Existential Definitions Of Love
Love is one of the most intense and transformative experiences of the human condition. Yet, love cannot be reduced to a single definition. According to Erich Fromm, love is not a passive emotion but an action that can be learned, developed, and that entails responsibility. Fromm defines mature love as a union established by two individuals without losing their own integrity. In this perspective, love is not self-abandonment, but the ability to form a bond while preserving self-awareness.
For Fromm, love is not a spontaneous feeling that simply emerges; rather, it is a capacity related to the individual’s personality structure, level of maturity, and productive orientation. Therefore, although one may possess the desire to fall in love, not every individual has developed the genuine ability to love. The capacity to love requires taking responsibility, showing care, demonstrating respect, and recognizing the other as a separate individual. Relationships formed without these qualities often function not as love itself, but as attempts to compensate for emotional deficiencies, to alleviate an inner sense of emptiness, or to cope with loneliness. In other words, such relationships operate less as acts of loving and more as efforts to regulate emotional security needs and attachment patterns.
John Bowlby, on the other hand, approaches love within the framework of attachment theory. Romantic relationships represent the reenactment of attachment patterns formed in childhood during adulthood. The loved one becomes a “secure base” for the individual, while separation is experienced as a threat that activates the attachment system. For this reason, the loss of love is not only emotionally distressing but also deeply destabilizing at a physiological and nervous system level.
Love And Persona: The Co-Construction Of The Self
When we fall in love, we do not merely love someone; we construct a new self together with them. Jung’s concept of the “persona” provides an important framework for understanding this newly formed identity, shaped by the expectations and approval of the romantic partner. Over time, the individual may begin to define themselves not through “I” but through “we.” In the pursuit of being adequate or acceptable, one may suppress or deprioritize personal needs, leading to a blurring of individual boundaries.
When separation occurs, what collapses is not only the relationship itself but also the self-concept that existed within that relationship. Thus, the primary emotion experienced after a breakup is often not loneliness, but a loss of identity.
Love, Conditioning, And Identity Formation
Love creates powerful psychological conditioning. When we are loved, we feel valuable; when we are chosen, we feel sufficient. The partner becomes an external reference that validates self-worth. Particularly for individuals who experienced conditional love in childhood, romantic relationships may function as a space that fills this void. In such cases, one begins to tie their sense of worth to the existence of the relationship. However, what is lost here is not the individual’s essence, but a structure in which self-value is defined through the relationship.
Loss Of The Ideal Self And Feelings Of Inadequacy
Alongside the loved person, the individual feels closer to the version of themselves they aspire to become. Separation signifies the loss of this idealized self-construction as well. This loss is often internalized through the belief, “I was not enough.” Yet, what is truly lost is not the individual’s value, but the self-narrative that was imagined as possible within the relationship.
Separation And Mourning: A Process Beyond Life Losses
Mourning is not a process limited solely to death. As emphasized in Freud’s Mourning and Melancholia, the individual mourns not only the loved object but also the meanings, dreams, and expectations invested in that object. Separation represents the loss of an unlived future. Therefore, post-love mourning involves the loss of shared habits, daily rituals, and the imagined “what if we had continued.” The mind’s tendency to engage in rumination after separation is an indicator of unresolved grief.
Not Harming The Self Or The Other
Winnicott’s concept of the “capacity to be alone” is one of the cornerstones of healthy love. An individual who can be alone experiences the relationship not as a necessity, but as a choice. For those who cannot tolerate solitude, relationships may turn into an escape mechanism.
In this context, Irvin D. Yalom states in When Nietzsche Wept:
“In order for me to become ‘we,’ I must first be ‘I.’”
This statement reveals the fundamental condition of sustainable love. A healthy relationship is not one in which the individual loses their self-boundaries, but one in which contact with the self is preserved. The feeling of inadequacy that emerges after the loss of love often stems from damage to this self-connection. When no longer mirrored by another, the individual may begin to question their own worth. Yet happiness relies not on external validation, but on an internal sense of adequacy. Happiness is a state of being sufficient.
When this sense of sufficiency is reconstructed, mourning transforms into a transformative process. Post-love grief does not merely diminish the individual; it becomes a memory that reshapes them. As Engin Geçtan states, love finds its meaning not in idealized images, but in the courage to face reality:
“To love someone includes trying to understand their reality.”
In conclusion, love is a powerful form of attachment that transforms the individual; however, this transformation is healing only to the extent that one can maintain a relationship with oneself. The grief that remains after love ends, if not suppressed and if meaning is made of it, carries the individual toward a more integrated self. And perhaps ultimately, the sustainability of love begins precisely here: in the ability to first be “I.”
References
Freud, S. (2014). Mourning and Melancholia (S. Budak, Trans.). Istanbul: Metis Publishing.
Freud, S. (2012). Beyond the Pleasure Principle. Istanbul: Metis Publishing.
Kernberg, O. (2016). Love Relations: Normality and Pathology. Istanbul: Psychotherapy Institute Publications.
Bowlby, J. (2013). Attachment. Istanbul: Pinhan Publishing.
Bowlby, J. (2015). Separation: Anxiety and Anger. Istanbul: Pinhan Publishing.
Fromm, E. (2018). The Art of Loving. Istanbul: Say Publishing.
Frankl, V. E. (2019). Man’s Search for Meaning. Istanbul: Okuyan Us Publishing.
Yalom, I. D. (2016). Existential Psychotherapy. Istanbul: Pegasus Publishing.
Yalom, I. D. (2011). When Nietzsche Wept (A. Bora, Trans.). Istanbul: Pegasus Publishing.
Geçtan, E. (2019). Being Human. Istanbul: Metis Publishing.