Romantic relationships are among the most powerful emotional experiences in human life. However, these relationships can also turn into processes in which personal boundaries become blurred, individual needs are pushed aside, and the person loses themselves. In modern psychology, this situation is defined as emotional dependency or codependency. In such relationships, a person ties their own worth to their partner’s love and approval; this can lead to intense anxiety, jealousy, and a need for control.
Stoic philosophy, on the other hand, argues that human happiness should be based not on external conditions but on one’s own character and virtues. In this article, I will discuss how Seneca’s ideas on mental autonomy, the variability of external conditions, and emotional dependency presented in Moral Letters can shed light on the problem of codependency in modern relationships.
Control And Disappointments In Relationships
According to Stoic thought, a significant part of suffering comes from trying to control things that are not within our control. Many disappointments in relationships also arise from crossing this boundary. As a person tries to control their partner’s emotions or behaviors, they may experience more anxiety, jealousy, and insecurity.
For Seneca, wisdom lies in accepting what we cannot change. In a relationship, our partner’s thoughts and feelings are part of nature; they are not our property. Trying to control them means going against nature, and this causes pain. The Stoic perspective suggests that instead of trying to control the partner, one should focus on their own character and actions. This acceptance reduces anxiety in relationships and helps establish a more balanced bond.
True Joy And Self-Sufficiency
According to Seneca, true joy does not come from external pleasures but from a virtuous character. In modern relationships, however, happiness is often measured by a partner’s attention, gifts, or compliments. If a person’s happiness depends entirely on someone else, this emotion becomes fragile and can easily disappear.
Research in psychology also supports this idea. According to self-determination theory, psychological well-being depends on the balanced satisfaction of the needs for autonomy, competence, and relatedness (Deci & Ryan, 2000). This shows that a healthy relationship is one in which individuals can maintain their own identity and autonomy.
From a Stoic perspective, true joy comes from the relationship one builds with oneself. A person who has not learned to love themselves and recognize their own worth cannot love another in a healthy way. In such cases, the relationship turns into an attempt to fill inner voids rather than an exchange of love.
In a healthy relationship, partners are not people who complete each other’s deficiencies; they are individuals walking their own paths. Two people who know what they want from life may notice the similarity of their paths and choose to walk together. In such a relationship, the partner is not a savior who solves every problem, but a companion on the journey.
Philosophy And Relationship Management
Seneca describes philosophy as a rudder that steers a ship through stormy seas. Conflicts, breakups, and disappointments in relationships can also be compared to these stormy seas. In such moments, emotions may overpower thoughts, and a person may sacrifice their own values out of fear of abandonment.
Stoic philosophy offers guidance at this point. It helps individuals make more rational and balanced decisions while protecting their own values and boundaries. A person who develops a philosophical perspective does not make the relationship the center of their life, but sees it as a valuable, yet not the only defining, part of it. In this way, one can stay in a relationship without losing their own direction.
Seneca’s Moral Letters offer an important guide for modern romantic relationships. Much of the pain experienced in relationships comes from focusing on things we cannot control. When we base our happiness solely on our partner’s behavior, we lose our mental autonomy and drift into codependent dynamics.
The Stoic approach reminds us that true happiness comes from one’s own character and values. When we see philosophy as the rudder of life, we can love without losing ourselves, even in the stormy moments of relationships. In this way, we can remain loyal to ourselves while also building healthier, more balanced, and longer-lasting relationships.
This perspective allows us to see romantic relationships not as a means of “completion,” but as the meeting of two whole individuals. Stoic thought reminds us that love is not self-destruction in the name of sacrifice, but the sharing of a virtuous life. For this reason, individuals who can protect themselves and live in harmony with their own values can form relationships that are both freer and deeper.
References
Deci, E. L., & Ryan, R. M. (2000). The “what” and “why” of goal pursuits: Human needs and the self-determination of behavior. Psychological Inquiry, 11(4), 227–268.
Seneca. (2007). Letters From A Stoic. Penguin Classics.