In modern relationships, some of the most frequently repeated phrases sound deceptively simple:
“There’s nothing wrong with us.”
“We never argue.”
“We don’t even raise our voices at each other.”
At first glance, these statements appear to reflect harmony, stability, and emotional maturity. Yet beneath them often lies a quiet accumulation of unspoken feelings, unresolved disappointments, unmet responsibilities, and a growing emotional distance. Conflict is not, as commonly assumed, a sign of dysfunction. In emotionally connected and vibrant relationships, conflict is both inevitable and necessary. Avoiding it may create the illusion of peace in the short term, but over time it drains the relationship of transparency, emotional intimacy, and authenticity.
Some couples deny even the slightest breeze for fear that a storm might follow; yet a season without storms never strengthens a tree’s roots.
If There Is No Crisis, There May Be Numbness
Relationships naturally move in cycles: closeness, satisfaction, tension, distance, and reconnection.
Although tension within this cycle often frightens couples, it is not a sign that something is breaking down — but that the relational system is attempting to reorganize itself.
Still, many couples suppress their emotions in an attempt to “keep the peace.” When sadness, anger, or hurt remain unspoken, a deep silence settles over the relationship. And this silence is rarely a sign of serenity; more often, it signals emotional withdrawal and disconnection.
A former client once described her quietly dissolving marriage like this:
“We didn’t fight, so I thought we were fine. But we were just two disconnected people living in the same house. We had no energy left to argue — or to make up.”
This kind of emotional numbness creates a relational atmosphere where partners exist side by side but no longer feel one another. The absence of conflict often reflects not harmony, but the absence of authentic connection — and that is the point at which alarm bells should begin to ring.
Crises Are The State Of Emergency In Relationships
Every couple encounters periods of “relational emergency”: childbirth, illness, loss, migration, financial pressure, infertility, or the intense demands of parenting can all unsettle the emotional equilibrium of the relationship.
During these times, some couples believe their relationship is falling apart. In reality, the system is often simply trying to adapt to new demands.
Crises are not always destructive. They are also emotional pressure points that reveal what has long been avoided, neglected, or deeply missed. When emotions are suppressed rather than expressed, the relationship may appear calm from the outside, but internally it begins to freeze and harden.
From the perspective of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), crises are opportunities to face the emotions we tend to avoid.
In Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), developed by Sue Johnson, these moments are invitations to reconnect, renew trust, and transform the emotional bond.
Gottman Couple Therapy, developed by John Gottman and Julie Gottman, views crises as magnifying glasses that reveal the “micro-dynamics” of the relationship. Their decades of research show that during crises, couples often fall into one of four destructive patterns: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, or stonewalling. As these patterns increase, emotional connection weakens. The Gottman Method focuses on breaking this cycle through gentle start-ups, repair attempts, compassionate communication, and rituals that strengthen emotional intimacy. In this sense, crises provide invaluable data for rebuilding relational safety and resilience.
Thus, a crisis is not a threat but often a necessary phase within the natural life cycle of intimacy.
Three Questions To Ask When Facing A Crisis
Partners often label crises as “communication problems,” but the real issue is usually a lack of emotional awareness.
When the relationship feels blocked, asking the following questions can initiate deep transformation:
1. What Need Is This Crisis Revealing For Me?
To feel valued? Supported? Desired? Understood? Emotionally held?
2. What Am I Expecting From My Partner — And Which Emotion Am I Hiding Behind?
Anger often masks fear.
Withdrawal can mask hurt.
Irritation may hide longing.
3. What Value Or Version Of “Us” Am I Trying To Protect Through This Crisis?
Intimacy? Loyalty? Respect? Cooperation? Emotional honesty?
These questions shift partners from a language of blame to a language of meaning. Crisis then becomes not a battleground, but an opening toward renewed closeness.
Choosing To Speak Instead Of Getting Lost In Silence
Saying “There’s nothing wrong with us” often means:
“There is a lot going on, but I don’t know where to start.”
Or: “I don’t know how to express it.”
Or even: “I’m afraid my needs won’t be met,”
“I don’t want to take responsibility,”
or “I fear the reaction my honesty might trigger.”
Avoiding crisis offers short-term comfort but weakens long-term emotional connection. Real intimacy is not built on perfect harmony, but on emotional honesty.
In many relationships, the moment of transformation — rather than breaking — begins with a single sentence:
“There is something… I’m just afraid to talk about it.”
At this point, the crisis becomes not an ending but the beginning of a deeper, more authentic version of “us.”