The grieving process is one of the most significant experiences in human life. Perhaps the first thing that comes to mind when we hear the word grief is death, but grief is a much more complex process than death alone. The grieving process can emerge after breakups, traumatic situations, and many other forms of loss.
There are five stages of the grieving process: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. The order of these stages may vary, and not every stage may be experienced. However, going through the grieving process is important, however difficult it may be. This process symbolizes an ending for the brain. Every grief we do not fully experience tends to follow us throughout our lives.
For example, imagine you had a fight with a close friend in high school and ended the friendship, but you were busy preparing for the university entrance exam, so you never allowed yourself to grieve. What happens as a result? When you start university, you may find it difficult to make new friends because your brain is still holding onto the old attachment. Unprocessed grief does not disappear; it remains active in the background of our emotional world.
The Emergence Of The Concept Of Disenfranchised Grief
In the early 1980s, while Dr. Kenneth Doka was explaining how difficult the grief of losing a spouse can be during a lecture, one of his students, Maria, responded by saying that losing an ex-spouse can also be deeply painful. This statement caught his attention, and he asked her to elaborate.
Maria explained that her ex-husband had cheated on her. After their divorce, he was diagnosed with cancer and passed away shortly afterward. During this time, many relatives told her that she should not suffer or feel sad. Instead of mourning, she was told that she should be relieved or even happy. No one stood by her during her suffering.
Maria felt devastated because he was the person with whom she had spent fifteen years and raised her children. After hearing this story, Dr. Kenneth Doka began researching this topic and introduced the concept of disenfranchised grief.
This term describes losses that cannot be socially sanctioned, openly acknowledged, or publicly mourned. In short, it refers to the loss of the right to grieve.
Categories Of Disenfranchised Grief
There are five main categories of grief that are often denied public recognition.
1. Relationship Is Not Recognized
This category includes relationships that are not taken seriously by society. These may involve coworkers, close friends, ex-spouses, teachers, or lovers. Society often sends the implicit message: “Do not mourn anyone who is not family.”
In Maria’s case, the grief for a cheating ex-spouse was not socially validated. As a result of research in this area, it has also been observed that sibling loss is often minimized. When a child dies, parents are perceived as the primary mourners, and siblings may receive less support because society prioritizes the parents’ suffering.
2. Loss Is Not Acknowledged
This category includes situations that do not always involve death but still represent significant loss. Examples include miscarriage, abortion, infertility, divorce, pet loss, job loss, arrest, or the death of elderly or chronically ill individuals.
For instance, after the death of a severely ill child, people may say to the family, “He is free from suffering; do not be sad.” Similarly, someone who loses a pet might be given a new one as a replacement. Both responses invalidate the emotional reality of the loss.
3. The Griever Is Not Recognized
This includes individuals whose capacity to grieve is underestimated or ignored. People with developmental disorders, dementia, very young children, or elderly individuals may be excluded from the mourning process. Comments such as “He is just a child, do not tell him,” or “She has dementia; she will forget,” dismiss their emotional experience.
4. Disenfranchised Deaths
Some deaths are socially stigmatized. These include deaths of prisoners, suicides, or deaths resulting from addiction. The death of a murderer in prison or a young person who dies by suicide may not receive communal sympathy, leaving families isolated in their grief.
5. Ways Individuals Grieve
This category includes forms of mourning that do not align with cultural expectations. Grief is often associated with sadness and tears, but mourning does not always look the same. Some individuals become quiet and withdrawn; others may express anger or even moments of calm. Grief does not follow fixed norms.
Conclusion
Grief is part of the human experience. Every person experiences grief in some form, and every grief deserves recognition and respect. When grief is invalidated or silenced, it does not disappear; it becomes internalized and may resurface later in unexpected ways.
Acknowledging disenfranchised grief means recognizing that every loss carries meaning for the person who experiences it. The right to grieve is not determined by society; it belongs to the individual.