Family is often described as a safe haven. However, in some homes, even if children grow up under the same roof, they do not share the same psychological climate. Discrimination among siblings is not merely a matter of parental preference; it is a powerful social and psychological experience that shapes children’s identity development, sense of justice, and ways of relating to others. The family is a child’s first social system, and the model of power and value distribution learned here often becomes an invisible template for relationships established in adulthood (Bowen, 1978; Minuchin, 1974).
For a child subjected to discrimination, exclusion within the family is more than just receiving less attention; it carries an existential message: “You are not important enough.” Social comparison theory states that individuals evaluate themselves by comparing themselves to their immediate surroundings (Festinger, 1954). Recurring inequalities between siblings directly affect a child’s sense of self-worth. A child who is constantly sidelined or compared to a sibling may, over time, develop a schema of worthlessness (Adler, 1956). This schema is not limited to childhood; it lays the groundwork for the individual to constantly seek approval in social relationships, develop hypersensitivity to rejection, and give intense reactions to matters of justice.
These children frequently develop two extreme strategies in adulthood. Some become excessively success-oriented to avoid remaining invisible; they try to prove their worth through performance. Others may withdraw, believing that effort will not yield results. In both cases, the common theme is the perception of love as conditional. The influence of parenting attitudes on children’s development of self-efficacy and social confidence is strongly emphasized in the literature (Baumrind, 1991). When a child grows up in an environment where love is not distributed equally, they may experience relationships as areas to be constantly tested rather than secure bonds.
For the preferred or more valued child, the picture may appear advantageous from the outside. Although more tolerance and support seem to nurture self-confidence, this privilege often carries an invisible psychological cost. The child may sense that love is directed at their performance rather than their true self. From the perspective of self-psychology, excessive idealization can lead to a fragile self-structure (Kohut, 1971). For such a child, making a mistake is not just a failure but becomes a threat to their identity.
In the long run, this dynamic can pave the way for the strengthening of narcissistic defenses. A child accustomed to privilege may experience intense disappointment when encountering the egalitarian and restrictive nature of the outside world. Intolerance of criticism, a sense of entitlement, and a constant need for appreciation may emerge (Kernberg, 1975). In some cases, overprotection fosters dependent tendencies; the child cannot sufficiently develop risk-taking and decision-making skills. What appears to be an advantage transforms into internal fragility.
This inequality between siblings creates permanent roles within the family. Labels such as “successful child” and “problematic child” become part of one’s identity over time. Studies on birth order and parental investment show that children’s positions within the family influence their behavioral patterns (Sulloway, 1996). These roles can turn the sibling relationship from a natural area of solidarity into a latent power balance.
The sociological dimension of discrimination is also significant. Cultural norms, gender roles, or success expectations may normalize investing more in certain children. Parents often do not think they are making a conscious choice; the behavior becomes a pattern transmitted across generations. This situation makes inequality invisible and creates a chronic imbalance within the family.
Breaking the cycle is possible through parental awareness. Justice is not treating children the same; it is making them feel they are of equal value while considering each of their individual needs. Consistent emotional messages and conscious parenting can restore the power balance within the family.
In conclusion, discrimination between siblings is not just a temporary parental error; it is a powerful process that shapes the psychological architecture of children. While one child grows up with worthlessness, the other may carry the fragility of privilege. Both experiences create deep learning about how love and power are distributed. This learning forms the basis of the individual’s relationship with themselves and the world—and often maintains its influence throughout life.
References
Adler, A. (1956). The Individual Psychology Of Alfred Adler. Basic Books.
Baumrind, D. (1991). The influence of parenting style on adolescent competence and substance use. Journal Of Early Adolescence, 11(1), 56–95.
Bowen, M. (1978). Family Therapy In Clinical Practice. Jason Aronson.
Festinger, L. (1954). A theory of social comparison processes. Human Relations, 7(2), 117–140.
Kernberg, O. F. (1975). Borderline Conditions And Pathological Narcissism. Jason Aronson.
Kohut, H. (1971). The Analysis Of The Self. International Universities Press.
Minuchin, S. (1974). Families And Family Therapy. Harvard University Press.
Sulloway, F. J. (1996). Born To Rebel: Birth Order, Family Dynamics, And Creative Lives. Pantheon Books.