Life is full of regret. People mostly wish to change something in the past or in the future. Sentences with “if…” are commonly used, but are we really sure we would do something differently? If we had the chance, maybe two years ago we would not have acted that way, five months ago we would not have gone there, ten years ago we would have said “don’t go,” one month ago we would have said “yes,” or just yesterday we would not have sent that message. In this way, there are many regrets or things we wish we could change. Ultimately, these feelings of regret are not just painful; they also provide us a chance to think about ourselves and evolve as people. They show how our decisions, our ideals, and the fact that life is always uncertain are all connected.
We are human beings living an unpredictable life, but in that way we try to control what is coming. If we cannot control it, we wish to change what has already passed; therefore, we constantly try to reverse in our lives what is happening along our route in the ocean. Regret is a profoundly strong emotion. At times, it can trap us in depression or anxiety. This can, in turn, create a reason for mourning—a grief over the things we cannot change.
Sometimes regret is a form of grief over missed opportunities or unattained possibilities. We may blame our past selves and become quite harsh toward ourselves. This intense inner judging creates inner conflicts, leading to contradictions and sorrow, as if we are putting ourselves on trial. In such situations, entering a grief process becomes almost inevitable. Longitudinal research supports that it is not regret itself but self-blame that intensifies grief and emotional conflict (Boelen et al., 2014). Specifically, in a study of bereavement, researchers found that “self-blame was associated with grief at the initial time-point … Initial levels of regret were neither associated with initial levels of grief nor with its decline over time” (Boelen et al., 2014). This suggests that harsh self-judgment, rather than regret itself, intensifies the emotional impact of missed opportunities and past mistakes.
From time to time, we experience inner conflicts, which can be understood from a psychodynamic perspective through Freud’s concept of the superego. The superego represents an internalized set of moral and social norms that we acquire developmentally, largely through societal and external influences. This inner conflict, which is shaped by our superego, helps to explain why we often blame ourselves for making bad choices and feel worse about them. Because these standards and rules are deeply ingrained, they can lead us to judge our present actions against these internalized ideals. This often results in intense self-reproach and internal conflict, as we repeatedly question whether we acted correctly or should have done things differently. When the superego dynamics are overly dominant, we may lose touch with reality and focus excessively on past decisions or missed opportunities. Consequently, instead of concentrating on the present moment, we may become trapped in cycles of regret and self-criticism, which intensify emotional distress and prevent us from moving forward.
Throughout our inner conflicts and self-reproach, we can find ourselves trapped in a cycle that prevents us from moving forward and seeing life from different perspectives. Through these intense judgments, we may sometimes try to push ourselves toward a better version, applying harsh standards and perfectionistic critiques. The sadness from missed opportunities or unrealized possibilities can lead us to mourn these losses. These patterns may reflect internalized superego dynamics, which, while shaped developmentally, can trap us in past-oriented loops and reinforce self-criticism (Boelen et al., 2014).
Recognizing that harsh self-judgment doesn’t work can help you develop self-compassion, which can turn regret into useful learning and mental strength. At the same time, we may fail to grant ourselves the self-kindness we deserve, inadvertently ignoring the potential for change or growth within us. Kristin Neff’s research on self-compassion emphasizes that cultivating self-kindness, mindfulness, and recognition of shared human imperfection can help us navigate regret and self-criticism more constructively (Neff, 2023). By approaching ourselves with compassion, we create a restorative perspective that counters our harsh internal judgments. In this way, instead of remaining trapped in regret or rigid self-criticism, we can acknowledge our limitations, learn from past experiences, and take meaningful steps toward growth. In reflecting on our regrets, balancing critical self-reflection with self-compassion may be the key to translating emotional burden into insight, resilience, and the potential for a more mindful connection with the present.
References
Stroebe, M., Stroebe, W., Van De Schoot, R., Schut, H., Abakoumkin, G., & Li, J. (2014). Guilt in bereavement: The role of self-blame and regret in coping with loss. PloS One, 9(5), e96606.
Neff, K. D. (2023). Self-compassion: Theory, method, research, and intervention. Annual Review of Psychology, 74(1), 193–218.
Srivastava, A., & Balaji, P. V. (2014). Interplay of sequence, topology and termini charge in determining the stability of the aggregates of GNNQQNY mutants: A molecular dynamics study. PLoS One, 9(5), e96660.