction and the negation of one’s own potential. It must be remembered that the person before us is also a human being who makes mistakes, learns, and has flaws just like we do.
Every relationship maintained by suppressing one’s inner voice eventually damages the individual’s self-perception. The result is an inevitable void, intense anxiety, and regret. Losing one’s own light leads to a tendency to cling to the lives of others.
True love, however, should be an experience that empowers the individual, expands their being, and increases their life skills.
Sometimes, to rebuild one’s self, a guide—psychological support—is needed. This support helps the individual recognize their boundaries and learn to say “I,” thereby building a stronger “We.”
Healthy love is not addiction; it is an honorable attachment that preserves mutual respect, balance, and individual integrity. An individual who protects their own light illuminates both themselves and their relationship. After all, love is not about losing oneself in another, but about finding the best version of oneself in the presence of another and realizing one’s own ideals while looking at life through the lens of “us.”
References
Bowlby, J. (2012). A Secure Base. (Trans. S. Akçetin). Istanbul: Metis Publications.
Fisher, H. (2018). Why We Love. (Trans. M. Özkan). Istanbul: Varlık Publications.
Fromm, E. (2017). The Art of Loving. (Trans. I. Gürbüz). Istanbul: Say Publications.
Levine, A., & Heller, R. (2018). Attached. (Trans. E. Arıkan). Istanbul: Aganta Books.