“Do you love me?”
“How about now, do you still love me?”
“You always know better.”
“I can’t live without you.”
“Whatever you want, just don’t leave.”
Do these sentences sound familiar to you? Perhaps from a partner, or maybe your own inner voice… These passive statements that seek approval, apologize, are overly compliant, and constantly seek trust are sometimes not just a search for love; they are the survival cry of a soul that has tied its identity to the existence of another. One in four people say they feel like their life is over when a relationship ends. The rate of encountering dependent personality patterns in psychiatric clinics varies between 10% and 15% (Bornstein, 1992). So why are some people not busy with experiencing love in a relationship, but with not losing it? Why is loneliness as threatening as physical pain for some? The answer is hidden in a personality structure that feeds not on love, but on the fear of abandonment: Dependent Personality Disorder.
An Overlooked Darkness: Definition and Symptoms of Dependent Personality Disorder
Dependent Personality Disorder may appear on the surface as someone a clingy person who does not like being alone or just wants a lot of attention. However, underlying this disorder are deep structural dynamics such as the individual being too passive to make their own decisions, constantly needing others, and compromising their own identity due to fear of abandonment. According to DSM-5, these individuals have difficulty making even their daily decisions without the support of others (APA, 2013). However, the issue is not just not being able to make decisions; it is the person’s willingness to erase themselves in order not to be abandoned. For example, they may continue to stay in a violent relationship because “being alone” may be perceived as a greater threat than physical violence (Bornstein, 1992). Clinical observations show that this personality structure is based on irrational beliefs and genetics, as well as experiences of conditional love in childhood, loss of a caregiver that occurred early, and neglect or rejection by parents. In these experiences, love is only achieved when the “right” behavior is performed; obedience is required in order to be accepted. Over time, the individual learns: “The condition of existence is to serve the existence of another.”
Love Idealization and Fear of Abandonment Disguised as Love
Individuals with Dependent Personality Disorder often idealize their partners in romantic relationships. They may call them “soul mates” after only a few weeks of knowing each other. However, this rapid bond is often not woven with love but with a need for security. Rather than falling in love, they are in love with not being alone. Therefore, love is a shelter, a place of protection for them. While this idealization puts pressure on the partner, a serious imbalance begins in the relationship over time. Fear is so dominant that the individual begins to constantly apologize, ignore their own needs, and even think that they deserve to be humiliated by their partner (Millon, 2011). This is not a story of love, but of the systematic erasure of an identity.
The Invisible Danger in Modern Relationships
In today’s digital world, concepts such as relationship goals, which are widespread on social media, have become trends that normalize dependent relationship dynamics. Behaviors such as texting all the time, the desire to be together all the time, and associating jealousy with love may seem like signs of a romantic and passionate love when viewed from the outside. However, these behaviors may actually be a social reflection of a psychological condition such as Dependent Personality Disorder. However, in a healthy relationship, love does not suffocate; it provides breathing space. Partners both enjoy being together and protect their individual spaces.
The Narcissist and the Dependent: A Toxic Match
It is a striking phenomenon from a psychodynamic perspective that individuals with Dependent Personality Disorder are often drawn to partners with narcissistic tendencies. While narcissistic individuals want to be admired and controlled, dependent individuals are ready to approve, adapt, and be loved. Although this toxic harmony may seem like “passionate love” from the outside, it is a serious emotional devastation inside. While the narcissistic partner satisfies their desire to be admired, the DPD partner struggles to exist even at the cost of being ignored (Wink, 1991).
What Should Be Done?
Change begins when an individual first acknowledges and accepts their own needs. During the therapeutic process, the person learns that they are valuable even without the approval of others. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and Compassion Focused Therapy are particularly effective methods for strengthening the self-efficacy and autonomy of these individuals (Beck et al., 2004). Because real healing begins not by relying on someone else; but by learning to stand on their own two feet.
Conclusion: Love or Alarm?
Love is a process of building a connection. However, a healthy bond respects mutual freedom and individuality. If a relationship has distanced you from being “you” and has constantly addressed you as “we,” it is not love; it is an alarm. Instead of erasing yourself for the sake of being loved, you must first accept your own existence. Because true love begins with self-loving.
References
American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders: DSM-5TM (5th ed.). American Psychiatric Publishing. https://doi.org/10.1176/appi.books.9780890425596
Beck, A. T., Freeman, A., & Davis, D. D. (2004). Cognitive therapy of personality disorders (2nd ed.). The Guilford Press.
Bornstein, R. F. (1992). The dependent personality: Developmental, social, and clinical perspectives. Psychological Bulletin, 112(1), 3–23. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-2909.112.1.3
Millon, T. (2011). Disorders of personality: Introducing a DSM/ICD spectrum from normal to abnormal (3rd ed.). John Wiley & Sons. https://doi.org/10.1002/9781118099254
Wink, P. (1991). Two faces of narcissism. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 61(4), 590–597. https://doi.org/10.1037//0022-3514.61.4.590