When we think of children, we think of play and laughter. However, children learn not only joy but also stress. Many parents think that children are not “old enough” to remember the events they experience. But even if children cannot express what they have experienced in words, their bodies record it. When a child’s language is not spoken, the body begins to speak: headaches, stomachaches, sleep problems… The primary concern for a child’s brain in the early years is not happiness, but the answer to the question, “Am I safe?” A child who feels safe explores the world, plays, and learns. When that sense of security is shaken, the brain sounds the alarm and the stress system kicks in.
Development
Imagine this situation: The child’s brain is an orchestra. The sections that control the body, the sections that control emotions, and the sections that control thinking all work together. But when stress occurs, the conductor leaves the stage, and all the instruments start playing at once. There is noise, but no meaning. The child signals with their behavior or body to escape this chaos. This signal is sometimes a tantrum, sometimes silence, sometimes the phrase “I don’t want to go to school”… Sometimes it’s just a stomachache without saying anything. Therefore, many of the behaviors we see are not “spoiled behavior,” but the capacity of the nervous system. If a child cannot put their feelings into words, their body speaks:
We often encounter a situation in therapy: “We took them to the doctor, all the tests came back normal, but the complaints continue.” If there is no physical cause, the body may still be trying to speak. Because when children cannot identify their feelings, those feelings try to escape through the body. A child once said to me during a session: “If I talk, my mom will be sad, so my stomach hurts.” This sentence teaches us that children grow up by feeling, not by thinking.
We know that in family environments with high stress, the child’s brain switches from “learning” to “survival” mode. Therefore, a child under stress cannot concentrate, struggles with homework, and may exhibit sudden and uncontrolled behavior.
Prolonged stress tires the hippocampus, which is responsible for learning and memory. This is why a child may experience forgetfulness, lack of attention, or disinterest in class. In fact, this is not reluctance, but the brain allocating its energy to “protecting itself from danger.” With chronic stress, cortisol levels remain high for a long time, making the brain’s development more fragile. Over time, this imbalance can manifest itself in some children as anxiety disorders, symptoms of attention deficit, major depression, or dissociative reactions. Therefore, emotional support is not only a psychological need but also a form of biological protection. This is because when a child feels secure, their brain can switch back into learning mode.
What Can Parents Do?
Parents often think that talking is the solution. However, what the child needs is not words, but a sense of security. The more tense the parent is, the more difficult it is for the child. When the parent calms down, the child begins to model their nervous system.
So children learn emotional regulation not from words, but from their parents’ nervous system. A calm and regulated parent creates a calm and regulated child. One simple nervous system calming technique that can be used at home is the “3-2-1 calm-down step”: You ask them to see three things, listen to two sounds, and take one deep breath. This shuts down the amygdala’s alarm and reactivates the prefrontal cortex, bringing the brain out of panic mode and back to the present.
Another effective way to reduce a child’s stress is to “name their emotion.” Even a simple sentence builds a safe bridge for the brain: “I see you’re scared, I’m here.” At that moment, the child learns that they don’t have to control their emotion and that they are not alone.
Parental support consists of small but repetitive routines established in daily life. This is because the child’s brain loves predictability. Routines send the message “everything is fine” to the nervous system. Even a simple plan in daily life makes a difference: reminders made in advance, such as “We’ll stop playing in five minutes and go to dinner,” ensure smoother transitions. Creating an emotion dictionary or a chart of facial expressions at home to help identify feelings makes it easier for children to recognize their own emotions. Maintaining screen time and sleep schedules is also an important part of this cycle, as overstimulation can re-trigger the stress system.
Additionally, simple collaboration with the teacher—such as planning short breathing breaks or movement intervals in class—gives the child’s nervous system a breather and extends their attention span. Furthermore, simple collaboration with the teacher—such as planning short breathing breaks or movement intervals in class—gives the child’s nervous system a chance to breathe and extends their attention span.
All these small practices send the message “the danger has passed, you are safe” to the child’s brain. And often, there is no stronger healing for a brain than this.
References
American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed.). American Psychiatric Publishing. Gunnar, M. R., & Quevedo, K. M. (2007). The neurobiology of stress and development. Annual Review of Psychology, 58, 145–173. Lupien, S. J., McEwen, B. S., Gunnar, M. R., & Heim, C. (2009). Effects of stress throughout the lifespan on the brain, behavior, and cognition. Nature Reviews Neuroscience, 10(6), 434–445. McEwen, B. S., & Morrison, J. H. (2013). The brain on stress: Vulnerability and plasticity of the prefrontal cortex over the life course. Neuron, 79(1), 16–29. National Scientific Council on the Developing Child. (2014). Excessive stress disrupts the architecture of the developing brain (Working Paper No. 3, Updated Edition). Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University. Perry, B. D., & Pollard, R. A. (1998). Homeostasis, stress, trauma, and adaptation: A neurodevelopmental view of childhood trauma. Child and Adolescent Psychiatric Clinics of North America, 7(1), 33–51. Shonkoff, J. P., Boyce, W. T., & McEwen, B. S. (2009). Neuroscience, molecular biology, and the childhood roots of health disparities. JAMA, 301(21), 2252–2259. Siegel, D. J. (2012). The developing mind: How relationships and the brain interact to shape who we are (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.