In many family dynamics, love and anxiety are like two sides of the same coin. Especially when it comes to parenting, the desire to protect a child can, at times, transform into a pathological control mechanism. In psychological literature, this condition—often referred to as “anxious parenting” or more modernly as “helicopter parenting”—is characterized by over-surveillance, constant questioning, and a state of chronic hyper-vigilance against potential threats. At this sensitive juncture, the boundary between genuine love and restrictive anxiety becomes blurred; parenting ceases to be a form of guidance and becomes a siege. When love turns into a tool of control that restricts autonomy rather than providing a safe space for growth, an individual’s psychological development becomes trapped within these narrow confines. Research indicates that this parenting style leaves lasting and often limiting effects on a child’s cognitive schemas and “self-perception.” These limiting effects can weaken an individual’s power to cope with challenges on their own in adulthood, causing them to feel more helpless during life’s difficult moments.
Anxious parenting often begins with parents unconsciously projecting their own internal conflicts, unresolved grief, or past childhood traumas onto the child. The impulse to prevent the child from harm is, in essence, a manifestation of the parent’s own intolerance of uncertainty. However, as control mechanisms increase, the fundamental sense of trust in the child weakens rather than strengthens. An individual exposed to constant external regulation and “be careful” warnings fails to develop a robust sense of self-efficacy; in other words, their belief in their ability to solve problems independently is shaken. This situation is not limited to childhood; in adulthood, it manifests as significant difficulty in decision-making, chronic indecisiveness, and blockages in differentiation–individuation processes. Excessive parental involvement can lead an individual to develop a “passive dependency,” where they avoid taking responsibility for their own decisions. The child learns to code the world not as a place to be explored with curiosity, but as a dangerous field where a catastrophe could occur at any moment. This perception of a “dangerous world” can lead the individual to avoid risk-taking and exhibit avoidant behaviors in social environments throughout their adult life.
This attitude is not always manifested as direct pressure; it is frequently presented under the sophisticated mask of “intense interest” and “over-protectiveness.” Particularly within the framework of the Turkish family structure, a parent’s excessive involvement in every stage of a child’s life can be culturally normalized as “sacrifice” and “devotion.” However, at this point where boundaries blur, the parent’s anxiety is passed down to the child like a heavy inheritance. Even as an adult, when they wish to establish their own personal boundaries, they may view this natural act as equivalent to betraying the parent and feel an overwhelming sense of guilt. From the perspective of Attachment Theory, this situation generally triggers an anxious attachment style, laying the groundwork for the individual to develop an identity in future romantic relationships that is dependent, fears abandonment, or constantly seeks validation. Instead of relying on their internal approval, the individual may become hypersensitive to external praise, turning their life into a performance aimed at meeting the expectations of others. The individual tends to wait for direction from an external source of authority rather than trusting their own internal strength.
In introspective periods such as December, when year-end evaluations are made and days shorten as nights lengthen, these haunting traces of the past can become more prominent. During these times of increased melancholy and internal questioning, the individual finds the opportunity to more clearly identify the source of their restlessness. The high levels of empathy, attention to detail, and sense of responsibility developed by individuals raised with anxious parenting are, in fact, the strengths derived from this difficult process. However, for this potential not to turn into a burden, the construction of healthy psychological boundaries is essential. The process of awareness begins with asking the question: “Does this fear truly belong to me, or is it a burden passed down by my parent?” When this distinction is made, the individual finds the courage to declare their own emotional independence. By separating their own emotional needs from their parent’s anxieties, the individual begins to take control of their life and discover their true potential.
In conclusion, anxious parenting stems not from a lack of love, but from the poisoning of love by control and the violation of boundaries. The family is as much a sanctuary where the deepest trust is built as it is a center where an individual’s spiritual integrity is broken at its thinnest point. Perhaps the family is the first place where hurting is often carried out under the guise of “doing good.” This awareness is vital not for blaming the past, but for rethinking today’s boundaries and positioning love alongside trust and freedom rather than domination. Ultimately, true spiritual growth and resilience require the courage to make one’s own mistakes and walk confidently on one’s own path as much as they require protection. When an individual accepts their emotional heritage not as a shackle but as a learning process, they open the doors to true liberation. An individual who draws their own internal boundaries liberates themselves by preserving the love received from their parents while returning their anxieties back to them.