Today, I want to talk to you about what I have observed throughout my professional life—years of working with families and children—along with what scientific studies clearly reveal. Because there is a parenting pattern that many of us believe is harmless but actually imposes heavy psychological costs in adulthood: raising children with constant rewards.
As I write this, my aim is to help us see how behaviors we often justify with good intentions can turn into long-term psychological burdens. In many adults struggling with approval dependency, feelings of inadequacy, lack of motivation, and relationship challenges, I consistently see the same root in their childhood stories.
Reward In Childhood: Not As Innocent As We Think
Scientific research shows that frequently rewarding a child does not only reinforce behavior—it weakens the child’s intrinsic motivation system. In their large-scale meta-analysis, Deci, Koestner, and Ryan (1999) found that anticipated rewards diminish children’s curiosity, interest, and desire to explore. In other words, children stop saying, “I do this because I enjoy it,” and start saying, “I do this because I’ll get a reward.”
Self-Determination Theory also supports this finding: humans inherently need autonomy, competence, and relatedness (Ryan & Deci, 2000). But children who are constantly guided by rewards experience particularly serious damage to their autonomy, because they are not choosing the behavior—they are choosing the reward.
In my clinical practice, I see this pattern very frequently. The child grows up, but instead of developing a sense of responsibility, they develop a “reward-centered mindset.” They do not act out of inner drive; they need an external push or expectation. This cycle becomes so ingrained that even in adulthood, individuals do not feel like the true owners of their behavior.
Wounds Seen In Adulthood: Approval Dependency, Inadequacy, And Continuity Problems
The long-term consequences of raising children with rewards become very visible in adulthood, and what I observe clinically aligns directly with scientific findings.
First, children who are frequently rewarded often develop approval dependency as adults. They measure the value of their actions not by their own internal satisfaction but by external praise, validation, or tangible rewards. According to Self-Determination Theory, when autonomy and competence do not develop sufficiently, subjective well-being decreases (Ryan & Deci, 2000). This becomes the foundation of low self-confidence in adulthood.
Questions such as:
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“Am I good enough?”
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“Did I do well enough?”
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“Will they appreciate me?”
echo persistently in the minds of these adults.
Research on helicopter parenting also supports this pattern. According to the study by Filiz and Doğan (2023), overly controlling and reward-based parenting weakens children’s intrinsic motivation. These children, when they become adults, feel detached from their own behavior and lack a sense of agency.
Another significant outcome is the problem of continuity. Adults may start tasks but struggle to maintain effort unless external motivation is present. If rewards or praise are absent, they give up easily. Since they were conditioned to expect a reward after every task in childhood, the natural satisfaction of doing a good job is not enough for them in adulthood.
And perhaps the most damaging long-term consequence: the schema of inadequacy. Each reward in childhood subconsciously conveys this message:
“You did well now—but if you do even better, you’ll get a bigger reward.”
Over time, this transforms into an internal belief:
“I am not good enough.”
In adulthood, this belief infiltrates every area of life—from careers to relationships—gradually eroding self-worth.
‘Don’t Reward Me To Punish Me’
Özgür Bolat’s book Beni Ödülle Cezalandırma (Don’t Punish Me with Rewards) is one of the clearest explanations of this issue in Turkey. Bolat (2016/2017) argues that rewards create conditional worth in children—meaning a child’s sense of value becomes dependent on receiving a reward.
This creates a psychologically hazardous narrative:
“If there is a reward, I am valuable.
If there is no reward, I am worthless.”
In my professional work, this is one of the most common internal conflicts I encounter.
As Bolat emphasizes, a reward provides short-term satisfaction but long-term dependence. In adulthood, this dependence manifests as a continuous feeling of “something missing.”
Family And Societal Reflections
These effects are not limited to individuals; they appear within family dynamics and at the societal level.
Adults who were raised with constant rewards expect similar validation from partners, workplaces, and friendships. When they do not receive it, they may:
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become disappointed,
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withdraw emotionally,
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shut down, or
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react with anger.
The child who once cried for a star-shaped sticker now becomes an adult silently waiting for approval.
In society, the challenges grow even bigger. Because real life does not reward every effort. Sometimes we simply work, endure, persist, and learn from the process. Adults raised with rewards struggle deeply with this reality.
Conclusion: Let Us Raise Children With Inner Strength, Not Rewards
I wrote this article not as a criticism but as an invitation to awareness. Because raising children with inner motivation, a sense of self-worth, and competence is the greatest gift we can offer.
Rewards may seem effective in the short term, but in the long term, they leave a significant psychological burden—one that follows individuals throughout adulthood.
And here is the central question:
Are we raising children who take ownership of their behavior,
or children whose behavior is only the by-product of a reward?
When we answer this honestly, we can clearly see the kind of adulthood we are shaping.
“If you do your homework, I’ll buy you a phone.”
References
Bolat, Ö. (2016/2017). Beni Ödülle Cezalandırma: Mutlu ve Başarılı Çocuk Yetiştirmek için Rehber. Doğan Kitap.
Deci, E. L., Koestner, R., & Ryan, R. M. (1999). A meta-analytic review of experiments examining the effects of extrinsic rewards on intrinsic motivation. Psychological Bulletin, 125(6), 627–668.
Filiz, B., & Doğan, U. (2023). Bebeklik ve çocukluk döneminde ebeveyn davranışlarının içsel motivasyon ile ilişkisi. Nesne Dergisi, 11(29), 419–436.
Ryan, R. M., & Deci, E. L. (2000). Self-determination theory and the facilitation of intrinsic motivation, social development, and well-being. American Psychologist, 55(1), 68–78.