Have you ever told someone you felt bad and got responses like: “At least you’re healthy,” or “Don’t think about such things, stay positive”? These words may have been well-intentioned. But the discomfort you felt didn’t go away. On the contrary, it was covered up. This is the essence of toxic positivity: living in a mental environment where emotions are ranked according to how ‘good’ they are, and pain must be quickly suppressed.
In the last decade, positivity culture has almost become a norm, especially due to social media and the self-help industry. Phrases like “Be grateful,” “Think positively,” and “Everything happens for a reason” often erase the space for expressing personal pain. Yet one of the foundational truths in psychology is this: Emotions transform when they are experienced. Not when they are suppressed (David, 2016).
What is Toxic Positivity?
Toxic positivity is an approach that glorifies being positive in all situations and ignoring negative emotions. Clinical psychologist Dr. Jamie Long describes this as ‘putting makeup on pain’ (Long, 2019). Similarly, psychologist Susan David emphasizes the importance of making space for all emotions by introducing the concept of ’emotional agility’ (David, 2016).
To examine this concept more scientifically, a study published in the Journal of Experimental Psychology in 2019 divided participants into two groups. One group was asked to freely express their emotions, while the other was told to say they felt good. The group forced to ‘feel good’ had higher stress levels and cortisol levels (Brooks, Sloan & Lieberman, 2019). Being forced to feel good can actually make a person feel worse.
Why Is It So Common?
There are several key sources of the positivity pressure:
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Social media: People generally share their happiest, most productive, and aesthetically pleasing moments. This creates the feeling in others of ‘Why don’t I always feel this way?’ (Held, 2002).
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Corporate culture: In many workplaces, there’s the mindset of ‘you need to be in a good mood to be productive.’ Psychological fluctuations are often seen as a sign of unprofessional weakness.
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Popular psychology rhetoric: Practices like positive thinking or gratitude journaling can be beneficial, but when imposed superficially, they serve to suppress genuine emotions.
When all of these come together, they can lead individuals to become alienated from their own emotions, suppress negative feelings, and feel increasingly isolated.
The Obligation to Say “I’m Fine”
A real-life example: A 32-year-old client once said in therapy: ‘Everyone says I’m cheerful and positive, but I feel completely empty inside. They always told me to be grateful, that things could be worse—but slowly I stopped feeling anything at all.’ This isn’t just her story. Toxic positivity can gradually desensitize a person to their own inner pain because when negative emotions are labeled solely as ‘harmful,’ experiencing them may lead one to feel broken or flawed. And that’s when a critical break occurs: We become alienated from our emotional reality.
Toxic positivity not only causes harm on an individual level but also in the collective memory. Especially during childhood and adolescence, when individuals receive messages like ‘don’t cry,’ ‘be strong,’ and ‘act like nothing’s wrong,’ they may forget that pain is a part of being human. This forgetting can blunt empathy and lead to emotional numbness toward both self and others. Emotional regulation is possible not by suppression, but by recognizing and expressing emotions.
The Cost of Toxic Positivity
In the long run, the psychological effects of toxic positivity may include:
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Emotional isolation: Suppressing negative emotions can sever one’s connection with their inner world.
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Superficial relationships: Constant pressure to appear happy can hinder genuine intimacy.
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Burnout: The constant feeling of needing to be ‘okay’ becomes exhausting over time.
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Increased anxiety: Suppressed emotions can turn into internal conflict.
Living with the belief that you must always feel good drains mental resources. Because suppressing emotions requires as much energy as experiencing them. Every repressed emotion continues to be carried mentally, which can lead to many physical symptoms—from sleep problems to psychosomatic pain.
A 2020 meta-analysis showed that facing negative emotions in a healthy way increases psychological resilience (Ford, Lam, John & Mauss, 2020). Facing pain is more healing than denying it. Suppression does not heal; making it visible, recognizing it, and finding meaning in it enables transformation.
What Can Be Done?
To protect yourself from systematic positivity pressure and to heal, consider the following steps:
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Give space, not labels, to emotions: Instead of saying ‘I shouldn’t feel this way,’ try saying, ‘This is how I feel right now, and it’s temporary.’
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Acknowledge reality: Life isn’t always good. Emotions don’t follow a straight line; they rise and fall.
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Create spaces for genuine sharing: Emotions are easier to express in heartfelt, authentic relationships.
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Don’t hesitate to seek professional support: Therapy isn’t just for hard times, it’s also a path to self-discovery.
Additionally, setting personal boundaries in digital spaces like social media can be helpful. Remembering that not every ‘perfect-looking’ profile is real can reduce harmful comparisons. Psychological well-being is possible not just through positive feelings, but through emotional wholeness.
Conclusion: Authenticity is More Valuable than Positivity
Positivity can be a helpful resource in tough times. But when it’s imposed, it harms emotional integrity. True healing is possible not only by seeing happy moments but also by recognizing pain, anger, and heartbreak. One of the most resonant sentences heard in therapy rooms is: “If only someone could understand me.”
The deepest human need is not to be happy, but to be seen, heard, and understood. Being real is more precious than trying to be fine.
References
Brooks, J. A., Sloan, D. M., & Lieberman, M. D. (2019). When “happy” hurts: The paradox of positive emotion expression and stress. Journal of Experimental Psychology: General, 148(5), 826–838. https://doi.org/10.1037/xge0000627
David, S. (2016). Emotional agility: Get unstuck, embrace change, and thrive in work and life. Avery Publishing.
Ford, B. Q., Lam, P., John, O. P., & Mauss, I. B. (2020). The psychological health benefits of accepting negative emotions and thoughts: A meta-analysis. Journal of Contextual Behavioral Science, 15, 75–86. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jcbs.2019.11.007
Held, B. S. (2002). The tyranny of the positive attitude in America: Observation and speculation. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 58(9), 965–991. https://doi.org/10.1002/jclp.10093
Long, J. (2019). Toxic positivity: The dark side of positive vibes. The Psychology Group. https://thepsychologygroup.com/toxic-positivity/