Relationships are like looking into a mirror. The bond we form with someone we love is often nourished by a place we can’t see at first glance: our past, our childhood, and the invisible marks left on us during those early years. This is why the shock we feel when a relationship ends isn’t just the pain of the moment; it is the reopening of old wounds. Attachment styles are not only the way we love — they are how we allow ourselves to be loved.
Attachment Theory
Attachment theory was first introduced by John Bowlby. According to him, the bond we form with our caregiver in infancy creates an internal model that shapes our relationships throughout life. Later, Mary Ainsworth’s “Strange Situation Test” helped classify the attachment styles we know today: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized.
Secure Attachment
Securely attached individuals allow both closeness and independence naturally. They express emotions clearly, trust their partner, and see intimacy as a source of peace rather than threat.
Anxious Attachment
People with anxious attachment desire closeness but fear losing it. This fear can lead them to seek constant communication, reassurance, and emotional intensity. They fear rejection and abandonment, often due to inconsistent childhood caregiving.
Avoidant Attachment
Avoidant individuals want closeness but become overwhelmed when intimacy increases. They may withdraw, rely heavily on logic, and struggle with feeling “suffocated.” Their distance is often a defense mechanism rooted in early fears.
Disorganized Attachment
A combination of anxious and avoidant traits. Closeness is both desired and feared. Often develops in environments where caregivers were inconsistent, frightening, or traumatic. This style is closely linked to early relational trauma.
Why Anxious And Avoidant Attract
The anxious partner seeks closeness → the avoidant pulls away.
The avoidant pulls away → the anxious moves even closer.
This cycle activates both partners’ childhood wounds and reinforces insecure attachment dynamics.
Noticing Your Own Attachment Style
Ask yourself:
Which emotions were triggered most in the relationship?
What old wound do my reactions point to?
Am I more sensitive to closeness or distance?
Awareness opens the door to secure attachment.
Therapy Approaches That Help
Schema Therapy: Works on deep wounds like abandonment or emotional deprivation.
CBT: Helps reduce overthinking, catastrophizing, and fear-based patterns.
EFT: Effective for couples; focuses on connection and emotional needs.
EMDR: Ideal for trauma and disorganized attachment.
Mindfulness: Regulates anxiety and improves emotional awareness.
Final Words
Our attachment style may come from the past, but it does not have to define our future. Relationships offer a chance for healing.
“Attachment comes from the past, but healing begins today.”