How to Raise a Narcissist?

This article explores why narcissistic people become the way they are, tracing their psychological roots from early childhood to adulthood. In psychology, narcissism is not mere arrogance or vanity; it emerges from early developmental disruptions in emotional mirroring, attachment, and validation.

The “Mirror” Function in Early Childhood

A baby first perceives the world through the eyes of their primary caregiver. The caregiver’s emotional responses form the foundation of the child’s sense of self.

However, sometimes the parent’s gaze is not on the child, but on their potential — on what the child could be.

“You are special. You are better than others.”

These words may sound nurturing, but when taken to extremes, they convey a dangerous message:
“You are lovable only when you are exceptional.”

According to psychoanalyst Heinz Kohut (1977), this marks a disruption in the mirror function — the ability of the caregiver to reflect the child’s authentic emotional state. The child learns to derive self-worth not from internal feelings but from external validation.

Over time, excessive praise, idealization, and conditional love erode the child’s contact with their real emotions. The child internalizes not their genuine self, but an idealized image — one that exists solely to gain approval. This becomes the psychological foundation of the narcissistic personality.

Excessive Praise and Emotional Hunger

Research shows that parental overvaluation is a key factor in the development of narcissistic traits.

In a longitudinal study, Brummelman et al. (2015) found that children of overly praising parents developed higher levels of narcissistic traits later in life. However, paradoxically, these same children exhibited low self-esteem.

This reveals an important paradox: narcissism does not stem from too much love, but from conditional love.

The child experiences two conflicting realities:
“I am extraordinary — but what if I’m not?”

Behind the façade of confidence lies a deep emotional hunger — a constant craving for validation to fill the emptiness of unacknowledged feelings.

Attachment Styles and Emotional Structure

Attachment theory offers a crucial lens to understand narcissistic development.

According to Cohen and Shaver (2004), narcissistic individuals often exhibit an avoidant attachment style. For them, emotional closeness feels threatening — it suggests vulnerability and the risk of rejection.

This attachment pattern likely originates from a childhood where the individual was emotionally unseen, even if materially provided for. As adults, they construct an image of being invincible and self-sufficient to mask their internal feelings of inadequacy.

Adolescence and the Search for Approval

Adolescence is a fragile phase of identity formation. It is the stage when the question “Who am I?” becomes central.

If a child has been valued only for external achievements, their sense of self becomes externally anchored:
“I am who others say I am.”

In today’s social media age, this pattern intensifies. Likes, followers, and attention function as dopamine-driven validation loops.

As Twenge and Campbell (2009) describe, this dynamic has evolved into an “approval economy” — a marketplace where self-worth is measured by external metrics rather than inner stability.

Narcissistic Dynamics in Adulthood

The adult narcissist often appears charismatic and confident. They lead, command, and attract admiration easily.

Yet, as relationships deepen, their mask begins to slip. Criticism, indifference, or emotional intimacy are perceived as threats, awakening their buried insecurities.

Otto Kernberg (1975) calls this the threat to self-integrity — when external feedback challenges their fragile self-image. Even mild disapproval may provoke anger, withdrawal, or contempt, because the narcissist perceives it as an attack on identity.

Can a Narcissist Change?

Yes — but the transformation begins with awareness and empathy.

Parental and relational attitudes play a critical role in preventing and healing narcissistic tendencies:

• Unconditional love helps children feel valued for who they are, not what they achieve.

• Empathetic relationships teach healthy emotional reciprocity.

• Realistic feedback encourages authenticity over perfection.

• Boundaries and responsibility help integrate humility with confidence.

In therapy, empathic mirroring replaces early emotional neglect. The goal is not to eliminate self-focus but to reconnect the individual with their authentic emotional world.

Conclusion

A narcissist is often the unseen child — emotionally neglected but behaviorally overvalued.

Narcissism is not destiny. Through therapeutic empathy and self-awareness, individuals can reconnect with their true selves, moving from conditional self-worth toward genuine self-acceptance.

Ultimately, “raising a narcissist” is the story of a child who learned a distorted form of love — one where being special replaced being seen.

References

• Brummelman, E., Thomaes, S., Nelemans, S. A., Orobio de Castro, B., Overbeek, G., & Bushman, B. J. (2015). Origins of narcissism in children. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, 112(12), 3659–3662.

• Cohen, D., & Shaver, P. R. (2004). Avoidant attachment and narcissistic self-structure. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 30(6), 921–935.

• Kernberg, O. F. (1975). Borderline Conditions and Pathological Narcissism. New York: Jason Aronson.

• Kohut, H. (1977). The Restoration of the Self. New York: International Universities Press.

• Twenge, J. M., & Campbell, W. K. (2009). The Narcissism Epidemic: Living in the Age of Entitlement. New York: Free Press.