We go through various phases within the seasons of life. From time to time, we need to look toward the horizon and decide on the steps we’ll take for the future. Finding new paths and setting out roadmaps for ourselves becomes essential. Yet, none of this is always easy. As the environment and circumstances change in unexpected ways, we sometimes don’t have positive expectations for the future.
The ADHD Diagnosis and a Sense of Horizonlessness
When I was diagnosed with ADHD and accepted treatment, I was overwhelmed by a deep sense of horizonlessness. While trying to organize my decisions under the main headings that guide my life, I was accompanied by a marked lack of excitement. This state was pulling down my usual active and energetic attitude, making it harder for me to cope with tasks and daily events.
In such times, daily life moves forward like a heap of tasks. The lack of excitement and the warmth of joy we no longer truly feel from the heart slow down our routines. We merely go through the motions, completing a pile of daily duties and leaving it at that. Our very state of being seems to have slipped through our fingers. Joy, pleasure, and enthusiasm have all but vanished from our lives. We call this state “horizonlessness.” That calming, soothing sea within us is now often turbulent, and the horizon is obscured. It becomes difficult to see into the distance—or to decide how far we want to go.
Emotional Turmoil and Questions of Identity
As I continued with my treatment, I found myself alone with many questions that began to surface within me. Looking back, there were countless unfinished projects and a trail of failure stories piling up behind me. Who was the real me? At the same time, I could also see the achievements that I loved, that brought me joy when I was focused—successes that set me apart from others. So who am I? Which of these seemingly opposite selves is truly me?
Where did I belong? What was I capable of, and what wasn’t I? My questions only thickened the fog in my mind, making it harder and harder to see the horizon. I was without direction, without a horizon. But how deep did this state go? How was this depth reflected in different areas of my life? I couldn’t see what was far ahead—or even what was close.
Visual and Mental Blurriness in Individuals with ADHD
When a person with ADHD experiences horizonlessness, it’s like someone suffering from both astigmatism and myopia at the same time—a person with impaired vision. No matter where they look or what situation they try to evaluate, they don’t feel enough clarity or sharpness. They are caught in a kind of isolation that turns inward. They struggle to connect with their own sense of self.
They can’t hear the answers to their own questions in their own inner voice. Often, they respond with hyperfocus to situations that don’t really warrant it, while the organization of everyday life falls apart. When the hyperfocus fades, they become aware of all that has slipped through their fingers. This sense of loss makes withdrawal easier, and the isolation deepens. Feelings of pain, hurt, anger, and rage blend together. The anger we direct at ourselves gradually grows.
Questions come one after another. How will I cope with my anger toward myself? How can I handle new events and situations in life without being overwhelmed by this sadness? How will I make new and right decisions? How will I maintain my distance from all these and the new challenges ahead?
ADHD and the New Self Brought by Medication
I still remember the shock I felt when I saw the version of myself that appeared while on medication compared to the one without it. I realized that, on top of the emotional turmoil I experienced before medication, there was now an added confusion brought on by this “new self” that came with taking the medication.
Life waits for none of us—it doesn’t stop, it flows on. The loss of loved ones we hold dear, daily tasks, our professional development, and the expectations of our family and surroundings never leave us alone. For a person with ADHD, the emotional and sensory sensitivity to everything that happens often leads to emotional turmoil. This emotional turmoil frequently accompanies our sense of being lost and horizonless. It is highly likely that emotional turmoil and mental confusion pile on top of life’s existing complexities.
Seeking a Solution: Knowledge or Ourselves?
We search for remedies; we want quick solutions. We seek out the closest source that will bring us relief, turning to books. I conducted extensive research and gathered a lot of common knowledge about ADHD, understanding its symptoms. Yet, I couldn’t find the “pill knowledge” or the “definite solution” that would answer the emotional turmoil and mental confusion I was experiencing. More than half of my questions remained unanswered. So, where is the answer?
Within myself.
Acceptance and Willpower: Towards New Horizons
As I write these lines now, I pause and take a deep breath. One more breath… and another. With each breath, I release the deep sense of aimlessness, horizonlessness, anxiety, and emotional turmoil that I remember. I gently remind myself with compassion: I suppose this is the nature of our existence. It’s nearly impossible to predict exactly what life will bring. Life is the sum of everything that happens to us. Taking on the responsibility of adulthood, I also accept the unexpected moments within life’s entire chaos. I also recall the times when, despite feeling lost, I found my direction.
Sometimes, a determined attitude and the anxious uncertainty that quietly stirs deep within can coexist side by side. When I accept all this, they can embrace one another. That’s how it is. I can quietly sense the presence of both states within myself and allow the feelings that surround me like rising waves to be there. Acceptance.
My horizonlessness serves to help me remember the willpower within me that is capable of making decisions. The growth of my awareness helped me to see the emotional turmoil I was living through. My acceptances have allowed me to reach the hidden treasure I had even kept from myself, helping me emerge from this chaos. The willpower that exists within all of us is our hidden strength that moves us into action. Choosing to use that will is like taking the helm of a ship. This way, we can set new courses and sail toward new horizons. Now, I can comfortably review the areas of my life that are under my own responsibility in order to move beyond this turmoil.
Future Steps: New Horizons with ADHD
In my next article, we will review the areas of life where, as adults, we can take responsibility and exercise willpower. In doing so, we will begin to clear the fog in the places where ADHD has left us horizonless. Instead of getting lost in the fog, we will focus on finding the tools that help develop our sense of direction. ADHD is a truth of our existence. When used wisely, its light can guide us. Who knows, ADHD might even be our lighthouse, making it possible to reach new horizons under its guidance.