Let’s think about our judgments—those that sometimes make our lives harder and sometimes protect us. Imagine you’re on a bus, headphones on, and a song that feels like it tells your story starts playing. You look at the people outside, get bored, and before you know it, you start commenting on them in your head. Or while listening to a story someone you know has been through, you can’t silence that inner voice.
“Wow, you really wouldn’t do that!”
“You can’t say that!”
“Okay, you might be a bad person, but is this really the solution?!”
The judgments begin—and usually, they don’t stop.
Now let’s talk about a truth everyone has noticed at some point: under the right conditions, anyone can do anything. Haven’t you ever harshly judged someone for something, only to later do the exact same thing yourself? Or said, “I would never do that,” and then ended up doing it? Why does this happen?
Don’t we know ourselves? Or do we not actually have a fixed character?
In fact, it’s neither.
We humans are beings who are deeply influenced by our environment—and who also influence it. That’s why, when we talk about psychology, we can never consider a person in isolation. There is always another factor involved: where you live, the timing, the people around you, sometimes even the sound of a fly—or the weather.
So what does this mean? It means that we should never say “never.” Of course, we have red lines and gray areas. The patterns we inherit from our families, the perspectives we build through our environment, and our prejudices stay with us. In fact, what makes us us is precisely this combination: our environment and the way we perceive and interpret it.
Can you see now why we sometimes end up doing the very things we judge? Because at some point, we are the filtered sum of our environment. Many of the things we judge are actually things our friends dislike, or our mothers, or our fathers. And when the right conditions are met—when you experience something powerful enough to override those prejudices—you may find yourself doing exactly what you once judged.
Let’s say you judge couples who are overly affectionate, baby-talking and acting all lovey-dovey. Maybe you saw them once and your face cringed: “What is this?!” Then what happened? You fell deeply in love, and the child inside you started breaking down those prejudices. Come on—you know I’m right. I’m sure you’ve experienced something like this.
And of course, it’s not always about positive situations. Many people who swear they would never smoke—who can’t even stand the smell—end up smoking under the right circumstances or after certain experiences. Maybe that person is even you.
When we act in ways that contradict our self-image, we may start to feel like a stranger to ourselves. We begin judging ourselves:
“I thought you’d never do this?”
“How could you do that?”
“This isn’t you.”
“Don’t I know myself at all?”
The confusion we feel can turn into anger—toward ourselves and sometimes toward others. What we feel after doing something we swore we never would is exactly this: a sense of not recognizing ourselves, confusion, and eventually a heavy mix of guilt and anger born from an identity conflict.
What we actually need to do is simple: show ourselves the same understanding we show others. Give yourself the same “it happens” response you would give to someone you love. Because remember—under the right conditions, anyone can do anything.
In conclusion, perhaps rigid frames and thick lines aren’t always right. Sometimes the boundaries that protect us also do nothing but make us feel guilty. When our judgments stop looking out for us, instead of turning our anger inward, we should take a deep breath and remember that no one understands us better than we do.
So don’t be afraid—you are still you. You still have principles, and you still know yourself best. Allowing your boundaries to be flexible for yourself, just as they are for others, won’t harm anyone. Sometimes, simply stopping being so harsh on ourselves and strengthening our self-compassion can protect our identity stability and support our psychological resilience