There are certain emotions we are rarely willing to experience voluntarily. Welcoming feelings such as fear, anger, anxiety, or disappointment often feels like a burden. Moreover, some unpleasant emotions refuse to be short-term guests; they insist on staying and never seem to leave. When this happens, we sometimes find the only solution is not to open the door at all. They knock — and we pretend we are not home.
When we refuse to let fear, anger, or sadness in, we unconsciously build an invisible wall called resistance. This wall, which we believe protects us, often amplifies the very pain it seeks to contain. Psychologist Dr. Chris Germer describes this process aptly:
“When we resist something, it goes into the basement and starts lifting weights.”
The brain stores every unresolved emotion like an open file. Even when we believe we have closed it, our mind keeps working on it in the background. From a neuroscientific perspective, this state of resistance keeps the amygdala — the brain’s emotional memory center — constantly active; the body remains on alert even when the danger has passed.
This alarm is not only about survival but also about avoiding feelings. Resistance, therefore, does not soothe pain — it renders it more visible. Ultimately, the mind seeks a safe space where it can once again encounter its pain.
The Tragedy Paradox
Paradoxically, we sometimes invite painful emotions ourselves. We repeatedly listen to sad songs, paying attention to every note, willingly immersing ourselves in melodies that ache. Approaching emotions we tend to avoid might seem contradictory — but the human mind thrives on contradictions.
Many people report enjoying sad music and even feeling happier afterward. Despite our efforts to avoid pain and suffering, these emotions can, in certain contexts, feel strangely pleasant (Morreall, 1968). Here arises one of the most intriguing contradictions in human behavior: the tragedy paradox — our ability to derive pleasure from art that evokes sorrow, loss, or despair.
Behind this paradox lies a complex web of psychological mechanisms, and our conflicted relationship with music is one of their most vivid reflections.
Biochemical Perspective
Listening to sad music has been linked to the release of hormones such as oxytocin and prolactin. Oxytocin, known for its role in social bonding and empathy, fosters emotional closeness and strengthens a sense of trust. Prolactin, secreted during grief and tears, has a soothing effect that reduces feelings of loneliness.
These biochemical responses may explain the “sweet relief” people often report after listening to sad music (Huron, 2011; Chanda & Levitin, 2013). The emotional pain evoked by music becomes softened through the body’s own chemistry, transforming suffering into connection.
Emotional Regulation Through Music
Music is perhaps the most delicate pathway to the deepest layers of emotion. Lyrics and melodies collaborate to gently touch suppressed or avoided feelings. This contact transforms individual experience into a shared emotional space; one feels seen and heard.
Music achieves this with remarkable subtlety — it negotiates with our resistance and temporarily suspends our defenses.
When faced with real-life pain, the brain’s stress and defense systems activate. Yet, the sorrow experienced through music rarely triggers this alarm. Thus, individuals can engage with their emotions from a safe distance, finding the courage to observe and regulate rather than repress them.
This process can be viewed as a form of emotional training — a rehearsal of regulation. Music, by influencing the connection between the orbitofrontal cortex and the amygdala, facilitates emotional processing (Koelsch, 2014; Vuoskoski & Eerola, 2017).
In other words, sad music offers an emotional sandbox — a safe environment in which we practice vulnerability without danger.
Existential Reflection: Meaning Through Melancholy
To understand human behavior, we need both scientific explanations and philosophical depth. Beyond the question “Why do we feel this way?” lies another equally important one: “What do these feelings reveal to us?”
Listening to sad music is not merely an act of emotional soothing; it is a way of creating meaning. Music bears witness to one’s search for significance and offers a space in which pain can be transformed.
Suffering ceases to be a chaotic burden — it becomes a source of insight, a doorway to self-understanding. Through this process, one learns to confront the existential tension of being human.
According to Kierkegaard, pain is not a flaw but the cost of existence itself. Human essence, he argued, is continuously shaped amid fear, anxiety, and choice. To face pain, then, is to move closer to one’s authentic self.
Perhaps the most transparent articulation of this inner struggle comes from Sylvia Plath’s words:
“I want to taste and enjoy each day; never fearing pain, never withdrawing into a shell of numbness, never ceasing to question and to wonder. To learn and to think; to think and to live; to live and to learn—always, forever—with new insights, new understandings, and new love.”
On an unconscious level, humans are always searching for meaning within their own existence. Music facilitates this search, helping us reconnect with our subjective reality. It gives voice to the emotions we’ve sent to the basement and shape to the pain that could not find expression.
This contact softens the walls of resistance and brings us closer to our truth. Because sometimes, it is while passing through pain that we remember — most nakedly — who we truly are.
References
Chanda, M. L., & Levitin, D. J. (2013). The neurochemistry of music. Trends in Cognitive Sciences, 17(4), 179–193. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.tics.2013.02.007
Huron, D. (2011). Why is sad music pleasurable? A possible role for prolactin. Musicae Scientiae, 15(2), 146–158. https://doi.org/10.1177/1029864911401171
Koelsch, S. (2014). Brain correlates of music-evoked emotions. Nature Reviews Neuroscience, 15(3), 170–180. https://doi.org/10.1038/nrn3666
Morreall, J. (1968). Aristotle and the paradox of tragedy. The Angle, 1968(1), Inside Cover.
Vuoskoski, J. K., & Eerola, T. (2017). The pleasure evoked by sad music is mediated by feelings of being moved. Frontiers in Psychology, 8, 439. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2017.00439