Why do people repeatedly choose relationships that are not good for them?
Why do some individuals remain in the same emotional cycles despite painful experiences?
Although psychotherapy theories answer these questions with different conceptual frameworks, repetition compulsion in classical psychoanalysis and schema chemistry in Schema Therapy offer two powerful explanations for the tendency to re-enact unresolved experiences from the past in the present. This article explores the conceptual bridge between these two theories and their effects on close relationships.
Freud And Repetition Compulsion
Freud explains this phenomenon in Beyond the Pleasure Principle (1920). He argues that human behavior cannot be explained solely by the pursuit of pleasure. Observing trauma survivors, he noticed that individuals repeatedly relived distressing experiences, even when they consciously wished to avoid them. He called this phenomenon repetition compulsion (Wiederholungszwang).
In repetition compulsion, the individual unconsciously relives past trauma instead of remembering and integrating it. The psyche attempts to regain control over an experience in which the person was once passive. However, because similar cognitive and relational patterns remain unchanged, the result is often the reproduction of similar disappointments.
This dynamic is observable in everyday life and relationships. For example, a child who grows up with a highly critical parent—unable to express anger and rarely receiving appreciation—may, in adulthood, attempt to prove themselves by working excessively hard for a critical boss. They may suppress anger, overperform, and eventually quit, reinforcing the old belief: “No matter what I do, I am never enough.” According to Freud, this repetition represents the return of repressed emotional material. Instead of remembering, the individual repeats—and therefore encounters similar emotional outcomes.
Schema Therapy And Schema Chemistry
Developed by Jeffrey Young, Schema Therapy proposes that unmet basic emotional needs in early childhood create early maladaptive schemas. These schemas shape fundamental beliefs about the self, others, and the world. When emotional needs in specific domains remain unmet, the individual may struggle in corresponding areas of life.
For instance, a child who receives little appreciation may develop a high standards or unrelenting standards schema. In adulthood, this may manifest as chronic self-criticism, overworking, and burnout. The underlying belief becomes: “I must be perfect to be valuable.” Despite exhaustion and dissatisfaction, the individual continues striving because these behaviors feel familiar and psychologically “safe,” even if they are costly.
Parallel to Freud’s repetition compulsion, Schema Therapy explains relational repetition through schema chemistry. Schema chemistry refers to the powerful emotional attraction individuals feel toward people or relationship dynamics that activate their early schemas. This attraction is driven more by emotional memory than rational evaluation.
For example, someone with an abandonment schema may feel intensely drawn to emotionally inconsistent or unavailable partners. Initially, such relationships may feel deeply familiar and even exciting. However, over time, they tend to recreate the very abandonment fears that structured the schema in the first place. The relationship reinforces the individual’s core belief instead of challenging it.
The Impact Of Repetition Compulsion And Schema Chemistry On Close Relationships
The effects of repetition compulsion and schema chemistry are most visible in romantic and close relationships. Partner selection, relational maintenance, and recurring conflict patterns often become contemporary reenactments of early relational experiences.
From a psychoanalytic perspective, individuals unconsciously recreate childhood relational dynamics in adulthood. The partner symbolically replaces early caregivers, and unresolved emotional conflicts are revived within the relationship.
Schema Therapy conceptualizes this process as schema activation through schema chemistry. Individuals feel attracted to partners who reflect traces of their unmet childhood needs. This attraction feels more familiar than safe and more validating than healing. As a result, individuals may gravitate toward relationships that activate their schemas rather than relationships that promote psychological growth.
Relationships thus become stages upon which unresolved emotional experiences are replayed. Both repetition compulsion and schema chemistry emphasize that individuals recreate painful relational dynamics not because they enjoy suffering, but because they recognize it.
From Recognition To Healing
Freud’s repetition compulsion and Schema Therapy’s schema chemistry illuminate the invisible psychological bridges between past and present. Together, they offer a compelling explanation for why change feels so difficult—and why it is nevertheless possible.
People repeat pain not because they desire it, but because it is familiar. The nervous system often confuses familiarity with safety. Healing begins when individuals dare to question what feels known. In many cases, what is healthy initially feels foreign, uncomfortable, or even “wrong” precisely because it does not align with old schemas.
Change requires tolerating this unfamiliarity long enough for new relational experiences to become integrated. Only then can the cycle of painful familiarity gradually give way to secure and adaptive patterns of connection.
References
Arntz, A., & Jacob, G. (2013). Schema therapy in practice. Wiley-Blackwell.
Freud, S. (1914). Remembering, repeating and working-through.
Freud, S. (1920). Beyond the pleasure principle. International Psycho-Analytical Press.
Van der Kolk, B. (2014). The body keeps the score. Penguin Books.
Young, J. E., Klosko, J. S., & Weishaar, M. E. (2003). Schema therapy: A practitioner’s guide. Guilford Press.