A lot of people have heard the phrase, “You have to love yourself first before loving anyone else.” Why is it something we say so easily in our daily lives, yet rarely practice in real life? Some may find the idea selfish, arrogant, or even narcissistic, but that is usually because we rarely discuss why loving ourselves truly matters.
Loving ourselves is often misunderstood as being confident all the time or feeling good about who we are every single day. In reality, self-compassion is much quieter and more practical. It is about how we speak to ourselves when we make mistakes, how we treat ourselves when we feel rejected, and what we tolerate when we are afraid of being alone. These everyday moments, rather than grand declarations of self-worth, shape the kind of relationships we build and maintain.
A famous book and movie adaptation, The Perks of Being a Wallflower, tells the story of a high school boy coping with mental health challenges. At one point, his teacher tells him, “We accept the love we think we deserve.” This phrase became a cultural phenomenon among young adults at the time because it brought to the surface many of the issues they were silently dealing with in their personal lives.
For many people, this sentence felt painfully accurate. It explained why certain patterns kept repeating in their relationships, even when they knew those patterns were harmful. It also invited an uncomfortable question: if we keep accepting the same kind of love, what does that say about how we see ourselves?
Sometimes we endure terrible treatment from the people closest to us, from parents to friends to romantic partners. We accept emotional or even physical abuse that we would never allow a loved one to experience. Why is that? Is it because, deep down, we believe that this is the kind of love we deserve? Is it because we cannot imagine a reality where someone offers us empathic, compassionate love when we struggle to see anything lovable in ourselves?
Relationships often become mirrors. They reflect back the beliefs we hold about our own worth. When someone grows up learning that love must be earned, endured, or proven through sacrifice, it can feel strangely familiar to stay in situations that hurt. Healthy love, on the other hand, can feel unfamiliar, uncomfortable, or even suspicious when we are not used to being treated with care.
Self-Compassion And Psychological Flexibility
From an Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) perspective, psychological flexibility begins by noticing our inner world without immediately judging or fighting it. We all have critical thoughts about ourselves, but when we take them as absolute truths, they quietly shape what we tolerate. Learning to pause and see these thoughts as thoughts instead of facts can soften the way we relate to ourselves. When that inner relationship becomes gentler, it slowly changes what we allow on the outside.
ACT emphasizes that painful thoughts and emotions are a normal part of being human, not signs that something is wrong with us. When we stop organizing our lives around avoiding discomfort, we gain more freedom to act in ways that align with our values, such as honesty, connection, and respect. In relationships, this often means setting boundaries even when guilt shows up, expressing needs even when fear is present, and choosing communication over silence.
Loving oneself is not only about being kind to the person we see in the mirror. It is also about allowing ourselves to be loved well, not pushing away the people who care the most, and walking away from those who hurt us, even when it feels impossible.
Self-love and compassion do not isolate us from others. On the contrary, they allow us to show up more authentically in our relationships. When we are able to treat ourselves with understanding, we become better at offering the same to others. Healthy communication grows where there is curiosity instead of blame, and boundaries become clearer when they are guided by self-respect rather than fear.
Conclusion
Ultimately, accepting the love we truly deserve is a process. It requires patience, courage, and a willingness to question old beliefs. Each step toward self-compassion creates space for relationships that feel safer, more mutual, and more deeply fulfilling.
Source
Hayes, S. C., Strosahl, K. D., & Wilson, K. G. (2012). Acceptance and Commitment Therapy: The Process and Practice of Mindful Change. New York: Guilford Press.